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Girls Aloud: “Beautiful ‘Cause You Love Me” (Video Premiere)

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“Beautiful ‘Cause You Love Me” is, arguably, the worst song that Girls Aloud has ever recorded. Well, maybe not ever. Yes. It is. Girls Aloud doesn’t make bad music. This is just so not Aloud–it’s mind-bogglingly mediocre! It’s clearly just a Messy Little Raindrops castoff that Chezza decided to impose upon the band for her own sick pleasure.

All that being said, the video’s a BEAUT!

To film the video, the girls gutted the mansion from the Spice Girls‘ “Headlines (Friendship Never Ends)” video, grabbed a few Nikon cameras, and made themselves right at home.

Despite what she says, Cheryl doesn’t really eat the mascara tears she’s crooning about in the song. She sort of just stands there, looking like an angel.

Nuhdeen is busy luxuriating in a bath full of Irish Spring water, humming “Insatiable” to herself while she waits for a single that actually features her vocals.

And Kimba’s just–I don’t even know what she’s doing.

And then, there’s Queen Nicola: LOOK AT THIS RADIANT BEAUTY. Staring us all dead in the face singing those tender words: “Right now the whole world could call me…ugly.” WHO COULD EVER?! No one’s worthy.

But if this video’s about anything, it’s about the one thing that makes us all beautiful…

SELFIES!!11!!11!

Just look at how gracefully Sarah points that non-product-placement-Nikon at her flawless face (when she’s not clinging on for dear life against a wall). “I’m beautiful ’cause you love me”? It’s an allusion to Instagram! Like, people! Like, like, like those photos!

Oof, and that slow door-opening entrance shot of the fabulous five is a real stunner of a moment, isn’t it? It’s just like…WOOOOOSH: “YOU ARE NOW IN THE PRESENCE OF THE ALMIGHTY ALOUD.”

Really, they’ve all grown into such beautiful Women Aloud. I’m overwhelmed!

And so, that was the big ballad from Ten. Now, let’s go “On The Metro”–and I expect some serious mascara tears this time around.