May 9, 2012
Legendtina Wears No Pants and Debuts No Single During ‘Voice’ Finale, Remains Legend
‘Twas the grand finale of The Voice Season 2 this week–and things got heated! And derogatory towards WOMEN!
Why? I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED.
Former Mickey Mouse Club member Tony Lucca sang a country-folk-rock version of Jay-Z‘s “99 Problems” on Monday, and it was blah fine whatever, and then Christina was all like “the fact that you sang a song about a ‘bitch’ being a problem is derogatory towards women,” and Lucca was like “lol w/e” and then Christina jumped up out of her swivel chair, dialed Lil Kim‘s hot pink bedazzled Boost Mobile phone and was all like “Kim, put down the pen on that Azealia Banks diss track that no one’s going to listen to and join me,” and then Lil Kim was all like “k” and then the two utterly slayed the stage with an insane 2012 version of “Can’t Hold Us Down” that brought Lucca down to his knees. (SIGH. Only in my dreams.)
But the episode wasn’t all bad!
Earlier on, the “Sex For Breakfast” songstress and winner of the 2001 “Favorite Latin Album of the Year” Blockbuster Entertainment Award for Mi Reflejo took us all to the Church of CHRISTina by performing Celine Dion and Andrea Bocelli‘s “The Prayer” with her finalist, swaggy opera man Chris Mann. It was truly phenomenal. So much power! So much emotion! So much breast! A religious experience, as only Jesustina Hasrisenguilera could provide.
And then the final finale episode happened last night, and Legendtina wasn’t performing so nothing really mattered until the elimination in the last few minutes of the episode. And in fourth place…Chris Mann! WHAT?!
Like the Goddess Mentor Bird of Prey that she is, Legendtina immediately swooped onstage to console him and say a few kind words and–
OH MY GOD, SHE’S NOT WEARING PANTS.
Why? Um, because LEGENDS DON’T WEAR PANTS. Pants can’t hold us down! Pants suck, make me sick–inflated hemlines, little threads! That’s why.
In case you don’t have the “Get The Look” section of Christina’s website set as your homepage as I do, those fabulously glam diaper-chic bottoms were glue-gunned together using limited edition Bionic vinyls, Burlesque promotional pins and some extra Grammys lying around Legendtina’s chateau. FASHION IS A LIFESTYLE!
So then Tony Lucca came in third (#cantholdusdown, bye hater), Ashlee Simpson came in second place and Jermaine Paul won! And he sang “I Believe I Can Fly,” and it all started to feel a bit like 1996. Or perhaps 2003, which is the same year Season 1 winner Javier Colon released his debut record pre-Voice, which charted at #94 on the Billboard 200. His post-Voice winning record in 2011? #134.
The Voice: Where dreams happen…kind of! (No wonder Jermaine was crying.)
But you know what DIDN’T happen? New music from Christina Aguilera. There was nary a performance nor even a hint of an announcement made during the finale. Why, Team Xtina? WHY? This is prime real estate to promote “Love Your Body” (or whatever your new single’s going to be called). Seize the moment! The power of now! Carpe Dia Frumpton! Have you learned nothing from Oprah‘s Lifeclass? UGH.
FORGET THESE FLOPS AND
RELEASE YOUR NEW SINGLE, QUEEN.