CALLING ALL CUNNING LINGUISTS: Y’all ready to get your GENIUS on?!

As we all well know, Brit Brit‘s first single from her upcoming seventh studio album (due out in March) will be released at some point within the first week of January. As I first announced (which was later confirmed by Dr. Luke), it’s a song called “Hold It Against Me.”*

Earlier tonight, Dr. Luke tweeted a VERY IMPORTANT update regarding the new single*:

EDIT: At 10 a.m. EST on Sunday, Dr. Luke added THIS MIND-BLOWING UPDATE:

In honor of this breaking news, I’ve decided a contest is in order:

I want YOU to try and guess the lyrics to “Hold It Against Me.”

The winner will receive a $25 VISA GIFT CARD, which has been graciously donated by Muuser Mike V.

What do YOU think she’s singing about? Does she want you to hold your body against hers? Or perhaps she’s referring to a fancy dress? Or maybe she’s referring to a lasting Floptina grudge of some kind? I REALLY JUST HAVE NO IDEA–it’s up to you to decide.

To enter to win, send me an e-mail with the subject line “HOLD IT AGAINST ME” telling me your BEST GUESS at the song’s first verse and chorus.

The first word is “Hey” and the third word is “there,” so how hard could it be to guess the rest?! I mean…honestly.

The winner will be the entrant who most closely nails the song’s general theme and/or lyrical structure (which will be determined when we actually hear the song. Duh.)

The three closest entries will then be featured in a follow-up post when the contest winner is announced.

So what are you waiting for? Here comes the showdown!

Oh–and please, remember: This isn’t an exclusive, nor is it meant to stir up rumors or mad internet dramz. I just want to have a little fun with my fellow Godney stans!

GOOD LUCK AND GODSPEED.

*I cannot be held responsible if “Hold It Against Me” does not end up being selected as the first single. Don’t hold it against me.

Much as with Very Mary Kate and Drew Droege‘s “Chloe” videos, I am utterly obsessed with Nadya Ginsburg‘s spoofs…especially when it comes to Madonna. Haven’t seen them yet? Consider yourself formally inspired.

Here now is the latest masterpiece she’s done: A guest appearance on the e-talk show series, Doin’ It With Ethan.

Watch as the Queen takes Ethan through her secret underground bunker (“The Zion Lounge”), shows off some of her signature “Holiday” moves, and schools us all on the true meaning of Christmas.

This is just the medicine I needed while I lay here fading away in my sick bed. (And perfect timing given the news this morning!)

Long Live The Queen.

STOP YOUR LIFE AND CANCEL YOUR DINNER PLANS.

The Queen of Pop is ready to begin recording new music again.

Thanks to Hard Candy Music for posting the update, Madonna just added a “special statement” onto her official website:

“It’s official! I need to move. I need to sweat. I need to make new music! Music I can dance to. I’m on the look out for the maddest, sickest, most bad ass people to collaborate with. I’m just saying”…… — Madonna

Do you hear that? “Music I can dance to.” She’s been bitten by the bug again!

Please, oh pretty please Pop Gods, let this album come together in 2011. Imagine: Britney, Janet and Madonna all in one year? Be still my Pop Heart!

I’m feelin’ lyke dis:

This morning, Deconstruction Records released a surprise early Christmas present: A 2-minute SoundCloud preview of Gossip frontwoman Beth Ditto‘s upcoming 4-track solo EP, produced by Simian Mobile Disco.

The stream includes all four songs on the EP, including “Goodnight Good Morning,” “Do You Need Someone?” “I Wrote The Book,” and “Open Heart Surgery.” Here’s the stream:

From the sounds of it, you will greatly enjoy Beth Ditto’s upcoming 4-track solo EP if:

+ You’re an early ’90′s club sound enthusiast.
+ You’re a fan of nu-disco.
+ You’re a fan of synthesizers.
+ You’re a fan of Róisín Murphy‘s Overpowered.
+ You’re a fan of Deconstruction Records–the same label responsible for Kylie Minogue‘s 1994 self-titled release and her 1997 artistic opus, Impossible Princess.
+ You’re a fan of Beth Ditto’s previous collaboration with Simian Mobile Disco, “Cruel Intentions,” the minimal disco gem from the troupe’s 2009 album, Temporary Pleasure.

Luckily I am all of these things, which makes this a very special and exciting release, indeed.

Beth Ditto’s upcoming solo EP will be released in January.

Here now we have former Popstars: The Rivals contestant Cheryl Cole performing the soon-to-be iconic chart-topper “The Flood,” her second single (which doubles as arguably one of the worst songs ever recorded in the history of ever) from her second studio album, Messy Little Raindrops (which doubles as arguably one of the worst albums ever recorded in the history of ever) at tonight’s Royal Variety Performance gala held by the British Royal Family.

Wait, okay. I’m sorry–is that? Is this completely live? Correct me if I’m wrong, but is Chezza absolutely nailing that “THE FLAHHHHHHHHUDDDD” bit? Really? Not pre-recorded, that bit?

If so, brava little mama! Brava. You’ll make that Prince William regret his choice of Kate Middleton yet.

In conclusion: Cheryl looks very nice and pretty, but I do wish there was a dance breakdown. I’ve come to expect these sorts of things.

ALL HAIL PRINCESS CHEZZA TWEEDY.

It’s time for that age old tradition again: Pop star records amazing pop song, indie artist covers said pop song during BBC’s Radio 1 Live Lounge, indie fans are allowed to listen to something popular, pop fans are allowed to listen to something that doesn’t exclusively contain synthesizers, indie and pop fans rejoice and come together as one.

EVERYBODY WINS.

Here we have Vampire Weekend putting their ska-tinged spin on Cheryl Cole‘s sublime 2009 debut single “Fight For This Love” on today’s Radio 1 Live Lounge.

It’s decent and all (a bit dull/flat in my opinion), but here’s one that’s even better:

The Sugababes, covering Florence + The Machine‘s “Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up).” Yes, I realize it’s the reverse condition (pop covering indie). Doesn’t matter–SAME RULES APPLY!

Now that’s a tune.

Time for one of my major “Most Anticipated” acts of 2011!

I first wrote about Ed Drewett in September.

He’s the UK singer-songwriter responsible for co-penning The Wanted‘s wonderful debut single “All Time Low,” as well as his equally wonderful debut single “Champagne Lemonade” along with post-Xenomania pop scribe, Tim Powell.

Sadly, the single didn’t chart as wonderfully–peaking at a deeply unsettling #84 on the UK Singles Chart.

But know this now: Ed Drewett is an incredibly talented songwriter, and “Champagne Lemonade” is just the beginning.

Around a week ago, the 5-track sampler for Drewett’s upcoming studio album (due out in early 2011) leaked onto the interwebz. Though I’m not one for encouraging the downloading of leaks (Who am I kidding…don’t we all?! It’s 2010), it must be said: This is required listening.

As a whole, the sampler is unbelievably listenable–from “Vital Signs,” a glittering, synth-y groove that finds Drewett continuing the beef with his lady lover on “Champagne Lemonade” (“You can be so heartless, check your vital signs / You say that’s a pulse that I can’t find / Girl, I’ve tried”) to “Keep Me In Mind,” a surging serenade in which Drewett flexing his songwriting muscles by playing the pauper and offering up some sweetly sung promises (“I would buy the shoes you like / In every single color, you deserve them every time / So keep me in mind”).

It’s “Parallels,” however (which I originally wrote about in the Introduucing piece), that continues to be the shining highlight for me.

Like Madonna‘s “Get Together” mixed with the piano riff of Sia‘s “Breathe Me” mixed with Sting (sounds potentially terrible, isn’t), the song is a massive, pulsating 21st century ode to seizing the day and living in the moment.

While I’m not usually one to warm to inspirational anthems in my pop, “Parallels” truly makes me a believer.

See you at the top in 2011, Ed!

DL: Ed Drewett – Parallels

“Champagne Lemonade” was released on October 29. (iTunes UK)

So since I’ve been bumping Real Housewives of Atlanta star/former Xscape member Kandi Burruss‘ new record Kandi Koated for some time now, I’m thinking it’s high time for a Muusing.

Although I admittedly fell asleep listening to the album for the first time during a train ride into New York last week, I’ve since discovered that Kandi Koated is a pretty slammin’ record when experienced consciously, complete with its fair share of tasty, R&B-coated (sorry, “Kandi Koated”) confections to nosh on.

(That the album cover looks exactly like the layout of MuuMuse is only an added bonus.)

There’s the inspirational anthems for the single ladies and baby mamas (“Superwoman”), the boner jamz (“I Want You,” “Give It To You”), devastation ballads (“How Could You…Feel My Pain”) and of course, more than a few cautionary tales about no good, triflin’ men. I mean…the woman co-wrote TLC‘s “No Scrubs.”

One such fable comes in the form of Kandi’s first single, “Leave U,” a velvety smooth, lusciously cooed ultimatum: “You got to keep it up to keep me around,” Kandi warns.

Along with the original version of the song comes this: The dance remix, a distinctly late ’90′s club-tinged take on the single. “SOMETHING FOR THE LADIES,” as the e-mail blast urges. Think Whitney Houston‘s “It’s Not Right (But It’s Okay)” remix, but…you know, not Whitney.

While I wouldn’t necessarily call this one a full-on wig snatcher (we’ll leave Kim Z. to do the dirty work in that department), it’s certainly a groove, as well as a genuinely pleasant tribute to old school R&B jams.

DL: Kandi – Leave U (Dance Remix)

Kandi Koated was released on December 14. (iTunes)