LEGENDTINA NEWS NETWORK (Las Vegas, NV) — Two weeks after the iconic, peace-bringing Voice finale performance that President Obama has described as “more important for the vitality of our nation than free national healthcare,” Legendtina Maria Nina Desnudate Goduilera and fan Lady Aphrodite Seashell Bikini “Stefani” Gaga will release a studio version of their “Do What U Want” duet on Amazon at midnight.
“You know, I wasn’t going to do it at first because of my demanding schedule,” Legendtina revealed to us in an Excluusive sit-down interview alongside Gaga, pausing to apply a fresh coat of Blu-Red LipSense to her lips.
“I was home for the holidays last week, feeling festive with Baby Max. We were baking some Ain’t No Other Gingerbread Men and stringing lotuses on the tree, and I just felt like I needed a creative outlet. So I went into my in-home recording studio, and I just—” Legendtina suddenly stood up and placed a finger in her ear. “DURHWHURCHURHAAHHHHHHLADYGAGA!” she belted, causing a light fixture in our studio to fall. “I had to.”
The journey leading up to the release proved to be an exciting creative challenge — even down to the artwork.
In fact, there were several early versions of the “Do What U Want” single art that we can Excluusively reveal on MuuMuse:
“We shot this one with my dear friend, Terry Richardson. When I first saw the image, I cried,” Gaga revealed, taking off her micro-chip ARTPOP promotional sunglasses and weeping at the memory of the initial weeping. “As a cultural ambassador for the youth, I wanted something that symbolized unity, the needlessness of dope, sisterhood, the art of buying ‘Applause’ on iTunes and the end of cyber-bullying. Ultimately though, the image was just too beautiful for me to use.”
Legendtina, on the other hand, brought elegance and glam with her vision.
“This was my original concept,” Legendtina revealed. The photo, however, was boycotted by the church. “Sadly, as with much of my forward-thinking work, the Vatican stepped in and tried to put an end to my creative vision. Pope Francis, ever the Bobblehead, felt I resembled the Virgin Mary ‘too closely’ for my own good, which would result in a mass conversion to Bionicism. HA! Usually I’d tell him to spin around in circles on my middle finger, but I decided to play nice — you know, in the spirit of the season.”
The two ended up settling on a still taken from their performance, focusing instead on distribution tactics. The “Do What U Want” remix is different in that it will be released on AmazonMP3 first — a change from the iTunes standard. “Well,” Legendtina explained to us of the choice, “as Gaga demonstrated with her album Bored This Way back in 2011, we wanted to show our appreciation to the true lovers of 99 cent discount sales.”
“It’s true,” Gaga agreed. “Throughout my entire career, I’ve always felt that the way in which we consume music is shifting rapidly. It’s become a Reverse Warholian Billboard Expedition. I think it’s terrible how much emphasis we as a society put on chart positions and sales. I certainly don’t care about charts. I write for the music and I live for the applause, plause. So when someone in the Haus told me that we were trending worldwide on Twitter, I said ‘SOMEONE CALL R. KELLY AND GIVE THAT FUCKER THE BAD NEWS — WE’RE PUTTING THIS BITCH ON THE RECORD INSTEAD!'”
The release is not without a good cause: “Do What U Want” is, in fact, a charity single. 100% of the proceeds from the release will be distributed between the BBC (Buy Bionic Coalition), the Swine Hilton Foundation, an organization dedicated to placing the websites of irrelevant gossip bloggers for sale on GoDaddy, and the #LotusPop Foundation, a youth service dedicated to supplying deluxe 2-CD bundles of ARTPOP and Lotus to #LotusPromo and #ARTPOPPromo-impoverished cities around the nation.
The move is now being tipped by Billboard industry insiders as “more unexpected, sonically superior and forward-thinking than that new Beyoncé album,” and has since inspired dozens of artists to settle their differences: Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj are reportedly in talks to record a collection of jazz standards, Nicole Scherzinger was photographed in a London dance studio rehearsing to Pussycat Doll classics, and Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, long considered rivals, are squashing the beef for an upcoming EDM-meets-urban club pop self-empowerment anthem called “Luvs It (Hot).”
Asked if they had any final thoughts to share with fans before the New Year, Legendtina and Gaga joined hands and announced simultaneously: “You’re welcome.”
SEE YOU IN 2014, BITCHES.
Legendtina is an ongoing fan-fiction series…and if you don’t like it, fuck you.