Oh, the 2009 VMA’s. We laughed, we cried…but mostly, we bitched about Kanye West.

In what was perhaps the most entertaining go-around since 2003, the 2009 Video Music Awards took to the streets of NYC at Radio City Music Hall last night. There were some excellent performances (Beysus), delightfully awkward moments, and some Eskimo-chic head gear. And yet, there were still things left to be desired. I haven’t written about it all, but here we go:

Needs More Funny
The only person capable of sucking the life out of an arena faster than Kanye West stealing an award show moment from an 18-year-old girl, Russell Brand has, once again, proven to be the most impossibly unlikable, inhumanly talentless host…ever.

I wish I could be a fly on the wall as he wrote out the “jokes” for his opening monologue–perhaps staying up late for hours, only to at last come to his “Eureka!” moment: A handful of cheap sex jokes that would elicit an eye roll from a middle-schooler and frequent allusions to date raping Megan Fox and Lady Gaga. Did we really have to deal with this pig again? BY THE WAY, IF YOU ARE SOMEHOW HOSTING AGAIN NEXT YEAR RUSSELL, YOU CAN LOWER THE VOLUME OF YOUR VOICE A LITTLE–THE MICROPHONE TENDS TO AMPLIFY IT FOR THE CROWD.

Needs More Janet
The MJ tribute was sweet and well-choreographed (and how about that Madonna introduction?!), but far too rushed. It seemed as though Janet had only just hit the stage when the production wrapped. I loved the collaboration for “Scream” (the video projection duet was especially striking)–but why not stick around for more? Then again, I’ll always need me some more Janet. Love you, bb.

Needs More…Err, Well, I Don’t Even Know, Really.
As for the GAGa? Well, what can I say? I always keeps it reals: I don’t think the performance entirely sucked. In fact, I liked it. I often enjoy the inclusion of Gothic imagery in my pop music–anything that blends a strong melody with macabre is usually an easy sale. The blood, the faux-noose…all quite up my alley.

But here’s the thing (and it’s always been the thing): Lady Gaga is a false pop prophet. I just can’t take her seriously as an artist, an entertainer, or anything in between. To me, she’s little more than a regurgitation of every element of pop culture that has value and worth in our society. She did sing incredibly, though. Let the grappling emotions continue on forever!

Needs More Relevancy
Thank you, Lil Mama, for continued bridge-burning path of self-destruction. In one majorly awkward effort to tear away from the judging panel of America’s Best Dance Crew, your stage-stealing, picture-ruining vogue at the catwalk’s end not only ruined a great moment between two titans of popular music, but caused enough cries of “WHO THE FUCK?!” from the crowd to keep us distracted from the fuckery of Kanye for a full thirty seconds. I salute you.

Needs More Britney
Another year, another hype-gone-terribly-wrong. I really need to stop doing this to myself. GRL, WHERE U AT?! Oh right–still on tour. Oh, well…Congrats on your win, B!

Needs To Quit Drinking The Haterade
Apology, scientology. The world’s most overrated douche in the industry (yeah, I get it, he’s totally a ~visionary~ and collaborates with Takashi Murakami) needs a wake-up call in the most urgent way possible. Words seem to fail me here, which is why nothing says it better than my Top 3 favorite celebrity responses of the night. They are, in order:
@Pink:

Kanye west is the biggest piece of shit on earth. Quote me.

@katyperry:

FUCK U KANYE. IT’S LIKE U STEPPED 0N A KITTEN.

And finally, Kelly Clarkson:

I’m not even mad at you for being an asshole…I just pity you because you’re a sad human being.