A picture of her flaw-free head moving swiftly through the busy streets of New York City surfaces around 4:15 P.M. and gets retweeted approximately fifty-five bajillion times. “Is it her?!” the fans shriek via tweet. Could it actually be? Yes. After some sort of stan-based visual DNA testing, it’s confirmed: The Holy Spearit is making her way to the FOX Upfronts.
“Legendary hair,” the commenters carefully analyze amongst one another. “Iconicney.” More time passes, and the fans reload their Twitter pages hungrily. “I hate fuckin’ waiting,” the Twitterverse seems to cry out all at once. So much–so very, very much.
Finally, the time has come: The announcement of the X Factor line-up. Just minutes before 5 P.M., a more-epic-than-epic X Factor promo flashes across the mega-sized screen in the Beacon Theater reminding us all of the DRAMA, ADVERSITY, PERSEVERANCE, PEPSI PRODUCT PLACEMENT and SUPERSTAR WATTAGE (Melanie Awho-whuh?) of X Factor–and then the screen lifts to reveal the new judges.
Pink tee, blonde ponytail, sweatpants, shades and absolutely zero fucks given: My baby’s back in NYC!
Last night, TMZ caught The Holy Spearit wandering outside her hotel in the city (trying to put her derriere in the magazines, no doubt!)
Why’s she in town? Because Our Queen will be appearing alongside her future co-worker Demetria Devonne Lovato later today for the FOX Upfronts, where they’ll be officially (FINALLY!) announced as judges for the upcoming season of X Factor.
Honestly, I’m just a shaking pile of blubbering mess. What will she wear? What if she speaks? What if she sings? What if she and Demi perform an acoustic rendition of “Everytime” into “Skyscraper”? WHAT THEN?!
Hush. Just. Stop. And wait until this afternoon…
Let’s be honest and reasonable with ourselves: Every Britney song ever deserves to be a single. Even “Mmm Papi.”
However, that’s not how it works. In fact, only a few songs from each album become singles. Usually, they’re all amazing picks. But sometimes Team Britney misses out on a real gem of an opportunity and, despite our most valiant efforts–GUYZ, SIGN THIS PETITION!1!1!–it doesn’t end up happening, and we spend a lot of our energy fighting on forums, making fan covers and dreaming up the videos, TV performances and tour choreography that never happened.
Since the Britney 2012 drought is in full swing (we’re shaking and crying for a Twister Dance commercial, y’all), and since we think about this all the time anyway, fellow Brit maniac Jordan Miller from BreatheHeavy.com and I decided to go album by album and select the one song we thought should have been a single from each era.
Check out my selections, then Jordan’s picks, and then tell me what songs you would have picked in the comments!
Today is a sad day for fellow Brit Brit fans around the world.
The noble steed that starred in the video for Queen B’s Blackout Circus single “Radar” (and nearly landed the clip a solid “X” rating from the MPAA for a steamy shower scene) has died while filming on the set of the HBO series, LUCK.
Mr. Neighdar will always be remembered as a fine stallion, a skilled polo player, and an endless tease with the ladies.
For anyone who would like to pay their respects, Ms. Spears will be sitting shiva at the Neighdar Shady Oaks Retreat in Gallop, Ohio for the duration of the weekend.
From the set of a Britney video to that great barn in the sky: you’re forever and always on our radar, Mr. Neighdar.
Marina & The Diamonds on Britney‘s “E-Mail My Heart” for Q Magazine:
My main inspiration when it comes to popular culture is Britney Spears. I have always loved her and enjoyed the innocent hyper-girly element in her image. I think people believe my admiration of her is ironic or something. I don’t know why you can’t just love big pop artists without it having some kind of ironic eye roll involved. E-Mail My Heart is very 1999 and it is on my pre-show soundtrack for the Lonely Hearts Club tour.
I love her so much.
You’ll want to check out the rest of Marina’s playlist of heartbreak tracks for Q, including picks from Gwen Stefani (“Bubble Pop Electric”) and Christina Aguilera & Ricky Martin (“Nobody Wants To Be Lonely”) right here.
Watch for the official review of Marina’s new record Electra Heart–my favorite album of the year–coming on Monday.
HOMAHGOD: Britney just tweeted (or, uh, Pathed) a photo from the set of her upcoming Twister Dance commercial, which was shot this week by “Till The World Ends” Ray Kay.
I’ve run this photo through some pretty advanced flaw-finding technology several times now, and I’m having difficulty finding any flaws. There are just no flaws found. In fact, I believe it’s fair to conclude that this commercial is 100% free of all flaws.
But really–look at that bodeh! Someone’s been seriously working out. And those arms! So ripped. So svelte. So sexy. She’s clearly putting in overtime at the gym knowing that she’ll be doing a lot of sitting on X Factor. Just. GAWGEOUS.
Lookin’ so fire hot–a 20 out of 10, B!
Check out another photo from the shoot below the cut, courtesy of Twister’s Facebook page.
VIVA LA GODNEY!
After days and weeks of rumors abound, it’s official (mostly): The living legend, the sensual seductress, the enchanting mistress Miss Britney Spears is joining Simon Cowell and L.A. Reid on the judge’s panel on X Factor USA!
In an exclusive posted earlier today, E! Online confirmed that The Holy Spearit will earn a cool $15 million (not nearly enough for my Queen, to be honest) to dole out nervous side glances and provide helpful criticism and commentary to contestants like “cool”, “fun” and “Stop looking through the peephole!”
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