Well, this sounds nothing like 3 Words.

“Boys” was written by Adele, which provokes a kind of “Oh, really? Adele?!” response until you think about it a little, forget why it was all that surprising in the first place, and then swiftly move on with your life.

The song, to me, is a three-play grower. By this, I mean I remained unconvinced on the first play, intrigued by the second, and all but addicted upon the third.

The hypnotizing swirl of the synth-pads, lonely echoing guitar plucks, and the semi-melancholy, lovesick lyrics (“Boys, this is not our choice / We can’t help that opposites attract / But where’s the fun in that, for a hopeful romantic kind of girl?”) all lend themselves to a perfect addition to the already not-so-mainstream package that is the “3 Words” single.

I like it very much, though it does make me a bit sad to think that “Boy Like You” trumped this “Boy” for a spot in the final tracklisting of 3 Words.

Photo courtesy of Daily Mail.

Sleigh bells ring…are you listening? No? Me neither.

Instead, I was busy watching ITV1′s Cheryl Cole’s Night In, broadcasted live from some nice gentleman’s TV in the UK this afternoon.

The show, similar to Girls Aloud‘s Christmas special, The Girls Aloud Party (minus the funny), was a one-off special including many artists, in-depth interviews, and three performances by the hostess herself. While it all sort of seemed like one massive lead-in for X Factor, it was nice while it lasted.

Let’s sort through the performances, shall we?

It’s “Fight For This Love”–with a quick occupational change!

Trading in the soldier’s jacket for a flowing silk kimono (sort of), Cole goes from soldier to samurai in this phenomenal hot-pink re-hash of her much beloved first single and its original X Factor routine.

And yes, after three nail-biting moments, the payoff returns: The dance break’s back! And what’s more, it’s reinvented! Just watch what she does with that sword. Love, love, LOVE my Cheryl!

Erm…such a pretty dress!

Sorry. Vocally it’s a bit weak, and performance-wise it’s a bit stiff, but I’ll be damned if she isn’t an absolute vision here.

It’s hard for me to be “objective” about Rihannoir, given that I’m so enamored by her lately.

I think this is vocally even stronger than her latest performance on Saturday Night Live, and perhaps one of the more intriguing performances as of late. (She’s performed it so many times in the space of a month, now that I think about it!)

Highlights include blue fire, white shoulder-pad spikes, front-heel high heeled shoes, torches, and a lovely stringed accompaniment. The beginning of the performance hints at a softer ballad rendition of “Russian Roulette.” Can we please make a full version of that happen?

A top-notch performance of “Bad Boys” from last year’s X Factor winner (mentored by Cole!), Alexandra Burke. I don’t know all that much about her, but judging from her tweets and her interview on the show, I’d say she’s a rather chipper person. Hurrah for Alexandra!

In the best surprise of the night however, Cole took to the stage for the final time to perform “Parachute” for the first time ever, along with one of Dancing With the Stars‘ professional dancers, Derek Hough.

Not only did she look STUNNING, but the choreography was as close to perfection as Cole’s ever come. While some fans may bitch about the performance being lip-synched, all I can say is: Who gives a shit? We all know she isn’t a vocalist, so why bother forcing it? This is entertainment, my friends…not a vocal showcase.

And that was Cheryl Cole’s first ever (only ever?) one-off special.

Three words: Oh. My. God.

It’s nearly four in the morning my time, so I can’t even begin to process the epic that is the video for Cheryl Cole‘s upcoming second single, “3 Words.”

I just can’t believe how quality this video turned out to be. It’s…but–the bodies…pretty lady…and then the blonde wig…

Stunned.

When Cheryl Cole announced her plans to take a brief break from powerhouse girl group Girls Aloud and embark on a solo outing, my mind was wrought with fear as usual: Fear of an Aloud split (not true in the end), fear of wannabe-rapping (a little true in the end), and above all, a feared repeat of the faux-R&B horror that was Victoria Beckham‘s solo album (not including “Let Your Head Go,” obviously).

As it turns out, the fears were somewhat justified–but for entirely different reasons.

Cheryl Cole’s debut, 3 Words is a producer’s potpourri, featuring tracks backed by Syience, Taio Cruz, Wayne Wilkins, and most prominently (albeit unfortunately), five tracks mixed by Will.i.am, including his own 2008 semi-international hit, “Heartbreaker.”

The problem with Mr. i.am is not that he’s a bad producer (“Make Me Cry”), nor a particularly good one (“Boy Like You”), but rather that he’s a complete and utter microphone hog. Containing five tracks that feature more than a fair share of Will.i.am’s lyrical stylings, 3 Words suffers the most in that half of its own “words” aren’t even spoken by Cheryl Cole.

As for the words the songstress does speak, they often seem to reflect the media barrier she’s built up after the flurry of infidelity allegations published back in 2008 against her husband, Ashley Cole.

This includes the album’s ballad, “Don’t Talk About This Love,” which, although featuring no writing credit from Cole herself, echos what’s been said in recent interviews: She’s not letting anyone in on her personal affairs (“Please don’t talk about this love / The less they know, the less they judge / Don’t talk about this love to anyone”).

On a side note, doesn’t that second line in the first verse sound like she’s singing “Feels like I could drown in syphilis”? I swear to God, that’s all I hear when I’m listening.

“Parachute,” builds off of the very same theme (“I won’t tell anybody / Won’t tell anybody / They want to push me down, they want to see you fall”) while earning points for being the album’s most readily accessible track, as well as its catchiest. Backed by a militant, marching drum beat and a twinkling mid-tempo piano melody, Cheryl repeatedly purrs in a low growl: “I don’t need a parachute, baby if I got you / Baby if I got you, I don’t need a parachute.”

Aloud fans will most likely sing their loudest praises for “Stand Up,” a disco-tinged, Taio Cruz-penned club track that finds Cole coming close to acknowledging the Hi-NRG Euro sound of the mega band from which she hails. “‘Cause I came here to dance, I’m going to put up my hands, so stand up,” she sleepily coos through a fleet of violins and glittery synths.

“Make Me Cry,” another highlight, proves equally danceable, although more of a moody boogie-down track than an outright celebration. “Are you trying to make me cry? / Stop trying, ’cause I’m die-die-dying,” Cole barks along a series of funkified synth pulsations that, put together with Cole’s scattered riffs, results into one hell of a nasty beat. If any track could count as Will.i.am’s redemption for slathering himself all over this album, “Make Me Cry” would be the one.

There are, of course, some real stinkers mixed into the bunch as well, including the draggy, go-nowhere “Heaven,” the soggy strutter (pun!) “Rain on Me” and of course, “Boy Like You,” which features–hands down–the greatest misuse of a Fleetwood Mac sample ever.

The problem is, simply speaking, that these songs lack in both personality and punch. Anyone could be singing these songs (in fact, “Happy Hour” was a demo originally scribed for Rihanna if I’m not mistaken), and their appeal only goes so far as the listener’s loyalties to both Girls Aloud and the Cheryl Cole brand are concerned.

Cole’s delivery is frigid and thin, though not in the “Ice Disco Princess” way (a la Lykke Li or Sally Shapiro), but rather in the disconnected, phoned-in performance sort of laziness. This disconnect is especially apparent on the final “club” track, “Boy Like You,” as the squaky synthesizers clash harshly with Cole’s soft coos.

I suppose it could be said that 3 Words proves why Cheryl is a superstar, but as awful as it sounds, that would be to miss a crucial half of the assessment: 3 Words proves why Cheryl is a superstar member of a girl group.

For any other artist’s debut, 3 Words would probably not rank as high as it will for this review, and especially not as high as it’s expected to perform on this week’s album charts. This is Cheryl Cole we’re talking about however, the subject of an almost unhealthy English obsession. As a result, this entire campaign has been cushioned with a certain degree of forgiveness. Sure, she’s got a decent vocal range, a gorgeous face, and enough of a winning personality to carry her though this effort. As it stands though, 3 Words would be a barely passable debut if sung by anybody else.

Purchase 3 Words on iTunes UK | Official Website

This evening, Cheryl Cole performed her debut single, “Fight For This Love,” for the VERY first time on live television.

Though she’s already been on tour with Girls Aloud for over seven years, performing live for hundreds of TV shows and arena concerts, there was just something about the fact that it was only Cheryl that made the moments leading up to her entrance as nerve-inducing as her very first performance on Popstars.

As we should have known, Cole handled it like the pro that she already is. Stepping off the stage as a judge and into the spotlight as a performer, the singer unleashed a stellar performance of “Fight For This Love,” suited in a slightly modified version of the military jacket from her video, a mesh top, and a pair of double-slitted black slacks.

Though her voice may have threatened to crack at times (whether it be result of the dance moves or that whole national audience viewing thing) she held on throughout, moving her way across the stage with a flank of soldier-dancers in tow.

However, it wasn’t until the song began to fade (and Simon began to stand) that the real “WOW!” moment began: As the music broke into a militant strut a la Rhythm Nation, Cole strutted it out for a brilliant, all-too-brief dance breakdown. The legs! The shimmying! That licky-hand-slap dance move! It was all she needed to do and then some; almost certain to secure her place at #1 this week.

Big love to the fact that Nicola, Kimberley, and Sarah were in the audience. I’m assuming Nuh-deen’s busy recording her own debut single right now out in L.A. or something. (Note: This is more of a dream than an assumption.)

And as for the main attraction, Miss Whitney Houston, who performed immediately after? Err, well…I’d rather not get into it out of respect.

Well, so much for an album full of manufactured R&B pop.

“3 Words,” the next single and title track off of Cheryl Cole‘s debut solo album, is just about the antithesis of lead single, “Fight For This Love.” Complimented by a throbbing pulse and guitar strum devoid of form, “3 Words” is mesmerizing in its listlessness; a brave choice for second single (or any single for that matter).

“It was those three words that saved my life,” Cole coos as the track shifts form throughout, transforming from a guitar strum into a lulling piano melody, only to later give way to a harder synthesized break.

Stylistically, “3 Words” unlike anything Cheryl or Will.I.Am have released, nor is it anything similar to what’s currently being played on the radio. It doesn’t fall under a genre, it’s unconventional. Sure, there are some truly dire lyrical moments (“I said ‘I L-O-V-E Y-O-U, I am so into you, girl. She said ‘M-E T-O-O’”), but the lazy delivery style by both Cole and Will.i.Am smartly veils their poetic shortcomings.

Even if the rest of Cole’s debut is filled with Rihanna rejects and embarrassing faux-rapping, “3 Words” has already defied my expectations enough to make the album worth purchasing. The only drawback is that it’s Will.i.Am singing those lines with Chezza. Otherwise, it’s almost brilliant.

Read here.

For everything you ever wanted to know and more about Cheryl Cole, I highly suggest the cover story that just ran in today’s Sunday Times Magazine. Take it all with a grain of salt though…the writer clearly has a massive lady hard-on for Chezza.

At the very least, give it a read for the completely gratifying sentence that mentions Nuhdeen‘s plans to do a solo album too. Mmm…

Like the great Aloud before her, Cheryl Cole seems to be indulging in the “gorgeous photo, dodgy font” technique. The background is a bit Hard Candy too, isn’t it? 7/10.

3 Words will be released on October 26.

PS: Have you seen the video for “Fight For This Love” yet?