WOW. Well done, Jordin Sparks and Ryan Tedder (or, as Paula Abdul‘s Twitter would have you believe, “Jordan Sparks and Ryan Tetter”). You did the damn song.

“Battlefield” (which is, again, “Halo” plus “Impossible” plus…“My God Is An Awesome God”) is going to be huge all over the radio this summer, and I’m taking the opportunity to love it now while I still can.

Superb vocals, and an incredibly worthy performance from a singer I would otherwise classify as simply “okay.” Props to Tedder for wisely choosing to arrange the song so that the chorus is quickly followed by the epic bridge: “BETTAGOANGETCHURAAAMMAAA,” which will perhaps take the title of greatest bridge of ’09.

Oh yeah, and girlfriend looked fierce to death in that dress. Gorgeous! Suddenly that purity ring’s becoming more and more of a burden.

Minutes later, out came stomping lil’ Miss Katy Perry to perform her new shit single, “Waking Up In Vegas.” It’s a tuneless, gassy track that basically serves to let the bug-eyed brat strap on a psuedo-Elvis costume (Britneydiditbetter) and fail at being Viva glam for a minute or two.

But before she began croaking out her go-nowhere number, a wall of white feather plumes opened to reveal the “pop star” turned away from the camera; the words “Adam Lambert” stiched in bright red on her white outstretched cape.

Now, it didn’t help that Adam eagerly shouted “I want to see Katy!” with a wildly mischevious grin on his face pre-performance, but I don’t fault him for what happened. Simply put, Katy Perry is trash; not only is she a mediocre warbler that owes her fame in its entirety to her super BFFL Perez Hilton, but she’s classless too! Sure, I’m pulling for Adam too, but how would everyone be reacting if it’d been Danny Gokey’s name bedazzled across her ass cheeks? Not as pleased, I’m sure.

If she wanted to vet for Lambert, she should have waited post-performance to give her insight into the matter. Then again, it’s not as though the home audience would hear it–they’d still be taking their bathroom break.