LITERALLY STOP BREATHING, STOP YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN.

You stuck waiting around for Jersey Shore to air to see Brit Brit’s 2011 VMA promo? NO NEED: It’s here…and it’s FUCKING AMAZING.

Prancing into a room full of Spears impersonators and giddy B-Girl enthusiasts, the Holy Spearit gets into the groove as Janet Jackson‘s “Rhythm Nation” and Madonna‘s “Everybody” play overhead (!!!). Watch as Godney giggles, plays around in a photo booth and passes by walls filled with iconic track titles, including Michael Jackson‘s “Billy Jean,” Madonna’s “Like A Virgin” and Britney’s own “…Baby One More Time.” And then, the major reveal (along with a super epic B pose…GIF please!!!):

8/28: A TRIBUTE TO BRITNEY SPEARS.

I AM ABSOLUTELY FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW!!!

Madonna, Michael, Janet…and now: Britney. Honoring the Holy Spearit like the MOTHERFUCKING ICON she is!

This commercial is a stan boy’s ultimate dream come true! I mean…the clipping of Britney’s head taped on top of Janet’s infamous Rolling Stone cover photo alone! I CAN’T TAKE IT, TAKE NO MORE.

THANK YOU, MTV. THANK YOU!!!

2011: YEAR OF THE SPEARS.

HEY! Over there! It’s DJ B spinnin’ on the ones and twos!

Check out this exclusive first look at Brit’s upcoming promo spot for MTV’s 2011 Video Music Awards, courtesy of Entertainment Weekly. Doesn’t she look like Heaven on Earthney?! So flawless. And the disco ball! And the lighting! Gawgeous! So MuuMuse!

The promo will officially premiere during tonight’s Jersey Shore at 10 PM on MTV–along with, as Adam Leber tweeted last night–”an update on her involvement with the show.”

So get your fists pumpin’…our girl’s coming out for Jersday!

After months of promo photos and behind-the-scenes teasers, the time has finally come for Maroon 5 to unveil the long-awaited clip for the band’s breezy summertime smash, “Moves Like Jagger,” featuring the dulcet tones of flawless legend diva icon goddess, Christina Aguilera.

So how is it? Err…better heard than seen, to be quite honest.

The song’s accompanying video, directed by Britney‘s “Hold It Against Me” director Jonas Åkerlund, follows a group of Mick Jagger impersonators showing off their best moves at an audition while Levine & Co. perform their latest hit.

Sadly however, the clip suffers dearly from the director’s signature breakneck style of editing. While more tolerable in his clips for Brit Brit and Gaga, the mile-a-minute cuts seriously grate quickly here, leaving me feeling queasier than Lady Xtina after one too many spins on her chair at The Voice.

I mean, it’s bad enough that the editing is so quick to begin with, but when there’s precious seconds of a perfectly shirtless Adam “Lick Me” Levine standing there going to waste in between blink-and-you-miss-it shots all those boring Jagger impersonators?! Now, that’s just cruel.

And as for Legendtina’s appearance? Well, it’s kind of just one big “OOF.” That HAT alone. Good Godney!

In conclusion: Far too many moves like Jagger, far too little shirtless Adam and flawless Legendtina. But the song is still a smash!

“Moves Like Jagger (feat. Christina Aguilera)” was released on July 12. (iTunes)

IT’S BRITNEY, BITCH. (Again.)

As you might have heard, I attended two nights of The Femme Fatale Tour back-to-back: Boston and Hartford. It was a decision that was good for my soul, bad for my physical health/car’s mileage.

While you can read my complete review of Monday night’s show in Boston here, I made sure to snap dozens of great photos for the Hartford show on Tuesday (which was also amazing!)

Bonus moment from last night: As The Holy Spearit closed out the show with “Till The World Ends,” the stairs/lift failed to lock in on time on the giant metal contraption, leaving Spears unable to climb up and board the winged platform she usually rides out into the audience.

With a “FUCK IT, LET’S JUST DO IT LIVE Y’ALL” expression on her face, the superstar handled it like a true professional–skipping down the catwalk, busting out into a dance and giggling as she skipped right back to the main stage (giving dancers high-fives and playfully shoulder-shrugging the entire time.) She even pretended to flap her wings on the way down from the stage! It was so, so über-Cuteney.

And now–the photos from last night! (If you use them for your site, please credit MuuMuse. Thank you!)

Enjoy!

MOAH.

As the countdown trails to zero and the lights plummet into total darkness, the screen above the stage fills with the image of Spears–the Femme Fatale. Brandishing a gun, she feverishly bolts past security cameras; her signature blonde locks bobbing up and down as she scales barbed-wire fences and shoots at her pursuers as only a true Badassney could.

She is escaping–running away from a S.W.A.T. team, while deliciously dolled up in a full glitz outfit. (Don’t all super sexy assassins incorporate a little glitter into their wardrobe?)

Ultimately she’s caught at some point and wrestled to the ground, kicking and screaming all the way down. But as she’s unwillingly slammed over the hood of a police car, she glares mischievously into the windshield at us and purrs seductively: “I’m not that innocent.”

Just at that moment, the screens above the stage immediately begin to split in half and smoke pours from within as the Holy Spearit herself comes rolling in on a giant metal “Hold It Against Me” platform. Glittering, though still to dark to see her, she stands locked and loaded–awaiting the moment as the driving beat starts to pulsate through the arena. And then, although no one could possibly hear it above all the shrieking, she fires: “Hey, over there…”

Would you hold it against me?

Last night, I saw my idol, inspiration and living legend Britney Spears perform live in Boston.

I tweeted her to tell her I enjoyed the show. Then my phone died.

When I finally got back home and charged my phone, I found (literally) hundreds of tweets, texts and calls waiting for me to confirm that I was still alive: Britney Spears tweeted me back.

My entire life now has meaning. The Holy Spearit has blessed me.

VIVA LA GODNEY.

Watch The Throne who?

In what is objectively the most important coming together in the history of popular music since Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer‘s “No More Tears (Enough Is Enough),” Godney took time out from her Femme Fatale concert in Atlantic City last night to give a shout-out to “a very special guest” in the audience: Lady Gaga! (Fast forward to the 3:00 mark above.)

AND THEN, HEARING THE CROWD’S ROARING APPROVAL, THE HOLY SPEARIT DID SPOT THE GAGA IN THE CROWD AND BEGAN WAVING WITH GREAT FERVOR. UPON SEEING THIS, THE GAGA JUMPED TO HER STILETTO-ED FEET TO DELIVER A HEART SIGN AND DUTIFULLY BOW IN REVERENCE, TO WHICH THE GREAT GODNEY DID RESPOND WITH AMPLE AMOUNTS OF BLESSED AIR KISSES.

EDIT: AND THEN BRIT BRIT PUT HER PAWS UP. (:40 MARK.)

FUCKING BIBLICAL.

Now, please turn to page 116 in your Holy Scriptures:

The Godga also shall dwell with the Godney, and the Beysus shall lie down with the Rihsus; and the Ke$hus and the Cedric and the Floptina together; and a little Selegenda shall lead them. – Flopsaiah 11:6.

L’olam va’ed. Amen.

Earlier this morning, MTV announced the addition of a brand new socially-concious category to the 2011 Video Music Awards: “Best Video With A Message.”

The nominees for the award–from the network that brings you Jersey Shore and 16 and Pregnant–include Lady Gaga‘s “Born This Way,” Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful,” Katy Perry‘s “Firework,” Taylor Swift‘s “Mean,” Eminem‘s “Love the Way You Lie (feat. Rihanna),” P!nk‘s “Fuckin’ Perfect” and Rise Against‘s “Make it Stop (September’s Children).”

As you can tell from the list of candidates, it’s kind of–err, lacking in places. MAJORLY.

To remedy this situation, I’ve gone ahead and spotlighted four of the most glaring snubs. With any luck, I’ll have shed some light on why these four deserving titles should be receiving as much praise and recognition as any other “It Gets Better” PSA–I mean music video.

You’re welcome in advance.

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