March 25, 2013
Godney, Moses and Pharaoh Scherzy Baby: The Story of Passover (Sort Of)
Many years ago, a pop-loving man named Joseph moved with his family to a land far, far away called Club Banger Nation, ruled by a mighty king named Scherzy Baby.
As the years went on, the pop lovers grew more numerous, fruitfully multiplying and stanning for flops, lessors and legends alike: The Rihanna Navy, the BeyHive, the KatyCats, the Little Monsters, the Heartbeats, the Fighters, the LOVE?rs, the Amber Rosebuds, the Kerli Fries, the Alexandra Stans, and the Chosen People, the Followers of Godney–all living together in harmony.
Looking upon the land and fearing the increasing number of stans, the evil Pharaoh decided to avoid an uprising by turning all the loyal pop fanatics into Slaves 4 U, resulting in years of Oppressionney in which the stans were forced to build gigantic monuments to false idols, including the Her Name Is Nicole Pre-Sale Sphinx and the “Pretty” on iTunes Pyramids.
Let’s fast forward the story a bit: Baby Moses was born, river, found by the Pharoah’s daughter, murders the guard, desert, Buy “Kisses Down Low” on iTunes, burning bush–OKAY, YES, THIS PART.
While tending to some sheep or whatever, Moses happened upon a bush burning so fire hot, a 20 out of 10. “Godney?” he stammered. And from the bush, the Almighty Godney appeared in her Onyx Hotel Tour “Everytime” fairy nymph garb, commanding him to scream, shout and let all the loyal pop stans of Club Banger Nation out.
“But how?” he quivered while bowing down. “Don’t worry…I got you on my radar,” Godney assured.
And so, the next day, Moses went to the nefarious ruler and declared: “King Scherzy Baby, Let my people go, y’all!” Scherzy Baby waited a minute and loosened up her buttons: “Don’t hold your breath,” she finally cackled.
Hearing Scherzy’s rejection from above, Godney grew enraged. “Don’t keep me waiting!” she bellowed, unleashing the 10 Deadly Plagues upon the people of Club Banger Nation one by one, including…
WATER TO BLOOD!
AND DEATH OF THE FIRSTBORN!
It took 10 terrible, awful plagues until the Evil Pharaoh at last gave up, throwing up her hands and shouting “YOU’RE TROUBLE FOR ME!”, pointing toward the Taylor Swift Red Sea and commanding defeatedly: “Right there, keep it right there.”
The stans all over the land made a break for it immediately: The Barbz clutched their wigs and ran, the Fighters gathered their tubes of Blu-Red lipstick, the C-Squad twerked their way toward the horizon and the Followers of Godney threw on their pink little baby tees, hopped in their pink Louis Vuitton Hummers and kept on driving till the world ends.
But after seeing them flee, Scherzy immediately regretted her decision, much like the release of “Puakenikeni”: “You know I’m gonna come back just like a boomerang!” she cried. And so, she sent out her mighty fleet of #KillerLovers to chase the exiled pop stans.
As the followers of Godney drove off into the sunset, Moses looked back behind his shoulder, and he couldn’t believe his eyes. Did he need some hypnotherapy? The #KillerLovers were gaining on them–and fast! When the stans arrived at the Taylor Swift Red Sea, they were cornered, and there was nowhere to go: The Animals were already doggy paddling into the distance, the KatyCats were using their breasts as floatation devices, the Havanastanas floated on their big banana boats and, futher in the distance, the Miss Keri’d Baby stans were paddling away in their slowly capsizing Keri Ferry.
Looking down while sipping some sweet tea, Godney saw that her people were still cornered, and she knew what she had to do: In one mighty swoop, She parted the sea and allowed the loyal stans to walk on by.
But as the #KillerLovers attempted to cross, Godney turned that shit up one more time and made the water crash back inward, drowning them all immediately. “Oops…I did it again,” She giggled.
Each year, we pop stans look back at the hardships of our people and reflect on the mighty reckoning of Godney. It is the holiday in which we eat unleavened bread to remind ourselves of the sins of Billboard which led to Blackout‘s inability to rise to #1 in 2007, and when we eat gefilte because we’re all a little sailfish.