We all know the living legend never disappoints with her fragrance commercials.

Curious revolutionized the way we all thought about peep holes. Fantasy single-handedly revived the Magic Love Arrow industry. And if the Radiance commercial came out a few years prior, “No thanks, I choose my own destiny” would have been my high school yearbook quote (and probably the inspiration for my next lower back tattoo, right next to the fairy.)

But now, our faithful Lordney and Savior has really gone and done with Fantasy Twist, an alluring two-for-one bottle offering the sweet and fruity intoxication of Fantasy, as well as the sensual, seductive notes of Midnight Fantasy.

Watch as the sexy and strong, dangerous yet mysterious, and cool yet confident songstress struts her way through a hotel (no, not the Onyx Hotel), providing countless references to her many iconic eras and serving armography for days–all to the sound of Goldfrapp‘s “Beautiful.” Why? ‘Cause she’s beautiful (drop dead.)

“We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are…”

Never one to shy away from a good ride, Our Lady of Lace & Leather takes it down to the ground, elevator style.

She’s done it many times before…

…and she’s not sorry. It’s human nature.

Cool, funky and fresh: This is the Britney we all love and adore, and to whom we bow down and light vanilla candles at our altars on a nightly basis before reading a passage from the Book of Godney.

There may also be the slightest bit of “Piece of Me” thrown in, but with better hair and no fur.

Godney’s continued to struggle against people lookin’ through the peephole her entire life…

Whether it be Kevin Federline

…the paparazzi…

…or nosy clientele at a trashy hotel. She sees you looking at her like she’s some kind of freak, Alexander Skarsgard knock off, so why don’t you do somethin’? (Like purchasing Fantasy Twist at your local Target!)

Do you dare?

Every time she tries to fly, she falls without her wings–until now.

Previously a Slave 4 U, the pop princess has since morphed into Pharaohney. But she’s already given us more (moah) of Pharaohney before…

After extensive Googling, MuuMuse’s internal research department has deduced that Pharaohney is clearly an homage to goddess Ma’at, who is represented in glyph form by the feather. Here, Ma’atney is covered in golden feathers plucked straight from the Tomb of Amy (after much seeking, she’s still nowhere to be found.)

Also, Ma’at stood for Truth and Justice. People can take everything away from you, but they can never take away your truth. The question is, can you handle Ma’atney’s?

Perfected to a science that only she can comprehend, Godney’s armography requires intense hand-eye coordination, hours of dedicated practice, and little to no commitment from the lower half of one’s body. Look familiar?

This type of love certainly isn’t rational.

Meet Old Hollywood Glamourney.

A reference both to her iconic 2003 photoshoot with Ellen Von Unwerth for the New York Times

…and the glam of Circus. (Larry…fireworks?)

She’s giving us Harlow Jean. She’s giving us Bette Davis. She’s giving us everyone else Madonna mentioned in the breakdown of “Vogue.” Mr. Photographer, I think she’s ready for her close-up.

Nobody was ready for this one.

She’s so tired of headlines.

And her name’s not Britney. It’s Veronica the Witch–and she will cast a spell on you.

Unlike Illuminati High Priestess Rihanna, Godney is not into devil worshipping. Her baby is her religion. And Kabbalah. What? Stop asking questions. Go to the light and see Jesus!

She’s got yo crazy…

..and don’t think I don’t see you, Blackoutney. Oh, I see you. (And I just want to dance with you.)

In the end, we all remain unworthy, and the legendary Miss Britney Spears remains legendary.


About The Author

I'm like the ringleader. I call the shots.

  • http://twitter.com/Carlos_Rosso Carlos Rosso

    this was great reading, you’ve done it again

  • http://twitter.com/wannaGOohOh ts

    50 shades of flawless.
    Brilliant, iconic journalism tbh.

  • http://twitter.com/wannaGOohOh ts

    50 shades of flawless.
    Brilliant, iconic journalism tbh.

  • http://twitter.com/wannaGOohOh ts

    50 shades of flawless.
    Brilliant, iconic journalism tbh.

  • Chucho Amezcua

    Godney should already get rid of Max Martin and Dr. Luke and enlist people like Goldfrapp for her next record. Just imagine ‘Ride a White Horse’ and ‘Ooh La La’ with the Holy Spearit’s voice.

  • Jul

    i love the way you write. funny, witty and stan-y. <3

  • Jul

    i love the way you write. funny, witty and stan-y. <3

  • Jul

    i love the way you write. funny, witty and stan-y. <3

  • Jul

    i love the way you write. funny, witty and stan-y. <3

  • FreakyFlyBri

    I am listening to both of those songs in my head now with Britney’s voice instead of Alison’s, and…it’s magical. She could do those songs such great justice with her voice. <3

    It's a pure shame that Goldfrapp is so stuck up that a collabo will probably never happen.