When Lana Del Rey isn’t busy luxuriously combing her lustrous hair, driving ’bout 99 down the PCH with her bad baby by her heavenly side, or just releasing the best album of the year, she’s busy reorganizing her Britney: The Singles Collection box set in reverse chronological order.
Britney‘s got an album coming in 2013, and quite literally nothing else in this world matters.
We’ve known this for a while from assorted rumblings, as well as a completely nonchalant ‘Oh this? Just here sitting in a recording studio casually with Darkchild, NBD’ moment on X Factor. But on December 30, The Holy Spearit confirmed the news publicly via Twitter by responding to fans out of nowhere with a post-Britmas message of hope, noting that she was “working hard” (“slaying your faves”) and “really focused” (“remaining a legend”) on new music, collaborating with some “new inspiring producers” (“coming for all sorts of wigs”).
So, Britney‘s getting “fired” from The X Factor. Allegedly. As one of her most unwaveringly loyal fans, I say: Thank God.
At some point early after the souped-up season premiere, it became painfully obvious that Britney slowly began running fresh out of fucks to give to the tedious, long-winded series.
She shined bright like a Diamond White at first during the audition rounds, providing an unscripted zinger or two and being playfully cast in editing as the unimpressed pop princess. But her personality quickly became muted as the live shows began, allowing the rest of the panel–including the always eager, constant spiller of truth tea (and best actual judge) Demi Lovato–to take the reigns, leaving Britney to look like a goofy face-making guest judge on a weekly basis.
Yesterday, I kicked off MuuMuse’s Most Anticipated list for 2013. You want more? Well, I’ll give you more. Away we go!
MERRY BRITMAS, Y’ALL!
Today, on this blessed day–December 2–we join together once again in Spearit to light vanilla candles, take our Holy Eucharistney (Starbucks Frappes and a bag of Cheetos, the blood and body) and sing the praises of our beloved B, for she has delivered unto us the Book of Godney and the Psalms of …Baby One More Time, Oops!…I Did It Again, Britney, In The Zone, Greatest Hits: My Prerogative, Blackout, Circus and Femme Fatale.
Our voices ring out in celebration from all across the land–from Catholic school classrooms, to the sensual suites of the Onyx Hotel, to deep inside the Fantasy forest, to the Neighdar horse stables, to the pink Louis Vuitton Hummers in the sky, to the dirty post-apocalyptic sewers below the city, to the strip clubs, to the aisles of Target, to the popcorn-littered seats inside the Circus tent, to the surface of Mars alongside the Curiosity rover.
We, the loyal followers of Godney, bow down in reverence for her tireless efforts to defend us from the mediocrity of lesser-basics. We encourage others to go to the light and see Jesus. We drink Pepsi and think young. We use constructive criticism. We are true stars. We are cool, funky and urban. We hate fuckin’ waiting. We scream, we shout and we wonder aloud: OMG Is Like Lindsay Lohan Okay Like?
She’s the original. She’s unforgettable.
Happy 31st birthday to the sensual seductress, the enchanting mistress, the ringmaster, the original doll, the Femme Fatale, the legendary…Miss Britney Spears.