alleyesonos

You know when it’s 2 in the morning and you’re home alone because no one invited you out which is just, like, whatever, so you decide to order a pizza for yourself while watching Crossroads and you’re all like, “Oh hi, I’d like a large cheese pizza with bacon, please,” because bacon is delicious and everything?

And then the pizza man/pizza lady/pizza person of non-specific gender is like “Well, sure! And you know what? Since they’re such popular toppings, we’re going to throw in pineapple, buffalo chicken, artichoke hearts and sardines too!”

And you’re like “I mean, thanks, but that’s not what I ordered. I’m only in it for the bacon. Surely I won’t even be able to taste the bacon underneath all that mess.”

And they’re like “Great! So your total is: BRING THE ACTION.

Welcome to the reality that is will.i.am and The Holy Spearit‘s newly announced, entirely undesired “Scream & Shout” remix, featuring Hit-Boy, Waka Flocka Flame, Diddy and Lil Wayne, coming soon to a radio station near you.

This isn’t the first time B’s been joined by her many close rapper friends, of course–SHAWWWTY, WE FINNA GO TO THE CLUB AND GET CRUNK WITH BRITNEY, HAYYYYY—but it is the first time she’s done it on a song she’s only on for about 10 seconds.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really not souped (REFERENCE): I love me some Urbanney, obviously. And yes, it’s great that Britney’s about to get even more exposure up in the club (the straight ones, that is), but what kind of damn mess is this going to sound like with so many features on one track with so little B? I want more Spearituality–not less!

The only thing that’ll salvage this circle jerk of egomaniacs is if we’re getting new vocals from Godney “I don’t listen to rap music” Spears. But if the “Till The World Ends” remix is any indication of her further participation on the track (“T-t-this is the remix“), I’m not exactly holding my breath.

But, whatever! #1 song in the world, and the new music’s got “a global sound,” which is fancy speak for “legendary.”

I’m not mad about anything.

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YOU ARE NOW, NOW ROCKIN’ WITH WILL.I.AM AND DIDDY AND LIL WAYNE AND WAKA FLOCKA FLAME AND HIT-BOY AND BRITNEY, BITCH.

GIF via RealityTVGIFs.

EDIT: It’s here and, lo and behold, it’s garbage.


  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001134657347 Patrick O’Brien

    You are hilarious!

  • http://twitter.com/lordemilius Emilio

    I absolutely love all your references. And ‘Godney “I don’t listen to rap music” Spears’… lmao.

  • Jeff Palmer

    I fear that a porno parody is inevitable of this mess.

  • Galli

    I don’t want to come off as racist but I wish Britney would collaborate with the Scandinavians for once instead of the blacks.

  • Arte

    The remix already leaked

  • anon

    Prayer circle that this ratchet mess results in Britney making it up to us by dancing and looking Urbanney like in the Outrageous video. FUCKING WILL.I.AM WHAT ARE YOU NOT GETTING THAT PEOPLE ARE ONLY HERE FOR BRITNEY.

  • Galli

    Do you think Britney listened to the “motherfucking remix” and thought her fans would adore it? Did she really think this is what we want to hear? Many of her fans are gay boys who have been alienated by the hip hop genre for decades.

    I want to understand Britney’s mentality taking part in this horrible project. God knows the majority of her fans gravitate to her because she offered an alternative to this kind of genre. Is she going to throw her gay boys under the bus for the ghetto boys?

    DON’T GO TO THE DARK SIDE BRITNEY!

  • Gabe

    yeah but this isn’t britneys song idiots.

  • BritneyLover

    that picture+pizza metaphor are HILARIOUS!!!!! LMAOOO!

  • Matt 25

    Ok, we’ve got the Remix! Im I the only one that think that this remix sucks! I mean, it’s sow boring, sow normal-nothing new- type remix. What could be worst? Less Britney parts and you got it, Brit sings like for 10 sec through the whole 6 minutes song- this is just FLOP

  • Anon

    Honestly what a retarded thing to say. I’m a huge fan of Britney and gay and I love hip-hop and when she does urban songs. I think the remix is really good and definitely different and what she needs. Saying something like that is ignorant as hell and your own preference, not Britney’s or her fans. She’s done a lot of songs and hip-hop remixes with rappers before and loves doing urban songs..her best albums were heavily inspired by hip-hop (In the Zone and Blackout). Where were you when she did Boom Boom with Ying Yang Twins, Break the Ice remix with Fabolous, Outrageous with R. Kelly, etc? Speak for yourself but don’t put her fans in that lame category or say anyone gay is ‘alienated’ by another genre that Britney’s done alot of before. Can’t wait for more urban songs like this on the next album.