February 7, 2013
Sweet Moo-sic: On Music, Milk and the Minogues
Last month, news broke that Queen Kylie had split with her longtime manager, Terry Blamey.
The story led to a flurry of terrible rumors that she was ditching the music scene for good, causing fans worldwide to clutch their copies of Impossible Princess and a pair of hot pants, duck under a table and hum “Step Back In Time” until the pain slowly dulled to a manageable ache.
Well, guess what? She isn’t retiring. She was just on the prowl for new management–until now.
After sacrificing a Barbadian goat to high priestess Rihanna and taking a blood oath for her Lord Jay-Z, Queen Kylie has officially inked a management deal with Roc Nation.
The disco diva’s move into Hova’s Illuminati turf surprised some, especially considering her sequin, feather and glistening half-naked men brand of camp doesn’t exactly scream “I’m labelmates with J. Cole!” But, as Robbie pointed out on Idolator, Kylie’s certainly no stranger to the more urban side of things. I mean, hello: “Red Blooded Woman.”
Besides, at what point was the glittering synth-pop shtick going to run a little stale? Aphrodite is the apex–’twas time for a stylistic change.
So, what’s in store? A RiRi-Kylie duet? Proper American distribution and promotion? The new single is coming “soon,” so let us all bow our heads and pray for a sweet, sophisticated follow-up to 2003’s R&B-infused Body Language.
Praise the New World Order, or whatever!
Of course, Kylie’s not the only Minogue making moves: Queen Dannii‘s been busy inking her own deal–with milk.
But not just any milk! It’s A2 milk, a special milk that “contains the A2 type of β-casein protein rather than the more prevalent A1 protein.” What does that mean? The fuck if I know! Dannii said that the milk has “ended years of dietary upset” in her personal life. (Fans will remember Dannii’s public struggle with milk from her lesser-known 2003 hit, “I Begin to Chunder.”)
Today, the “Love & Kisses” chanteuse premiered the udderly stunning A2 milk advertisement, in which the Queen of Clubs dishes out some dairy-filled details, hops on a trampoline and jumps to the beat (JUMP!), finally free of the crippling effects of milk on her body. A2 Milk clearly does wonders for the stomach and the skin, because there’s not a single flaw to be found anywhere on the Neon Nights goddess.
With any luck, Dannii’s newfound intestinal stability will lead her out of the loo and straight into a studio to record a Club Disco follow-up at once.
Sisters are milking it for themselves!