Kelly Rowland’s “Kisses Down Low” Video Features No Actual Kisses Down Low (But Buy It on iTunes)


Here’s the thing: I fucking love me some Kelly Rowland “Kisses Down Low.”

I sing it in the shower. I sing it in the rain. I sing it all the livelong day. When I’m making myself a bologna and cheese sandwich, I murmur “Mike WiLL made it” after every bite. And when I’m eating my bowl of Lucky Charms at night, I’m crooning “give it to me slow, baby just like that” to each individual marshmallow.

Obviously, then, my expectations were rather high for Miss Kelly’s accompanying visual to her Mike WiLL Made It masterpiece. So when it finally dropped today, and I watched the video in all of its glossy technicolor glory…I was let down. In fact, my back didn’t even slightly arch.

Why? Well, it’s too cutesy! Wig and eyeshadow playtime is fun and all (for Katy Perry fans, I guess)–but this is K. Row, y’all! The ferocious Super Bowl showstealer! (Well, Michelle Williams was the true Queen of the Night, but Kelly’s entrance made Bey briefly look Bey-sic.) I mean, Kelly Rowland, the hottest dressed woman at 2013 Grammys with the body that had me seriously considering switching teams for, like, 10 whole seconds!

Instead, we got some glossy Kidz Bop dress-up shit. (And don’t get me started on the fact that all the wig-juggling reminded me of Miss Keri Baby‘s “Pretty Girl Rock.” Yeah, I said it.)

Yes, she still looks bomb. Fiya hot. And yes, the body still looks tight and right. But c’mon–it’s a boner jam!

Is it so wrong of me to want to see her in “Motivation” mode? What’s with these bright rainbow colors? A swing? HEARTS?! While I didn’t actually anticipate any onscreen tongue play, I also didn’t expect the video for an ode to cunnilingus to look so…Lisa Frank.

Then again it doesn’t matter. It’s Kelendria, and she remains a Rowlegend.

So remember, in case you forgot: “Kisses Down Low” is on iTunes. If you don’t support it, you’re dead to Kelly, and you’re dead to me. And Michelle hates you too. #BuyKissesDownLowOniTunes

“Kisses Down Low” was released on February 1. (iTunes)