AND THUS, THE ALMIGHTY LLOYD DID SO PROCLAIMETH: “THOU SHALT NOT BE A SWAGGER JAGGER.”

After months of waiting since her untimely cast-off from X Factor UK in December, legendary 17-year-old swaggerific sensation Cher Lloyd returns to the forefront with the debut single from her upcoming album, “Swagger Jagger.”

The song, which is said to be produced by The Runners and due for release next week (June 20), leaked in full early Wednesday morning.

“Swagger Jagger” is a bananas o’clock production–as frantic and scattered as her mentor Cheryl Cole‘s “Promise This,” but with a bossier Black Eyed Peas-esque beat.

The dizzying smorgasbord of sound mixes together rave-tastic synthesizers, references to Twitter (“you can’t stop clickin’ at me, writing ’bout me, tweetin’ ’bout me!”), spacey trance beats, a boatload of shout-outs to ‘haters,’ and an utterly insane interpolation of “Oh My Darling, Clementine” in the chorus–and that’s only in the first minute!

While the song may be a lot to process upon first listen, give it a few more spins: It’s that bossy ‘tude and nasty flow that makes this one a Lloyd classic for the ages. Are you ready to get on the flaw with The Almighty Lloyd?

MY SWAGGA’S IN CHECK. IS YOURS? BYE HATERS!!!

The bitch is back and better than ever.

- Britney Spears, to V Magazine.

In a brand new teaser story from E! News, the news outlet revealed that the much anticipated Mario Testino shoot will be featured in the upcoming Star Power Issue of V Magazine.

The story goes on to reveal that Britney’s been bumping the Black Eyed Peas and Christina Aguilera‘s “Woohoo (feat. Nicki Minaj)” (AMAZING), and that she enjoys cooking with her boys.

And, oh yes, she really did say the quote above. Are you ready for what’s next?

The issue will hit newsstands on March 3.

In a somewhat booze-inspired rant on Twitter tonight, William Orbit revealed that his contribution to Britney‘s Femme Fatale will not make the final tracklisting of the album.

Here are his words in full, minus a few extraneous tweets and/or replies:

the Britney thing. Look, I went to a writing camp at Teresa’s. Had lovely time. Word got out. Assumptions were made. Dr Luke is exec prod and he locks in locks out whoever he likes. And (do i hear u ask) where B’s at in all this? I surely don’t know. did a song w Klas Ahlund, who wrote ‘Piece of Me’. And is killa. But not on FF apparently. But a good song is a good song regardless. gotta say, to me, a tru singa just wants 2 sing all the time. But some are only up for it till their mojo cranks out. some things are of the moment. And a few months beyond. And some r forever. U know that in your heart. see blank looks, then years later, the kudos. All means nuthin. We’ll see what we we’ll see. So if u’all could ease up on the Brit Q,s Don’t ask me, I’m not the glitz guy. Enjoy the FF!

seriously, Bloodshy and Avant r on there? They MUST be. ifAnyone they MUST be on there!!! Who’s got the scoop on this? really, this is going to be a fab album. Whichever way, it’s going to be anotha part of the Britney legend. I shulda said nothin. don’t worry, is going to be fine. U’ll be jumpin up n down and singing. Britney is the best. And her prods. It is what it is, lol. omg, what a fireworks. please b frosty. Is all good and i never had so much fun in my life in this brave nu world. Am happy top b the rookie. u’all gotta chill cos is only pop music. Im lovin this nu experience and is me who has to show what i got. Don’t y’all be mad pleez. thanks to you all and i TRULY respect your passion. Some vino veritas on my part i confess. And now, onwards + upwards. x x x

Hours earlier, Britney tweeted that she was in the studio with Black Eyed Peas‘ member/producer Will.I.Am. Will.I.Am then took to Twitter, saying:

The song I did with britney is ganna be crazy fresh. from the super bowl to the studio workin on a mega smasher. can’t wait till its done

Listen to “Frozen,” then listen to “Check It Out (feat. Nicki Minaj).”

I’m in mourning.

What better way to kick off the New Year than with a debut single?

You might remember the Introduucing… post about Jessie Malakouti–better known as Jessie And The ToyBoys, from last year.

The singer is now preparing to launch the ToyBoys campaign with the release of her debut single: “Push It,” featuring Yelawolf. Check out the newly posted extended clip below!

Produced by Jimmy Harry and No Doubt‘s Tony Kanal (quite a coincidence, as I’ve always found Malakouti’s voice similar to Gwen Stefani‘s!), “Push It” is a storming, glitched-up electro affair packed full of hard, crunchy beats and ’80′s-esque melodies.

“I’ve been trying to get a little bit closer to you, I’ve been dying to get a little bit closer to you,” Malakouti croons sweetly. In short, it’s a bit like musical crack–the more you listen, the catchier it becomes!

The song’s über-processed sound actually reminds me of a sub-genre of Japanese pop called “pico-pop” (which I really ought to do a proper post about–in the meantime, check out “Eternity,” an example from one of my favorite pico-pop acts, Capsule.)

Liking what you hear so far? Well, good! The full song and remixes are coming very shortly.

The 2010 American Music Awards aired live tonight. I live-tweeted the event. Well, most of it. (The Walking Dead came on at 10–I do have my priorities, after all.)

So, rather doing a rather drawn-out summary of the affair, I figure I’d just regurgitate what I just said–except with pictures and video links. Lazy, right? Oh, and if you couldn’t tell yet, you should totally be following me on Twitter.

Like Diddy-Dirty Money says…LET’S GO!!111!!! (I luv Jesus.)

LET’S GO!!!

“My Humps” hit-maker Fergie of Black Eyed Peas fame (who’s last solo single was released in September of 2007) has just been named Woman of the Year for the 2010 Billboard Women in Music Event. No, I’m not even kidding.

From Billboard:

Black Eyed Peas vocalist and six-time Grammy-winning artist Fergie will receive the Woman of the Year Award at the 2010 Billboard Women in Music Event on Dec. 2 in New York.

“I am humbled and excited to accept the Billboard Woman of the Year Award,” Fergie says. “Being honored by Billboard is a great career achievement.”

Fergie spent 2010 touring the world alongside her Black Eyed Peas bandmates on the Blackberry Presents: The E.N.D. World Tour, performing hits from the group’s hugely successful 2009 album, “The E.N.D.”

In response to the accouncement, Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, Katy Perry, Beyonce, Kylie Minogue, Britney Spears, Rihanna, Ciara and Nicki Minaj have prepared the following joint statement:

“LOL WUT.”

Are you even serious right now, Billboard?

We as a society owe so much to Auto-Tune.

The audio processing equipment responsible for jump-starting the careers of such acts as the already irrelevant T-Pain and smelly pop sensation Ke$ha has granted us countless musical triumphs, including Cher‘s legendary comeback (“Believe”), Paris Hilton‘s shamefully good debut record, and of course, Heidi Montag‘s legendary feat in commercial floppery, Superficial.

It has also granted us a barrage of singles from blink-and-you’ll-miss-’em reality stars, especially from the truly delectable Real Housewives series on Bravo.

Following the success of her cautionary debut, “Tardy for the Party,” professional hit-maker Kim Zolciak has returned from the recording studio with another classic: “Google Me.”

Brave. Different. Iconic. All of these words fail to accurately describe the potential impact of Zolciak’s soon-to-be smash single.

“Click them keys and Google me,” the be-wigged mother of two implores of us in her electro-pop laced examination of the human condition as seen through the lens of a post-modern, post-prostitution whooah society.

At times, she plays coy; at others, she attacks: “Those other girls they want to be like me / But they’re just Barbies–all body, no brains.” At once, Zolciak both asserts her own independence as a woman while casting her own scathing criticism against those who put a premium on the impossibly artificial standards of beauty exemplified in popular culture.

While “Google Me” will no doubt go down as the “Imagine” (John Lennon) of our time, perhaps the most impressive part of Zolciak’s latest classic is the fact that the chanteuse’s vocal limitations actually manage to nullify the perfecting skills of Auto-Tune.

Yes, Zolciak’s half octave range defies the very capabilities of the vocal processor that has granted so many of the Black Eyed Peas‘ Bar Mitzvah stompers to pervade the popular music charts, proving once and for all that Kim Zolciak has literally the worst voice on the entire planet. Ever.

I’m afraid you’ve lost this time, Auto-Tune. There are just some atrocities that even your warbling robot settings simply cannot correct.

Kim’s management has been snatching down links to the song like mad at the moment, but you can currently listen to “Google Me” in full at Idolator.

(BUT REALLY, THIS SONG IS AMAZING.)

Known for providing some of the most innovative, genre-bending dance-turned-R&B-turned-rock ‘n’ roll tracks of the 21st century, Kelis has always been known to be a formative, if not consistently underestimated figure in the music industry.

With “Acapella,” the singer’s colossal first single from Flesh Tone, it was clear that the singer was by all intents and purposes ‘back’ after a four year hiatus from the industry. The song, which would eventually hit #1 on the Billboard Dance/Club Play charts, doubled as a successful re-introduction into the scene and provided a perfect showcase of the album’s major themes: carnal beats, soaring vocals, and an emphasis on forward-thinking electronica.

But while all signs pointed to promising results, it’s hard to say if anyone could have expected this album; one that could easily be declared the best albums of the year thus far. Yet that’s exactly what we’ve been given.

Flesh Tone is only a nine-track album, but it sure doesn’t feel that way. Each track seamlessly feeds into the next thanks to a series of transitions, resulting in a non-stop primal party mix that holds true to Kelis’ initial hopes for the album. “It’s an album you can get sweaty to,” Kelis explained to Rap-Up early into the promotional campaign for Flesh Tone. She wasn’t kidding.

With opening tracks “22nd Century” and “4th of July (Fireworks),” Kelis immediately builds a case for her complex new sound. Both songs are structured more like ten different tracks being played at once, transitioning into new bridges and alternating melodies and dance breaks.

Soon after comes the lonesome sounding “Home,” which sounds like one thing and expresses quite another: “The lights are shining, I’m already home,” Kelis croons above scorching synthesizers and a blaring beat. The pulsations are bold and vibrant, even if her voice remains mournful.

There’s also “Emancipate,” which may well be the “Vogue” or “Express Yourself” of 2010. “Let me tell you what love is,” Kelis announces like a proper disco diva at the start of the song. “It’s about meeting each other half way…I’m in route.” What follows can be described only as a modern re-imagining of Erotica-era Madonna, as the mantra “Emancipate yourself” repeats again and again on top of strut-and-pose synthesizers. It’s an instant, undeniable gay anthem for the next generation.

The David Guetta-produced “Scream” is another major moment for the singer, as Kelis finds herself getting even more comfy in her new role as commander of the dance floor. “You’ll never know if you don’t let it out/ You have enough, they’ll call your bluff” Kelis announces as the song dives into the chorus. Here, the synthesizers flare like smoke pouring from the speakers while the frantic electronic noises begin to dissipate, making each repeat of the chorus sound not unlike a rocket launching from Earth.

The true triumph, however, would be the final moments of the record with the Benny Benassi-produced “Brave.” The song is the most personal of the bunch (aside from the final ode to her newborn son, Knight, entitled “Song for The Baby”), which finds Kelis taking on her divorce, pregnancy, and various other inner demons in a rave-happy, carnal explosion of noisy synthesizers and grinding electronica. “It was crazy. Had a baby, he’s amazing,” she croons across the song’s first verse, “He saved me. And this time, it’s just us.”

An immediate favorite from the get-go, “Brave” is truly what brings Flesh Tone from greatness to the upper echelons of incredible.

The brilliance with Flesh Tone is that Kelis has taken very Top 40 production value (Jean Baptiste, for instance, often works with the Black Eyed Peas) and transformed it into complex, next level electronica with multiple layers and dimension. These aren’t simply three minute dance tracks with catchy, radio-ready choruses, they’re part of a complete album experience providing the soundtrack to a host of stories and emotions.

In short, the best way I can describe this album is to declare it a kind of Confessions on a Dance Floor of the new decade. And that, my friends, speaks volumes.