LITERALLY SHUT THE FUCK UP, DROP YOUR BABY ON THE FLOOR AND BRIEFLY CEASE THE FUNCTION OF YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS.

Queen Paris Hilton has teamed up with Colorado DJ duo Manufactured Superstars for a song called “Drunk Text.”

STOP CRYING. STOP. WAIT. STOP. WAIT. Okay. Let me just tell you something right now: You might think that your body is ready, but I can assure you from personal experience that it most certainly is NOT.

It appears as though Queen Hilton’s been up at night diligently studying the Twitter accounts of gays going clubbing across the nation (or at least in New York City), because the lyrics of her new song are literally the makings of every single Friday night at the Ritz. (This assessment may or may not be from personal experience.)

Sensuously speaking atop a bouncy club beat made for bottle poppin’ and shot splashin’, the heiress delivers a most astounding tale of getting rill fucked up in a club, pulling out her phone and making mistake after mistake. There is talk of Twitter. There is talk of upskirt photos. There is talk of lingerie being stuffed into a purse.

I repeat: This is not a drill, y’all.

Although she doesn’t ever sing on the track (she’s resting those sugary-sweet chops for her bound-to-be-amazing Afrojack-produced House album later in 2012), it’s Hilton’s sinful purrs that keep the song sizzling the whole way through.

And as though that wasn’t enough, we get to watch Paris pouting, primping and posing in the newly released video.

It’s a stunning affair full of glamour shots and plump red lips, which will undoubtedly result in lesser pop divas–like ones with names that rhyme with Tristina Saguilera–to tear out their weaves track by track, burning their record label contracts, and cowering under a blanket made of unsold Bionic albums as they quickly realize that they simply can not and will not do better.

“Drunk Text” is the most flaw-free thing I’ve heard all week–nay, all month. If not ever. Okay, maybe not ever. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that I’m never dancing next to Paris Hilton with a skirt on again. Get that camera out of here, bitch!

All other music released this year is now rendered irrelevant, more or less. Now, here are ten of the best lines from this game-changer.

10.) “This is the last time I’ll ever drink and text.”

9.) “It’s a hot mess of misspelled obscenities, body parts and run-on questions.”

8.) “When you add drunk sexting? Words just don’t make any sense…”

7.) “Are you fucking kidding me?”

6.) “I’m too lazy to type, so I send a photo I took up a dancer’s skirt and tell him to come and get it.”

5.) “You take the word sex and mix it with texting. It’s called sexting.”

4.) “I’ll be damned if I end up in some lame diner after this with last night’s lingerie in my purse.”

3.) “No one is safe in the Twittersphere anymore.”

2.) “I went out to the club the other night to, you know, dance with my bitches…”

1.) “I’m sorry…it was just a drunk text.”

In all seriousness, it’s actually complete meta tongue-in-cheek trashy glam club brilliance–I’m on my knees in praise.

ALL HAIL QUEEN PARIS.