It seems Christina Aguilera may be releasing the greatest album on the planet if the growing producer’s list is to be believed.

To hear more from Christina Aguilera, click below.

God, this woman’s just churning these puppies out, now isn’t she? Yes Muusers…For better or (quite possibly) for worse, it’s time again for some Gaga.

And now, a rundown of moments and counts.

“BRITNEY DID IT” moment: 0:07.
“MADONNA DID IT” moment: 2:03.
“JANET DID IT” moment: 3:25.
“DID GAGA JUST DO THAT?” moment: 2:23.
Most Epic Moment Ever Recorded At A Turnstile: 1:22.
“Isn’t that…Christina Aguilera?” moment: 2:30.
Does alternative eye wear meet or rival that of Beyoncé‘s “Diva”: Yes.
Count of awkward, jitter-like dance moves: Buttloads.
Count of seconds devoted to the oft-name dropped “disco stick”: Not nearly enough…Not nearly enough.
Count of lesbian indulgences: 1.
Count of shameless brand advertising: 3.
Count of shameless vagina flashes: 3.
Count of pairs of pants for the Gaga: 0.

Overall: 8.55 / 10

And that’s that.

One more thing: I would like for someone to buy me a disco stick in the near future.

UGH EUGHHHHHHH.

Sorry, that’s the noise that just came out.

It’s…the video for Lady Gaga‘s “Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)”.

It seems that if you took Christina Aguilera‘s “Can’t Hold Us Down” video, vacuumed out the filth and STD’s, plumped it full of softener effects, and then peed on it just a little, you would have the video for “Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)”.

I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair. Let’s try again.

Lady Gaga is sort of like that slutty, drunk sorority girl that absolutely no one wants to talk to at the party because she’s too busy trying to bum a cigarette, brag about her vagina, and scream at the invisible DJ to turn up the volume because she loves that song.

She IS trying too hard, she ISN’T different, and she’s slowly sucking the heart and soul from Pop, one wonky outfit at a time.

AND NO, THOSE ARE NOT COOL, FORWARD THINKING FASHION SORT OF OUTFITS, THANK YOU SO MUCH PLEASE.

I have said my piece.

Tired, uninspired, and lamer than ever, it’s the video for “Keeps Getting Better,” Christina Aguilera‘s latest. The video features an assortment of cheap looking mini-scenes pooled together in a “futuristic” fashion, as Mrs. Bratman sits behind the recording table orchestrating the madness with a flick of her hands.

Ironically, “Keeps Getting Better” spirals into horrific, erratic nonsense as the song goes on, making every minute all the more unbearable as our eyes fail to make sense of whatever is happening onscreen. Sure, the video could have been decent had they stuck with any one of the featured concepts, but no…Just mash them all together. Wait it out until the end, as X-Tina pulls a Bozo The Clown gone dominatrix atop a motorcycle (as frightening as described), only proving to further my point: Once a hot tranny mess, always a hot tranny mess.

Which is better?

The original…

Or this?

I’ll reserve my judgment.

…No I won’t. The drag show is vastly superior.

Here we go again: The 25th Video Music Awards, the annual celebration of self-indulgence that only continues to lower our expectations with each coming year.

This year, we were treated to host Russell Brand, a lesser known English trash-talking personality. Kicking off with what was surely the most political monologue of the award show’s history, Brand pleaded for the audience to vote for Obama while scolding America for electing “that retarted cowboy fellow.” Thanks for the input, Englishman…Very influential. For anyone who didn’t see it, the humorless, shout-happy series of awkward statements unfolded like a Sarah Silverman performance missing the funny.

That however, was not Brand’s finest hour, which was actually the two remaining hours spent harping on the promise rings worn by the Jonas Brothers. When I say two, I mean it—each time the man was given an opportunity to speak, he took a jab, the insults growing worse each time. It was no surprise then that the audience erupted in loud cheers when Jordin Sparks decided to break from her speech and defend her own ring, declaring: “I just have one thing to say about promise rings. It’s not bad to wear promise rings…Not everybody wants to be a slut.” Overgeneralization? Surely. Deserved? Absolutely.

As for the performances, most were generally sub-par: Rihanna’s opening “Thriller”-esque rip-off made her forgettable as always, T-Pain and Lil’ Wayne were far less than inspiring, and Kanye West’s final smoke-and-lights moment left me rather unfulfilled. Some even bombed, namely Katy “Ur So Gay” Perry and her hideously bland rendition of “Like a Virgin.” I have just one question to ask you, Ms. Perry: Is that a banana on your shoulder, or are you just completely untalented?

The rocker chicks generally fared better: Pink pulled out a rather fierce rendition of her snotty kiss-off track, “So What?” with the help of pyrotechnics and breakaway glass, while Paramore kept true to form while performing their endlessly catchy single, “Misery Business.”

I’ll even award some modest golf claps to Christina Aguilera for fitting that pin-up friendly bosom into a form-fitting, futuristic PVC outfit (which, by the way, was rather “Toxic” of you, Miss Aguilera) while performing an electro-tinged rendition of her “classic” “Genie In A Bottle” along with her new single, “Keeps Getting Better.”

The actual awards went by (as they often do) greatly unnoticed, though one of the most genuine moments came when German pop-rockers Tokio Hotel scored a miraculous win over their competition, including Miley Cyrus. As the group trotted up to the stage and sputtered out their acceptance speech in broken English, few could help but coo at their adorable bout of breathless gratitude.

However, as we all know, this night was truly about my queen; my dearly damaged damsel, Miss Britney Spears. Didn’t she look stunning? Even some uninterested viewers around me forked over some halfhearted kudos once she appeared. While she didn’t perform, she never had to: Britney Spears makes the VMA’s. She smiled and looked pretty, walking away with her first, second, and third Moon Man of her career, all while awarding the haters a well deserved “Fuck You” for counting her out in the first place. Some are angered by Brit’s triple victory, and I certainly agree…I mean, shouldn’t the award go to a more established, credible artist such as Katy Perry or Miley Cyrus?

Exactly. Get over it. The VMA’s have been as dead as their hosting network for years.

After all, this year’s show will be remembered for nothing, except for the moment when Britney finally brought her sexy back.

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Photo credits:
#1: Photo by Jordan Strauss/WireImage.com
#2: MTV/Getty Images
#3: UntouchableBritney.net

Christina Aguilera’s new song, “Keeps Getting Better.”

I wonder how Rachel Stevens feels about all this.

Kay, I can breathe now. So according to the snoops over at BMK, we’ve deduced that the newly leaked Britney Spears rehearsal video recording was done by her bodyguard after seeing a short glimpse of him in the mirror. Additionally, picture evidence suggests that this was shot on August 22nd at the International Dance Academy.

What’s more is that according to E!, the song has been confirmed as “Underground,” the choreographer identified as Andre Fuentes, and when they asked MTV if she was indeed performing, all E! got was a “No comment.”

Logistics aside, this is a nearly completed return to form. What I’m seeing is very Britney 2003. There’s a focus in her steps unlike last year’s awkward nervousness, as well as a more toned body. I wouldn’t be too worried if she went up on stage this year, but I don’t think she will. I just happen to think that MTV is trying to milk her appearance for all it’s worth…though I could be wrong.

That being said, this is clearly for some event, and the fact that it’s professionally shot and edited down properly makes me confident that this wasn’t an unplanned leak.

Either way she’s back, and…this time, it’s right.

Oh yeah, and Christina ‘Tiggie McBitty’ Aguilera‘s new song dropped yesterday from her upcoming Greatest Hits album. Nothing like a little classic rivalry…Is it any wonder who’s already won?