Well, it’s happened: will.i.am‘s “Scream & Shout,” featuring the Legendary Miss Britney Spears, has dropped. It ‘dropped’ over the weekend, actually–first as a snippet, and then as a tagged Excluusive, and then in full by early Saturday. And now it’s really here, following a premiere on On Air with Ryan Seacrest this morning.

Reaction to the song have been quite mixed, ranging from utter disappointment (“THIS IS BAD”), to vague interest (“THIS IS OKAY”) to full-on, delusional stannery (“THIS IS THE GREATEST SONG OF 2012, BYE TO ALL OF YOUR FAVES.”) 99.9% of the time, I’m in the latter category when it comes to any and all things Godney. But not today.

Today…something’s different. The truth lies around here somewhere. Let’s weigh out the pros and cons, shall we?


via RealityTVGIFs

SCREAMS (OF DELIGHT)

1.) Britishney

It’s Brinney, innit! Britishney’s reared her darling lil’ head in different ways in the past, whether asking to use the loo or inside the studio (“Don’t Keep Me Waiting,” for example), but nowhere has she ever sounded quite so–well, regal. Fit for a Queen, as it were! “When we wahlk into the clob, awl eyes on uhs,” she proclaims, likely sipping tea and nibbling on crumpets in between takes in the studio. Sophie Ellis-Bextor could quite literally never.

2.) Vocalney

Sure, you can barely hear it beneath will.I.am’s grating, terrible robot voice–but there she is! Crooning beautifully during the chorus, like an Angelney sent down to provide us with a slice of Heaven on Earth. Those fluttery, flaw-free vocals! She sounds amazing. A true star.

3.) Allusions 4 U

She may only have about 3 actual sentences in the whole song, but Queen B was smart with her selection of carefully curated words. You see, all of her lyrics are obvious nods to various passages within the Book of Godney: “All eyes on us” is an obvious allusion to “Circus,” “In the club” is an obvious allusion to “He About To Lose Me,” “boys” is an obvious allusion to “Boys,” and “everybody” is an obvious allusion to “Everybody.” She’s guiding us all to the light to see Jesus, and we all remain unworthy of her blessed teachings.

4.) “It’s Britney, bitch.”

No, really: The “It’s Britney, bitch” from “Gimme More”–arguably one of the most sacred lines ever uttered in pop music history–was copied and pasted into the song, just before the beat drop. And that’s great, even though it’s sort of the musical equivalent of hastily scribbling the word “PICASSO” over a kindergartner’s drawing of a shoe.

5.) Me Against His Music

For fans feeling any prolonged “meh”-ness after hearing the song, remember: It’s will.I.am’s stupid and/or amazing song, not Britney’s! He was the one who decided to give Britney 12 seconds and a faint backing vocal. That’s all his doing. One might even say…it’s his prerogative.


via RealityTVGIFs

SHOUTS (OF HORROR)

1.) It’s not very much Britney at all, bitch

As we’ve already deduced, the Holy Spearit spent about as much time recording this song as Princess RiRi does on her weekly albums. To reiterate, Will: You had the opportunity to produce a song with Britney Spears, and you chose to HAY-HO-HAY-HO your way through for 4 minutes instead. No, really, her fans will love that! Everyone will! We love it!

2.) It’s (also) will.i.am, bitch

We don’t need to really go there, because you already know. will.i.am is to music as LMFAO is (was?) to–well, music. It’s bad, it’s childish, and it’s the kind of music that provides the sloppy soundtrack to every Facebook album called “GIRLZ NITE OUT!!1!”. I know, not everything he’s done is shit–but more often than not, it really is.

3.) The not-so-big fat bass

The beat is basic. I mean, sure: It’s a toe-tapper when played loud, but like…let’s be real. Really, REALLY real. That beat drop after Britney’s legendary line? WEAK. A drop is supposed to FUCK your body (Legendtina knows a thing or two about that–SAY!) This? This isn’t a fuck. This is one of those awkward, fumbling make-out sessions in a club at 4 AM where you’re like “OH! Hey, how’r–oh, your tongue’s in my mouth. Okay. That’s fine.” And Will’s sad “Aw, yeeeaah!”? will.I.CANNOT.

4.) Trip the station, change the channel

You know what makes songs with a swear word or two intolerable? Terrible radio edits! And that’s exactly what we’ve got here: On the radio edit of “Scream & Shout,” Britney’s otherwise fierce “You’re gonna turn this shit up” has been reduced to the infinitely tamer “You’re gonna turn, turn it up!” I mean, ugh.

IN CONCLUSION…

Perhaps you love this song, and you’re screaming, shouting and letting it all out right now. Or perhaps you think that Britney deserves to be featured on something vastly superior. In either case: We’re going to get through this, together, dancing till the world ends. In the meantime, prepare for the upcoming music video, and pray for ample hairflips and armography aplenty.

I’ll support my Queen regardless, and will likely have “BUY SCREAM & SHOUT ON iTUNES!” tattooed on my neck by next Tuesday, but I’m not about to pretend like this song isn’t extraordinarily basic. (That being said, I’m contractually obligated as a lifelong stan to go buck wild at the club if it comes on, and so I shall.)

As I said before, the great thing about this song is that it’s got nothing to do with Britney’s own career. It’s just a little taste of our beloved living legend to pass the time until Album #8. So have fun cooking up Blackout 2.0 in the studio with Darkchild and Danja, B! And please: never, ever accept will.i.am’s invitation to record together again.

…even if you do look adorable dancing in his studio.


  • britney popprincess

    I So agree.. awesome review

  • Guest

    I completely agree with you but the Britney parts give me so much life I can’t help but be slayed by this song. This is like a little preview of Blackout 2.0 via Freakshow part deux.

  • DA

    FLOP SONG… XTINA IS SO MUCH BETTER!

  • Bridges

    I am by no means a Britney stan, which is probably why I enjoy this song so much. I am not surprised will.i.am controls most of the song (it is HIS song after all) and I think Britney and him harmonize beautifully together and I have to say I completely enjoyed will’s verses in the song, which surprises me because I usually find his voice annoying. Thank God this song does NOT have a huge breakdown, in 2012 I’ve heard every variation of a breakdown in pop music and I am ready to move on from that reductive trend already! Britney’s vocals are definitely the best part of the song, that deep voice and that sexy british accent are absolutely flawless and I hope she explores that more in her next album.

  • Brent

    The contrast between legendary and basic could not be greater. That singer, I.Will.Fail. is so unworthy of the queens vocals it’s not even funny. However, anything Britney utters, like “Not yet”, is flawless. When Brit sings her lines, I totally envision her latest fragrance commercial.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kittykat3544 Katie Gustafson

    That grimacing GIF…I die.

  • Bridges

    Given Xtina’s recent sales numbers, I wouldn’t be so sure.

  • http://twitter.com/dosomethin2nite Joanna

    I can’t stop playing this song!! It’s so incredibly infectious!!!!!

  • Guest

    If there was an actual drop then this would actually work.

  • Chris

    Lol, if i have to hear her do that inevitable scream/yell note (“YEAA AAAHHH AHHHH AHHH!!”) that she always seems to, unfortunately, turn to when she has a big moment, im gonna cut my ears off and throw ‘em in a blender.

  • Chris

    I have to say, the only part of this song that makes it shine, is the deep, growling voice she’s utilizing during her accent. It so sexy-seductive and brings me back to those dark moments of Blackout. I really hope on Blackout 2.0 (which in my world, will happen) that she will use her deeper voice in more tracks, as she did on this one. WERK IT

  • ewhite

    especially when she is inspired by a big bucket of grilled cheese!

  • Allison

    I’m listening to it for the first time, and honestly I like it a lot more than Big Fat Bass (which I never got into, despite fan pressure).

    It isn’t great, though. Although I’m loving Britney’s little accent – definitely my favorite part of the whole thing.

    But then again, it’s a Will.i.am song, so I didn’t really expect much.

  • Allison

    I’m listening to it for the first time, and honestly I like it a lot more than Big Fat Bass (which I never got into, despite fan pressure).

    It isn’t great, though. Although I’m loving Britney’s little accent – definitely my favorite part of the whole thing.

    But then again, it’s a Will.i.am song, so I didn’t really expect much.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Luke-Stammen/1431480235 Luke Stammen

    Why is Godney playin with this fool? It goes without saying that she is way to good to even stand in the same room as him.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Luke-Stammen/1431480235 Luke Stammen

    it sounds like he took his terrible Entertainment Tonight theme we have to deal with now and added some (wonderful) Britney lines that are way too good for this tired beat and fail.i.am’s robot voice.

  • http://davidsask.wordpress.com/ DavidSask

    You must be running out of women to throw shade on, but please don’t ever post negative, even if light for you,on Sophie Ellis Bextor. To put Sophie in your write-up with your daily Brit orgasm for you is not justified for many a reason!!!

  • terry

    That second gif is EVERYTHING.

  • http://twitter.com/JoshuaPingley Joshua Pingley

    It’s nice to at least have some form on new Britney in 2012, but this song is mediocre at best. I LOVE Britney’s opening bridge with the British accent, but other than that it’s a pretty lackluster track that will have a hard time being a smash hit. Will should have given Britney more parts, like maybe an actual verse or something.

  • http://twitter.com/ItsMoXiiE Moxiie

    #4 under “pros”. Dead.

  • clem

    Your review is on point, thank you for that! This song SUCKS except for Britney’s part obviously

  • x.i.o.vzla

    I still don’t know why, but I really really love the song… lol