If you’ve not yet heard the small masterpiece that is “Obsessed,” you may have missed the fact that, now more than ever, Mariah Carey is waxing poetic. (Thanks, Nick Cannon!)

While listening to her newest album, Memoirs of an Geisha Imperfect Angel, it became rapidly apparent that a running list of the greatest lyrical achievements was in order.

And now, in some particular order, the list:

He’s all up in my
George Foreman!

Kicking off the list is one of the most classic moments off of Mimi’s hit non-single single, “Obsessed.” Will anyone ever really look at a George Foreman grill in the same way?

You got me spinning’ ’round for you like a little model,
Steady fiendin’ for you like them fries at McDonalds,
I wanna be all on your lips like gelato.

Somewhere, a smarmy fast food exec just hip-thrusted the air and shouted, “BOOYA!” Expect fry sales to climb for the third quarter of 2009.

Put all of your shit in the elevator
It’s going down like a denominator.

Well, she already proved to us that she’s no mathematician. Let’s not beat her over the head…with this quote, anyway.

Secretly, I know you want to hit it like the lotto,
And after that, we can ketchup like tomato.

I especially like this one, as it demonstrates Mimi’s ability to employ an accent at will. To-MAY-to, to-MAH-to–it’s all the same when you’re tapping Mimi’s ass.

This is for real, for real, for real,
Oprah Winfrey, whole segment, for real, for real,
20/20, Barbara Walters,for real, for real,
60 minutes for real.”

In case anyone was uncertain, bitch is fo’ real real, not fo’ play play.

Not even a nail technician with a whole lot of gel and acrylic can fix this when I break, I break.

I believe it was about this time that I had to pause the album for a moment, sit back, and just mellow out for a little while. I ended up lighting a few tea candles, writing a short haiku, and just getting all spiritual and shit.

And finally, last but certainly not least…

If we were two Lego blocks,
Even the Harvard University graduating class of 2010
Couldn’t put us back together again.

Genius. Literally: Where is her fucking Pulitzer?!

I just wish there were some way I could be there, you know? A fly on the dorm wall of the homosexual at Harvard University listening to this song for the first time, who will then jump out of his seat and shriek, “OH MY FUCKING GOD, SHE WROTE THIS SONG ABOUT ME.” At least, I would.

Oh yeah, and I’ll get around to reviewing this mess sometime soon.

Listen to Mariah Carey on iTunes | MySpace | Official Website