HO MAY LARD.
I’mma needa sit down for this one…
Irish living legend QUEEN NUHDEEN has just unveiled the premiere single from her sudden solo career revamp: “Sweetest High.”
It’s a glittering dance song with a throbbing house beat! It can be danced to while under the influence!
Alright, let’s cut the shit: “Sweetest High” is a cheap-ass, broke-down production that plays like a 2005 MySpace dance diva’s fledgling Billboard Bubbling Under dance single.
The mix is tinny and sparse, and the beats are embarrassingly dated, cheap and generic. It is, by all definitions, a tickety tack hot mess from Transylvania that is not apologizing for it. (The reference on that one, if you weren’t aware.)
While I might have heralded this song as The Second Coming if offered up by a less notable chanteuse–perhaps a Heidi Montag or a Brooke Hogan type (maybe, as most of their discography still shits all over this)–the song is being sung by Nadine Coyle, an actual, verifiable singer of legendary pop songs.
And yes, she’s sanging! A lot! And of course she’s always amazing when she sings, but…oh, I just. I can’t. I can’t!
I mean, honestly: I don’t mean to throw so much shade (way too late for that one), but when Tila Tequila can jiggle her yum yums for a more noteworthy beat (“Hideaway”) than a PLATINUM-SELLING GIRL GROUP MEMBER, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.
Nadine, listen–no, put down the stilettos and LISTEN TO ME: You’ve sold a lot of fucking albums! And YOU are the lead vocals on many of the Aloud singles! You should be doing better than this, and you DAYUM WAYHL KNOW UT!
HAD AY KNOWN THUS WUD HAYPUN, AY WUD HAYV JUST PRAYFAYURED ANUTHAYR SAYNGUL FROM UNSHAYSHABULL, NUHDEEN.
CRAYUNG UH MAYLYUN TURRS RAHYT NOW.
“Sweetest High” was released worldwide on June 22. (iTunes)