CALL ALL YOUR FRIENDS, CO-WORKERS AND LOVED ONES AND TELL THEM YOU’RE DEAD BECAUSE YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE AFTER WATCHING THIS.

Here’s the thing: If you took Beyonce‘s “Crazy In Love,” Kylie‘s “Red Blooded Woman,” the Pussycat Dolls‘ “Don’t Cha” and threw them all into a neon-colored bucket of flawlessness and harem pants, you’d have the Anthony Mandler-directed clip for Cheryl‘s “Call My Name.”

Now then, let’s break this down.

THE SHEER ARTISTRY OF IT ALL.

Evidently Chezza’s been thumbing through titles in the Criterion Collection lately or something, because she’s kicking off the video with a mind-blowing, completely unrelated one-minute intro of pure HIGH. ART.

A chopped ‘n’ screwed instrumental! A Marquis de Sade quote about torment! What torment? I have literally no idea what she’s referring to, aside from dancing in heels maybe or memories of Sarah’s bum note. It’s a Calvin Harris song about some guy that makes you get all tingly inside when he says your name, Cheryl! But that doesn’t even matter, because EVERYTHING ABOUT IT IS STILL AMAZING.

HERE COMES THE SHOWDOWN.

Okay, nothing really ‘happens’ in this video per se (drop your complaints in the suggestion box by the door, which I will never read/set on fire)–EXCEPT for a mini-showdown with some dudes with cars. And what happens when she sashays over to pick a fight?

Well, exactly what would happen in real life when a group of menacing men surround a girl all alone in an abandoned lot…

THEY DANCE UNTIL THE SUN GOES DOWN.

The dancing! Oh my dear baby Jesus on the stairs…the dancing! So much shuffling to be had–so many breast pops, butt thrusts and delicious hand motions! She nails it. Kills it. Slays it. Murders it. Pins it down and stuffs a piping hot Nadine’s Irish Mist Burger RIGHT in its face.

Also, I was overjoyed to see Chezza engaging in the art of interpretive dance by putting a hand up to her mouth and quite literally CALLING HER NAME. Effective, evocative and illustrative.

I especially loved that furious sort of pound-the-alarming that happens. It reminds me of the 2010 BRIT Awards performance of “Fight For This Love,” when “Show Me Love” popped in out of nowhere and Cheryl just started kicking the SHIT out of the air, looking like a possessed pop boxing champion goddess.

There is no doubt that every live performance of this song will literally end careers.

GET SEXY RIGHT NAW!

Cheryl is The Most Gorgeous Woman on Earth (aside from Britney, but let’s not bring religion into this). This video helps to support that theory. The glamour shots against the mirror, that evening drive to go writhe against a metal beam or whatever–that was all très sexy! I mean…DAT ASS! I am aroused and confused! (Arfused?)

But the back bend against the wall itself is kind of all the video needed to be, right? The perfect curvature, the divine execution? It’s the kind of flaw-free back bend that I can assure you will cause me to slip a disc when I attempt to reenact it outside a club at 3 AM somewhere in the Lower East Side.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to continue gently rocking and sobbing in the corner with my Girls Aloud Singles Collection box tin tightly cradled in my arms…

2012: YEAR OF THE CHERYL.

“Call My Name” will be released on June 10 in the UK. (iTunes UK)

Thanks to Crichlowed and Don’t You Change for the GIFs!

While you were sitting at home reorganizing your Girls Aloud singles collection in reverse chronological order to help pass the time between now and their impending reunion, Queen Cheryl Cole spent the past weekend in L.A. shooting the video for her upcoming dance floor (soon to be) anthem, “Call My Name.”

The clip for the song was directed by Anthony Mandler, who’s perhaps most famous for his frequent collabos with Rihanna, including “Only Girl (In The World)” and “Man Down.”

As one might gather from these on-set images (there’s about a million more right here), Cheryl’s looking seriously sick. Not like malaria sick, but rather “Oh, okay, so like…I’m straight now” sick. Like, bangin’ bod. Fierce hair. Fresh style. Like, OHMYGOD.

The drop dead gorgeous “Promise This” songstress tweeted out a few teaser lyrics after declaring the video a wrap earlier today: “Its a WRAP!! How d’ya think I feel when you Call My Name ??.. #saymynamebaby.” Rumor has it the single drops officially on April 20 on BBC Radio, but who knows? These things have a tendency to premiere unexpectedly earlier…

Between the behind-the-scenes shots of the video and the names attached to this project, it’s looking more and more likely that 2012 might actually be The Year of the Cole.

Prepare your body accordingly.

Rum, pum pum pum…

Princess RiRi took to Twitter earlier this morning to unveil the cover art for “Man Down,” the fifth single off of the Bajan beauty’s 2010 album, LOUD. The song will be released in conjunction with the sixth single from the album, “California King Bed.”

The pop princess shot the video for “Man Down” in Jamaica only one week ago with longtime collaborator Anthony Mandler, responsible for such perfection as “Disturbia,” “Only Girl (In The World),” and the stunningly gorgeous “California King Bed,” which premiered earlier this week.

Rihanna Reign Check: Not letting up.

That Mandler‘s gone and done it again: The director and longtime collaborator for Rihanna (“Unfaithful”; “Disturbia”; “Russian Roulette”) has added yet another solid production to the ever-expanding RiRepetoire.

Although the song’s pumping Euro-beats might have suggested we’d be getting something with a bit more of a crunch, it’s so nice to watch the pop princess get all cutesy with herself. After all, she’s such a fuckin’ lady.

Instead, the video for “Only Girl (In The World)” shines in its simplicity. Thanks to the warm, muted color palette that’s come to define Mandler’s work, RiRi blossoms amongst the flowers and leaves, bringing to mind the nature-inspired album art for Goldfrapp‘s Seventh Tree campaign.

Aside from the video’s stunning photo-finish complete with fireworks and lanterns (a bit of a Kelis nod, yes?), the best moment comes ’round the 2:15 mark, where the singer lets loose on top of a mountain ledge and howls the song’s almighty chorus into the wind. Simple, gorgeous, effective…

Perfection.

Rihanna just tweeted a sneak peek pic from the video for “Only Girl (In The World).”

Doesn’t look too Mandler-esque, does it?

I wonder if this video is my Bajan beauty’s way of coming out as a looner. Guess we’ll find out.

P.S. I think I’m the only boy (in the world) who’s still okay with red-locked RiRi. I just am!

Like the Maggie Griffin to my Kathy, my mother is slowly but surely beginning to leech off of my hard earned e-celebrity status and steal away my beloved Muusers with her MamaMuuse review posts.

Nonetheless, I’ve allowed for another installment of MamaMuuse Presents.

Below is my mother’s actual e-mail response upon watching the Anthony Mandler-directed video for Christina Aguilera‘s latest single, “You Lost Me”:

Christina’s bitch factor went through the roof with the video you sent me the other day ["Not Myself Tonight"], so I have to admit I just plain don’t like her.

Although bitchiness is usually a trait I can relate to and respect, I still think of her as the slutty, dirty girl. And quite frankly, bitchiness without class is just bitterness. So how do I feel about the video? Meh. Or make that meh-a-meh-a-meh-a-meh-a-meh.

As always, her voice is flawless, but the song doesn’t really do it for me. The video itself started out as a Sealy Posturepedic ad and moved to the headless, faceless body of a man with more going on than The Situation. I guess I can see why she pushed him away – she’s got Jordan Bratman, that heaping helping of beefcake, waiting for her at home.

On the plus side – I love her new look (even if someone took advantage of Restylene’s Buy One Get One Free special). Now that, Christina, is the right way to be a bitch!

Now please, stop encouraging her. The fame is clearly getting to her head.

Oh, what? You want my opinion?

It’s nice. I think she looks quite gorgeous. Shame about those brief ‘thermal energy’ moments at the beginning, though.

Today has simply been Rihannoir overload.

Tonight, we’ve got the Anthony Mandler-directed video for “Russian Roulette,” a murderous blend of modern noir, seduction, and a whole lot of gun play.

I am in L-O-V-E with the video. Everything about it–from the concept, to the cinematography, to the execution (literal and otherwise!)–is right on target. Can she do no wrong with this album campaign?

All in favor of letting Mandler direct the rest of RiRi’s videos, say “Ella-ella-ay-ay.”

I’ve decided Amerie‘s new video for “Heard ‘Em All,” directed by Anthony Mandler, borders on sheer brilliance.

If I were merely talking adjectives, I would use such terms as ‘ill,’ ‘fierce,’ ‘raw,’ ‘hot,’ ‘sexy,’ ‘Ciara-esque,’ ‘Matrix-like,’ and ‘really great dancey bits.’

You know why? Because I’m rooting for her. Not as much as I want my icy-electro hip-hop queen Cassie to make a comeback, but hey…I think she deserves another shot.

Keep doin’ whatcha doin’, Amerie.

Purchase “Heard Em’ All on iTunes | MySpace | Official Website

Honestly, I’m quite angry with the entire Utada project at this point.

You’d think: With Anthony Mandler as the producer, an apparent increase in funding for the project (aside from the newly released album cover which I will NOT be addressing in the interest of inexpressible frustration), as well as a general peaked interest in her re-debut as an international artist seeking to branch out…why not go ahead and put a little more artistic effort into it this time around?

Here we have one of Utada Hikaru’s most visually stunning (gorgeous!) cinematographic efforts in her entire collection, and yet it falls flat on the ground. Why? Because aside from a few key dress changes and an assortment of longing, over-the-shoulder soap opera glances, literally nothing happens in this video.

NOTHING. Anything could have been more interesting than this concept. Even “Easy Breezy” was miles ahead of this one in terms of storytelling!

It’s hard to believe that after such a long wait, this is the actual video. Boring, boring, boring…What a complete disappointment!

And yes, this is coming from a massive fan. It’s only out of love, Hikki. You can do better!