It’s time to cover the final (!) round of X Factor auditions–and they were janky as fuck, y’all!
For the past two days (with one still to come), Godney, Demi, L.A. and Simon have been holed up in Greensboro, North Carolina listening to basics butcher the classics. But unlike the stunning fan photos from the other city arrivals, the Greensboro auditions appear to be serving all the glitz and glamour of the lobby of a local Red Roof Inn.
Seriously: What is that carpet? That tacky ceiling? So low budge. You should have just stayed in Maui, B!
As a result, the Holy Spearit wasn’t really feelin’ it. In fact, judging by the quotes filling up The X Factor Twitter feed, she’s been opening up her 2007 umbrella and offering just about as much shade as possible.
Whether because the talent was truly sub-par, or simply because they’re all in North Carolina (as a known LGBT warrior, Godney is no doubt still fuming about the recent same-sex marriage ban)–Brit Brit remained staunchly unamused. “I don’t know if it was the song but I wasn’t feeling it,” she told one contestant. “There was some confusion…you were off key,” she told another who sang “Tik Tok.”
But by far, the most unbelievably legendary critique of the entire auditions was this:
Contestant: “Britney, I love you. Circus was my life for two years.”
Britney: “No.”
DREAM CRUSHERNEY.
However, our flawless Commander in Chiefney did manage to find herself one contestant she truly loved.
During one audition, a contestant broke into Vanilla Ice‘s “Ice Ice Baby.” Our Lady Spears got so into the groove that she got a plan (get naked), invoked the Inner Spearit and began breaking the ice (all while looking hot as ice.)
There was ample shoulder shimmying, intricate handography–at one point, I almost thought she was about to jump on the table and break into this. Luckily, it was all caught on camera. Watch and whimper from sheer unworthiness:
The following can be deduced from the holy dance:
+ “Ice Ice Baby” is a new LGBT anthem, praise be to Godney.
+ Vanilla Ice just became relevant for 5 more minutes, praise be to Godney.
+ The packaged ice industry will see an approximate 5,000% sales increase in the next week, praise be to Godney.
Really though, B just seems to be loving the rappers during this season. Even though she claims not to know a thing about rap, we all know she’s a little li-yah (REFERENCE!) Apart from a feature on that flop of a rap album by The Ex Who Shall Not Be Named, she also cut her very own rap track for Punk’d back in the day, “It Feels Nice.” (“I’m Britney Spears and I’m shakin’ mah ass!”) And…hello, “Pull It”? 45, locked and loaded–that’s how you give it to me! She quite literally has more rap cred than Nicki Minaj.
And so, following the last two tapings tomorrow, Greensboro officially concludes the X Factor auditions.
Wait. It’s over already? So, like…no new Britney photos every week? Or quotes? Or videos? I. Err, well. I’m, uh…I’m not sure I’m emotionally prepared for this. Withdrawal pangs! STRONG BRADLEY. STRONG BRADLEY.
SOMEONE FETCH ME MY STAGES DVD AND LIGHT ME A HOLY SPEARIT VANILLA CANDLE, STAT.
In the downtime between the Providence and Greensboro X Factor auditions, Britney, Jason and the little munchkins decided to hop a plane and go on a little getaway to Hawaii for the week. (Whether or not she plans to re-stage the entire Crazy 2K Tour performances from the Live And More! DVD at Waikiki Beach is still to be determined.)
Earlier today, Our Queen tweeted a photo of herself and the kids getting ready to go swimming and…oh my GODNEY, y’all.
Either she’s been doing a whole lot of Twister Dance or all that walking to the judge’s table at the X Factor auditions is actually a serious workout, because our Queen’s body is on another LEVEL. Tan, toned and sexy–hay, Slaveney abs!–and a mommy of two in that purple bikini? Please, call me when your faves could!
When Britney Spears is within a two-hour radius of your home, you sit down (in your car), shut the fuck up, and drive to wherever she is. And so, last week, I stopped my entire life to head over to two of the three X Factor audition days in Providence to see my Queen.
By the time I arrived outside the venue at around 10 AM on Wednesday, there were already about 50 people waiting in line. While I knew that it’d be a while until I saw any form of sustenance again, I don’t think I quite prepared for a 3-hour wait in 90-degree weather–nor the sheer amount of One Direction being played. (I still can’t tell which caused the hives.)
Every single Britney Spears performance is iconic. We know this already. It is a basic truth of life, inscribed in the Old Testament. Somewhere. (Or so I’ve been told–I haven’t personally verified that.)
This truth extends down to even her earliest major performances in history, including The Mickey Mouse Club. Yes, her early Disney days–a magical time in which Britney sang and danced alongside future flame Justin Timberlake and future Bionic frenemy, Legendtina.
Earlier this evening, one particular Mickey Mouse Club performance was brought to my attention that I, even as the Almighty Britney Stan that I am, had never seen before. And I can safely say: The game has just been changed.
Almost twenty years ago, The Holy Spearit was dancing on The Disney Channel to Bizarre Inc‘s early ’90′s House anthem, “I’m Gonna Get You.” And not just dancing–VOGUING. That’s right: The Emancipation of VOGUENEY.
Evidently Britney snuck into a showing of Paris Is Burning with JT and caught a peek of the video for Madonna‘s “Vogue” on MTV, because this is the kind of ballroom extravaganza that would have the House of LaBeija knocking on her door in Kentwood. (Don’t, go, knock on my door…)
I mean…the sheer glamour of it all! The flaw-free ballet twirls! The newsprint suspenders! O-P-U-L-E-N-C-E-NEY!
Fact: This performance so unbelievably ahead of its time that Lady Gaga is just now in the early planning stages for shamelessly integrating this routine into her newly renamed tour, The Mickey Mouse Club Ball.
(Also, this performance clearly inspired the early ’90′s Inner City sound of “Up N’ Down” off of Femme Fatale–yet another example of Nostradamusney at work.)
But who’s surprised? Godney has always been ten steps ahead of the game.
COME ON, VOGUENEY.
Another day, another drama–and another flaw-free weekend of X Factor auditions as judged by The Holy Spearit!
This past weekend, Godney arrived/descended down to Earth on a chariot made of platinum records for the San Francisco X Factor auditions, serving 2008 VMAs curly tresses realness, a glittering nude mini-dress shirt thing that made the boobies look amazing, and glasses. But she didn’t just bring her reading glasses–she brought her reading glasses:
“I like the color of your shirt, but I’m gonna have to say no.”
“I liked your bow at the end… and that’s it.”
“I don’t wanna judge you or anything, but I’m a judge, so…I’m sorry sweetie, it’s a no.”
BOOM. At one point, Godney became Doctorney, telling one contestant: “I feel like there’s this wall between us, and you need to learn how to break it down.” She also apparently became Guidance Counselorney, telling one contestant that he looked like he should play tennis. He was last seen shopping for rackets at Dick’s Sporting Goods.
Britney wasn’t all strict, however. “You have a lot of fire and a lot of spunk,” she said during one critique. During another, she gave a Standing O and said “I thought it was magnificento!” Magnificento. Is that a word? BECAUSE IT IS NOW. Or maybe it’s the title of her upcoming eighth studio album? Is she dropping hints?! To the message boards!
But mostly, Britney was just busy being a legend. According to a friend in the audience, Queen B even waved her hands and stopped a contestant from butchering the late Whitney Houston‘s “I Have Nothing” at one point with the sweetest, most iconic line of sass that has ever left her lips:
“You can’t ruin that song, sweetie.”
BYE, MY ENTIRE LIFE.
But nothing made waves quite as much as an audition on Sunday night, when Don Philip. the back-up singer who once did a duet with Queen B on the flaw-free “I Will Still Love You” off of …Baby One More Time over 10 years ago, came out–quite literally–onstage. Britney remembered him, and then he began shaking and crying, and then he came out as a gay (OH, GET IN LINE), and then he sang terribly and didn’t go through to the next round.
From People:
When a male contestant stepped onto the stage at the Oracle Arena, “You could see that Britney recognized him straight away,” a source tells PEOPLE. “She got this huge smile on her face and her eyes lit up. It was so sweet.”
“I know him,” said Britney, who was sitting on the panel with Simon Cowell, L.A. Reid and Demi Lovato. “We did a duet together 10 years ago.”
When the singer started to cry and told the judges and the audience, “I’m gay,” the audition became emotionally charged. “At the time I didn’t think I was worthy,” he told Britney. “I didn’t think you thought it was okay that I am gay.”
Britney was nothing but supportive. “I think it is fine you are gay,” she said.
“When he started crying and saying he thought he’d never see her again and that he’d had a lot to deal with, Britney was comforting him to calm him,” the source says.
You can hear the completely awkward, uncomfortable exchange here if you’d like, but it’s painful and weird. Obviously Don flew into full-on stan mode in the presence of the Spearit, but fans–you’ve got to understand: You cannot keep scaring the shit out of her. This is why we can’t have nice things. (Also, if you’re going to audition in front of her, maybe sing…better.)
In conclusion:
• Britney is a LGBT Warrior.
• “I think it is fine you are gay” is the new “Gay is Okay.”
• Britney is an early gay rights pioneer for doing a duet with a gay man on her debut album.
• Give her some reading glasses and she’ll shade you faster than Latrice Royale.
• Born This Way who?
Happy Pride!
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