Hey–hey you! You’re at your computer right now and that is totally not sexy. You should be out making poor decisions with your girls/boys–like dropping ice down your cleavage and asking the neighborhood drunkard to lick it out! Luckily I’ve produced a mini-mini-soundtrack for that, so start slathering on the sunscreen all sexily, because it’s time to countdown the Top 4 sexiest summer sizzlers! Sss…

4. Booty Luv – Say It

Okay, so this is the only song that doesn’t directly include the word “sexy.” Big deal! Booty Luv isn’t just a two-piece dance troupe–it’s a way of life (like Kabbalah, Scientology, and joining the Tila Army.) Though the exact wording of the chorus faces fervent debate (“If you want my butt-body, come get it, get it” seems to be the most widely accepted translation), the reaction is generally the same: This song makes me feel ridiculously sexy in my pants.

3. Sugababes – Get Sexy

If you’ve ever been shopping with your lady friends at the mall and a random stranger has yelled “Hey, sexy!” at you, you might have just been sexually assaulted. But more than that–you’ve officially been deemed as sexy, and that’s all that matters! So why not tack on a theme song with your new found lusciousness? Featuring the word “sexy” no less than twenty five times, one spin of “Get Sexy” will have you grossly misrepresenting your own physical attractiveness in no time. Jump on this, you sexy, sexy slut.

2. Madonna – Celebration
Are you there Jesus? It’s me, Madonna! What’s a sexy list without Madonna, am I right? It’s a “Celebration” up in this bitch, and the world’s reigning Queen of Pop wants you to get up and dance. Drunk, sober, whatever…this is a judgment-free zone (and you’re just going to get naked anyway.) Taking a turn as the sultry seductress (different than her usual role), Madge tempts you with her breathy come-ons (“I guess I just didn’t recognize you with your clothes on”). If the nausea doesn’t get you first, the sexy will!

1. David Guetta ft. Akon – Sexy Bitch

“I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful,” Akon woefully croons before launching into one of the most monstrous choruses of ’09. If “Get Sexy” didn’t make it socially acceptable to spin a person around, slap them on the ass, and call them a “sexy bitch,” this track surely will. “She’s nothing like a girl you’ve ever seen before / Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood whore.” Last I heard, “Sexy Bitch” has been entered in the running for the Poetry Society of America’s 2009 Cecil Hemley Memorial Award for its self-searching lyrical quality and general “willingness to go there.” Godspeed, Akon.