Legendtina Wears No Pants and Debuts No Single During ‘Voice’ Finale, Remains Legend

by Bradley Stern

‘Twas the grand finale of The Voice Season 2 this week–and things got heated! And derogatory towards WOMEN!


Former Mickey Mouse Club member Tony Lucca sang a country-folk-rock version of Jay-Z‘s “99 Problems” on Monday, and it was blah fine whatever, and then Christina was all like “the fact that you sang a song about a ‘bitch’ being a problem is derogatory towards women,” and Lucca was like “lol w/e” and then Christina jumped up out of her swivel chair, dialed Lil Kim‘s hot pink bedazzled Boost Mobile phone and was all like “Kim, put down the pen on that Azealia Banks diss track that no one’s going to listen to and join me,” and then Lil Kim was all like “k” and then the two utterly slayed the stage with an insane 2012 version of “Can’t Hold Us Down” that brought Lucca down to his knees. (SIGH. Only in my dreams.)

But the episode wasn’t all bad!

Earlier on, the “Sex For Breakfast” songstress and winner of the 2001 “Favorite Latin Album of the Year” Blockbuster Entertainment Award for Mi Reflejo took us all to the Church of CHRISTina by performing Celine Dion and Andrea Bocelli‘s “The Prayer” with her finalist, swaggy opera man Chris Mann. It was truly phenomenal. So much power! So much emotion! So much breast! A religious experience, as only Jesustina Hasrisenguilera could provide.

And then the final finale episode happened last night, and Legendtina wasn’t performing so nothing really mattered until the elimination in the last few minutes of the episode. And in fourth place…Chris Mann! WHAT?!

Like the Goddess Mentor Bird of Prey that she is, Legendtina immediately swooped onstage to console him and say a few kind words and–


Why? Um, because LEGENDS DON’T WEAR PANTS. Pants can’t hold us down! Pants suck, make me sick–inflated hemlines, little threads! That’s why.

In case you don’t have the “Get The Look” section of Christina’s website set as your homepage as I do, those fabulously glam diaper-chic bottoms were glue-gunned together using limited edition Bionic vinyls, Burlesque promotional pins and some extra Grammys lying around Legendtina’s chateau. FASHION IS A LIFESTYLE!

So then Tony Lucca came in third (#cantholdusdown, bye hater), Ashlee Simpson came in second place and Jermaine Paul won! And he sang “I Believe I Can Fly,” and it all started to feel a bit like 1996. Or perhaps 2003, which is the same year Season 1 winner Javier Colon released his debut record pre-Voice, which charted at #94 on the Billboard 200. His post-Voice winning record in 2011? #134.

The Voice: Where dreams happen…kind of! (No wonder Jermaine was crying.)

But you know what DIDN’T happen? New music from Christina Aguilera. There was nary a performance nor even a hint of an announcement made during the finale. Why, Team Xtina? WHY? This is prime real estate to promote “Love Your Body” (or whatever your new single’s going to be called). Seize the moment! The power of now! Carpe Dia Frumpton! Have you learned nothing from Oprah‘s Lifeclass? UGH.

In conclusion…



  • Mau

    Ashlee Simpson! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

  • JVe

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9JpEfLlsmI Legendary performance of Christina! 

  • Blah

    LOL Besos. Love it!!!

  • Greg M.

    Hey! I liked “Ashlee Simpson” :P

    But yeahh, Xtina needs to just come out with that new single like right now before the voice has been over for a minute & people forget about her ….

  • Nicky

    jesus did you drink like 10 red bulls before writing this?

  • Nicky

    lol and omg she looks so gross in that first pic. people kept saying she was skinny again but she still looks like a tranny cow.

  • http://www.vertigoshtick.com Vertigo Shtick

    I was at the taping and Cbristina made it clear that she was sick. After that PR masterpiece that was the Bionic rollout, there’s no way Xtina and team are going to get the comeback album ball rolling with anything less than a “bang.” Or, as it’s known in her world, a “BOW THE FUCK DOWN I WORE ASSLESS CHAPS SAVED THE GAYS WON THE GRAMMY FOR BEST NEW ARTIST AND I LOOK HOT AS SHIT AND HERE’S MY NEW ALBUM SO CHOKE IT DOWN BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT BEFORE I METAMORPHOSE INTO CYNDI LAUPER” Because she is Xtina, and she can.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=510730745 Emmett Anthony

    Aw Bradley you never fail to make me laugh (while agreeing 100%0

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=510730745 Emmett Anthony

    Aw Bradley you never fail to make me laugh (while agreeing 100%0

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Crazy-Charlie-Platard/100001006264954 Crazy-Charlie Platard

    She look soooo FAT!! iugh!! 

  • Ruby

    I wish she’d get skinny again.