Well, I’m pissed, so this is mostly just going to come out in random spurts of anger that are occasionally bolded.

The video for “3″ is not sexy. It is not smart. It is, for the most part, uninteresting. Her hair looks bad. Her eyes look dead. There isn’t even any horse porn.

Yes, the screen shot previews were deceivingly gorgeous. Had I known that the video would be little more than a series of those intense close-ups looped on repeat, I would have been less excited coming into this project.

There’s essentially no real “dancing,” no plot line, and no point. For the most part, “3″ is about Britney and her back-up dancers frolicking ’round in a white, nebulous non-space together. As for the work of ‘acclaimed choreographers Tone & Rich‘? Maybe they came in to help install the plate of glass Britney smushes her hands and face against repeatedly.

There are no actual threesomes, and hardly any implied ones either. There were occasional moments in which Britney was joined by two men (probably accidental), but otherwise, the song’s content is conveniently overlooked.

Oh, and here’s the killer: “Living in sin is the new thing,” the song’s best lyric? Censored. Yep! No explanation for why, but apparently all the boys and all the girls are begging to “live in this.”

The ladies-on-the-pole horizontal dancey bit is the only good moment. I enjoyed that immensely, and there were some near-sexy hip gyrations thrown into the routine.

But alas, ’twas not enough to save the clip. By the video’s end, I felt the way Britney looked throughout–bored and slightly battered.

This video simply does NOT deserve a place next to Britney’s finest on the Singles Collection DVD. I mean…”I’m A Slave 4 U,” anyone? It’s been almost ten years later, and it’s still miles ahead of “3″ as far as maturity, style, and iconic status are concerned.

I’m ready for this childish era of Britney’s career to end. I love her death, and I refuse to watch her produce this kind of mediocrity. FOR GOD’S SAKE, SHE DID “TOXIC.”

Reload, Britney…reload.