Disclaimer/Excuse Alert: I’m sick today, so this might be a rather shit write-up. I’m also certain it’s not a coincidence that I’ve fallen ill after spending the night watching a will.i.am video on repeat.

Alright… (REFERENCE.)

As we already know, Britney’s got a song out with walking billboard, fat bass enthusiast and occasional ‘hitmaker’ will.i.am called “Scream & Shout.” It’s hit or miss, but performing really well on the iTunes Charts. Actually, it’s #1 right now. Bothered?

Last evening, fellow B stans gathered ’round the telly in earnest (but mostly tuned in on illegal streams across the world) to suffer through yet another episode of The X Factor in the name of the Holy Spearit. And everyone was so super excited–especially Britney! Right, B?

OH. Well, I mean. Oof. Okay. Anyway.

The ‘sleek, futuristic’ video–which is more like a 2009 Brookstone catalog set to music–sees the beauty and the flop strutting, posing, serving face and vogueing their way around on the set of Madonna‘s “Celebration.”

First of all, the product placement. THE MERCILESS PRODUCT PLACEMENT. People: We thought the “Telephone” video was loaded down with brands? This bullshit–oh, this is the reason music snobs collectively put down their bowl of dehydrated kale chips, turn up their noses up and scoff: “Oh, pop music? Nothing but rampant consumerism packaged wwith some stupid, mindless tune to get people to buy shit they don’t need.” THIS IS FEEDING INTO THE PROBLEM: Digital cameras, headphones, alcohol, robot arms and whatever other expensive gadgets the Black Eyed Peas producer is hawking at the moment. The great irony, of course, is that with every expensive trinket flying past our eyes every five seconds, the video just feels cheaper by the second. STOP. THE ACTION.

UGH, AND HIS STUPID FACE WITH THAT STUPID HAT AND THOSE STUPID GLASSES.

Okay, sorry. Breathe (you) in. Breathe (you) out. (REFERENCE.) Let’s take it back to what really matters: Godney.

First of all, so Gorgeousney! Obviously. When isn’t she stunning, though? She’s serving intergalactic Barbarella glamazon realness, like a combination of Oops!ney-meets-Strongerney-meets-3ney, with a little bit of Boysney to boot (and in that glittery number, some Circusney.) Oh, and Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffanys. No one’s fave could ever, too iconic, flaw-free living legend, etc.

Britney is truly working, werking, and yes, even WERQing those arms. Arms up! Arms down!

Sure, her eyes might scream “HELP! I’ve been trapped in front of a green screen for hours with the same man who thought putting Mick Jagger and Jennifer Lopez on one song was a good idea!” But it’s those arms that shout: “Look! See? I’m having fun! WE’RE ALL HAVING FUN. CAN I PLEASE GO NOW?”

C’mon, Vogueney!

Femme Fataleney!

Loser, Loser, Double Loserney!

The merry strutting, too, was entirely on point…

“Right this way please, lesser.”

And then, there was that “Britney bitch!” room. That was a fun moment or whatever!

Sigh. At least it wasn’t this.

Look: I want to be happy. She is my Queen, after all. I guess I’m just being a little sailfish–I hate the fact that she’s sharing the screen with this tired flop. I hate that this looks tacky and dated. And the song…it’s really mediocre, y’all. I like it now because I’ve forced myself to listen three billion times, but I refuse to declare it genuinely “good.” Even I can’t stomach that Vanilla Frappe-flavored Kool-Aid.

Just run, Britney: RUN. Grab Jason, JJ, Sean Preston and Princess Hannah and RUN FAR, FAR AWAY from this Party City robot nightmare, deep into the enchanted Fantasy forest so that this man can never work with you again, and so that you can concentrate on crafting Blackout 2.0 in peace.

At least we have some legendary GIFs of B looking beauteous. And Godney bless the director for filming this…

For without it, we’d never have this.

OLE EYES ON OS.

Assorted GIFs provided by the flawless T. Kyle MacMahon’s MTV Buzzworthy GIF wall.

“Scream & Shout” was released on November 20. (iTunes)