LEGENDTINA NEWS NETWORK (London, England) — GRAMMY Award-winning chanteuse, LGBT activist and modern society’s more talented and attractive answer to Jesus Christ, Legendtina Maria Nina Desnudate Goduilera, is currently being held under close watch in the Bionic Care Wing of Legendtina’s Lair following what is now being considered the most ruthless shade attack since The New York Times Incident of ’13.
During a visit to Global Radio’s Classic FM in London with Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, Prince Charles “admitted that he had ‘no idea’ who pop singer Christina Aguilera was” while in the studio listening to classical music — the latest stinging British attack against Legendtina’s advanced career ever since Bionic broke the record for largest single weekly decline for a number-one album in the UK chart’s history.
From Daily Mail:
Upstairs it was a very different matter as he met Heart FM’s Toby Anstis, however. Politely asking what was currently playing to the station’s seven million listeners, he was told it was U.S. superstar Christina Aguilera – a revelation which left the prince utterly blank faced.
The Mi Reflejo songstress was discovered lying facedown on the keyboard of her 1996 IBM in her boudoir, apparently attempting to use Google Maps to search for the directions to Buckingham Palace in a frustrated rage. She is now in critical condition.
“We’ve been giving her Red Hot Kinda Electroshock Therapy, as well as some sonic revitalization techniques which involve 24-hour listening sessions of ‘Lotus Intro’,” the Bionic Care doctors explained to the LNN. “We have also reminded her to say something, ’cause we’re giving up on her.”
Prior to the stress-induced incident, the “F.U.S.S.” icon left a frenzied message on the LNN’s voicemail demanding privacy from her fans, and encouraging Prince Charles to take a break from his “shitty classical music” and focus instead on “becoming a true lover of music.” She also suggested visiting the Royal Family at their “dumpy” palace for an intimate charitable performance of some of her seminal classics.
“Let us not forget who owns the throne,” she whimpered before the call ended. We will have more as this story develops.
Legendtina is an ongoing fan-fiction series…and if you don’t like it, fuck you.