Everyone’s got a celebrity on Twitter they like to follow: Whether it’s Heidi Montag and her misspelled shout-outs to God, John Mayer’s witty one-liners about his life as a celebrity, or Martha Stewart’s unnervingly down-to-earth ponderings about her dogs, there’s a celebrity out for everyone simply ripe for the stalking. For me, the choice is an obvious one—P. Diddy.

As I see it, no one else can get me through my day quite like the hip-hop mogul can. Approximately every ten minutes, Diddy sends one new Tweet into the Twitosphere. In just the past month that I’ve been following the superstar, he’s already gone running in Central Park at 4 AM to work off energy, spent days on end fasting for some unknown reason (I believe it had to do with Jesus), and created several Top 10 lists (“The #8 thing i’m gonna work on.. is gettin married one day.. I said ONE DAY!!! LOL! I’m a work in progress.. LETS GO PEOPLE!!!”).

Frequently, Diddy will use his Twitter time to call out others and their “bitchassness” (“But be clear I don’t condone BITCHASSNESS!!!! In any shape or form!!! I will handle!!!!”). Other times he provides a progress report regarding his new album, Last Train To Paris (“SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!!! I’m in the booth and I’m like HILLARY CLINTON!! I FOUND MY VOICE AGAIN!!! LOCK IN!!!”).

Of course, then there’s always my personal favorite kind of message—pure, unadulterated bliss: “I can’t feel my face people!!! And I like it!!!! Let’s go!!!!!!” I never do know what the hell he’s talking about, but it sure makes me want to try some of what he’s on.

For me, the greatest reward of a Diddy Tweet is the image in my mind of the rapper concocting his messages: As he sits down to his gold-plated Macbook (not a work of fiction, he’s displayed it before on his YouTube series, PTwitty Live), Diddy loads up Twitter, scoots up close to the keyboard, and begins to scribe another sage piece of advice.

“I can’t feel my face people!!” he types out. He ponders this for a moment, looking over the message through the pair of spectacles hanging off the tip of his nose. Too many exclamation marks, he decides. “I can’t feel my face people!” No, this is all wrong. Think Sean…think! That’s it—there aren’t nearly enough: “I can’t feel my face people!!!” Perfection.

Then again, it isn’t just that Diddy provides the LOLZ with his punctuation soaked mantras–it’s their actual content as well.

Following the thundering success of such lines as “LET”S GO!” and “DON”T STOP!” comes “GET LOCKED IN!”, one of Diddy’s newest mantras. Though I still don’t quite understand what we’re locking into (or who’s holding the key once we’re inside), I know that bad things can happen if we don’t lock in—including the depression.

“A lot of kid’s futures goin’ away…They parents ain’t locking in, they brothers ain’t locking in, you ain’t locking in, I ain’t locking in,” Diddy scolds the audience during the 26th broadcast of his YouTube series, PTwitty Live. “Turn off the Twitter, get off the phone, stop gossipin’…that means ‘Oh, you wanna go out?’ No I can’t, I’m going to the library this Saturday. I gotta do this research on this business I wanna start.”

Surely he means well with his messages to focus, pay attention, and succeed, but with a track record of over twenty tweets per hour yelling at us to “GET LOCKED IN!!!”, it’s become apparent that Diddy’s daily teachings are more of a “do as I say, not as I do” sort of deal.

Who am I to judge though? It’s not as though Twitter has proven itself useful for anything other than shameless self-promotion and useless mutterings about life’s triviality. Better to let Diddy have his day so that he may brighten mine: “This shit is entertaining!!! I’m entertained!!!! Are you entertained????? Let’s go!” he wrote just before midnight on April 9. That I am, Diddy…that I am.

Follow my blog with bloglovin´