Assessing the Performances at the 2009 American Music Awards.

I must confess: I didn’t catch the American Music Awards live. Therefore, I was unable to partake in the full experience, complete with all the gasps and finger pointing and shouts of “Oh girl, no you didn’t!” one would usually encounter when watching a trainwreck excuse of an awards program.

I did, however, just watch all of the live performances. And now, I shall rank them in an order that literally means nothing, yet uses numbers in a descending format because people seem to like that sort of thing.

8.

It’s so wonderful to watch Janet Jackson performing once more–and all the hits, no less! I adore the fact that she broke out the dance breakdown from her 1993 MTV VMA performance once more. It’s a shame the camera didn’t do more close-ups during the performance. She looked stunning at the end!

I have to say, though: Could her stylist not have found something a bit more flattering to wear than a glorified burlap sack? I mean, she’s a legend…let’s dress her up like one. Anyway, love love love to Janet.

7.

Okay, I’m sticking to my guns here: I didn’t hate it! At all. In fact, I thought Jennifer Lopez gave quite a good performance. Lots of dancing, lots of voguing, and a very Kylie-esque stiletto walk on an assortment of man servants. Sure, “Louboutins” isn’t about to blow up the radio (I’ve actually not heard such an obvious flop from miles away since…err, well, since “Do It Well.”)

Lola stuck those moves, and even when she didn’t, she still looked hot as hayllll trying.

6.

I just feel bad, mainly.

5.

First, the bad news: There’s nothing Rihanna can do to change the fact, while Rated R is an incredible album, it is NOT made for performing live.

And now, the semi-good: She’s trying everything she can to make it work. Even if the energy is low and the stage presence minimal at best, that Rihanna reign just won’t let up. This is still miles better than the lackluster performances from the Good Girl Gone Bad era, and since the music’s so morbid, you might not even be able to tell that she’s hardly working the stage. Excellent visuals, by the by!

PS: Every time she uses the “Mad House” sequence as her opener, I squee a little bit inside. It’s such a great mood builder!

4.

I hadn’t heard “Give it Up To Me” before this awards show, and I quite certainly don’t plan to hear it afterward. Shakira looks and sounds gorgeous (if that was even live…), but what difference does it make when you’re singing such a tuneless jam?

Fuck Timbaland and his recycled garbage.

3.

Wow, way to play it safe.

Kidding!

Where do I begin? No, really…with the flaming piano? The gas-mask wearing violin players? How about the Skeletor’s-home-for-the-holidays body suit? There’s so much to be said about the visuals Lady Gaga brings to the forefront of her performances that it’s often easy to overlook what a talented musician she actually is.

The “Bad Romance” segment was great fun, incorporating all the greatest monster mash moves from the music video and translating them gorgeously onto stage, while “Speechless” essentially delivered without flaw. In fact, Gaga’s live performance was arguably even more vulnerable and emotional than the album recording itself. Artist of the year (even if the AMA vote says otherwise) and performance of the night, ladies and gentlemen…’nough said.

2.

And here we have Adam Glambutt’s “For Your Entertainment.”

Some writers have branded the performance as “offensive,” a criticism with which I wholeheartedly agree: I mean, who could honestly bear to hear that cringe-worthy screeching for a single moment longer?! It was HORRID! Aside from the fact that I was constantly reminded that “For Your Entertainment” plays like a bad RedOne reinterpretation of Sam Sparro’s “Black & Gold,” Lambert’s uncontrollable yelping actually upset me to my very core.

No, I don’t give a shit about the fact that he dragged a few S&M lackeys around on the ground or made out with some rando-man in the background (so edgy and non-mainstream!), I just want my ears to stop bleeding.

1.

Sometimes, emotions can only be conveyed through .gifs found at ONTD. This is one of those times: