The video for X-Factor winner Joe McElderry‘s debut single “Ambitions” has arrived. It is both (A) glorious and (B) stunning.

Now here is an objective account of the various things that happen in the video:

+ First we have Joe looking flawless and gorgeous, like a sweet, beautiful angel sent from Heaven on a mission to capture my heart.

+ Then there’s something dancing the streets that doesn’t make much sense at all for the song, but it sure looks like everyone’s having an absolute blast.

+ Then there’s a moment where the boy drops all these papers and so Joe comes over to pick them up, and you think to yourself while you’re watching alone in the dark “OH MY GOD. Is this it? Are they going to make out?! He’s smiling–they’re totally–OH MY GOD. I think they’re going to make out! Is this about to be a major moment in pop his–” and then the boy stands up and throws the papers all over Joe in some weird sort of celebratory moment.

So self-defeating. Why’d you pick them up in the first place, asshole?

And then there’s that extended final glance at the video’s end. Deep and searching, as though he were piercing STRAIGHT INTO YOUR SOUL with his Adonis-like face.

Don’t worry, Joe…you and I both know who that look is reserved for.

And there you have it: An objective review of the musical video for “Ambitions.”