BOW DOWN.

A legend appears: Flawlesstina, Empress of Former Flopitude, just uploaded a photo on Twitter late this evening.

With those luscious bubblegum pink lips, flowing golden locks and that peachy airbrush complexion–I’m sorry, did you hear that? That was the sound of a thousand wigs being snatched off in the distance.

“Getting my glam on today for a special shoot! XoXtina,” the Pop Goddess tweeted. But what kind of a special shoot? New music? Or is it for the second season of The Voice (due to which I am now famous and very rich, bitch)? Or perhaps for Secret Potion, Xtina’s sensuously stinky intoxicating new scent?

We just can’t be sure. We don’t have all the facts yet. But as one can plainly see, the yodeling Snooki Monster of yesterday has been slayed. Queen Legendtina has once again risen to her throne (made of unsold Bionic albums, as I noted in the New York Times) as a full-on Hollywood glamour girl. And the haters? Why, they stay mad. They stay mad.

Let’s get glam, bitches…

First Legendtina did the unthinkable, skyrocketing to #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for her inspired 7.5 second coattail-riding assist on Maroon 5‘s “Moves Like Jagger.” Then…she flopped back down to reality after Adele decided to Schoolin’ Life the lowly Floptina.

But now, this week…SHE DID THE EVEN MORE UNTHINKABLE:

THE TRUE QUEEN HAS RETURNED TO HER RIGHTFUL THRONE.

Yes, that’s right lesser divas:

CHRISTINA MARIA MEDULLA OBLONGATA OOH NA NA AGUILERA IS BACK ON TOP AND BIGGER THAN EVER.

From Billboard:

After dropping to No. 2 last week, “Jagger” returns for a second frame atop the Hot 100, similarly rebounding (3-1) for a second week at No. 1 on Digital Songs (220,000, up 6%). The song claims Airplay Gainer honors on the Hot 100 courtesy of its 8-5 push on Radio Songs (104 million, up 20%).

And so it was said: On this day, September the 14th, The Great Legendtina of Former Floppiness did INDEED re-ascend to the throne made out of unsold Bionic albums while unleashing a powerfully irritating vocal run that went on for thirty seconds too long.

BOW DOWN.

“Did you hear, Flopdele? “Moves Like Jagger” is #1 in America.”
“Wait, what? Seriously? Ew. Just a moment–someone hold my cigarette.”

Well, so much for that: After a shocking coup last week with her triumphant rise to #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 aboard Maroon 5‘s “Moves Like Jagger,” Legendtina now finds herself simmering down to #2 like a pot full of Sabi‘s floppy vegetables.

After her performance of the song at the 2011 VMA’s, Adele rose from #19 to #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 with “Someone Like You”–a stunning sales jump (and testament to the undeniable influence of the Video Music Awards). This is now Adele’s second #1 from 21–the top selling album of the year thus far.

From Billboard:

Following an acclaimed performance of the song on the MTV Video Music Awards Aug. 28, Adele’s stark ballad “Someone Like You” bounds to the top of the Billboard Hot 100, vaulting 19-1 with dual Digital and Airplay Gainer honors.

“Like” leaps 11-1 on Digital Songs with 275,000 downloads sold (up 191%), according to Nielsen SoundScan. On Radio Songs, the track blasts 42-19 with 46 million all-format audience impressions (up 59%), according to Nielsen BDS.

When prompted for an official response to the news, Queen Floptina had only this to offer:

THE IMPOSSIBLE HAS JUST BEEN DONE.

Queen Legendtina, Almighty Ruler of Flopnomore and Susan Lucci of the Recording Industry, has just done the unthinkable and clawed her way back to the tippity-top of the Billboard Hot 100 this week with her blink-and-you-miss-it cameo on Maroon 5‘s “Moves Like Jagger”–her first #1 in over a DECADE.

From Billboard:

The song marks Maroon 5′s second Hot 100 No. 1. The band previously reigned for three weeks in 2007 with “Makes Me Wonder.” For Aguilera, the return to the chart’s apex ends an even greater hiatus. She had last ruled alongside Lil’ Kim, Mya and P!nk on “Lady Marmalade” for five weeks in 2001. “Jagger” is Aguilera’s fifth Hot 100 No. 1. She banked three leaders from her self-titled debut album in 1999-2000: “Genie in a Bottle,” “What a Girl Wants” and “Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You).”

Yes, you read that correctly:

CHRISTINA MARIA LEGENDTINA FLOPTINA GERMANOTTA FRITTATA AGUILERA
IS #1 ON THE BILLBOARD HOT 100 THIS WEEK.

LET US NOT FORGET WHO OWNS THE THRONE.

After months of promo photos and behind-the-scenes teasers, the time has finally come for Maroon 5 to unveil the long-awaited clip for the band’s breezy summertime smash, “Moves Like Jagger,” featuring the dulcet tones of flawless legend diva icon goddess, Christina Aguilera.

So how is it? Err…better heard than seen, to be quite honest.

The song’s accompanying video, directed by Britney‘s “Hold It Against Me” director Jonas Åkerlund, follows a group of Mick Jagger impersonators showing off their best moves at an audition while Levine & Co. perform their latest hit.

Sadly however, the clip suffers dearly from the director’s signature breakneck style of editing. While more tolerable in his clips for Brit Brit and Gaga, the mile-a-minute cuts seriously grate quickly here, leaving me feeling queasier than Lady Xtina after one too many spins on her chair at The Voice.

I mean, it’s bad enough that the editing is so quick to begin with, but when there’s precious seconds of a perfectly shirtless Adam “Lick Me” Levine standing there going to waste in between blink-and-you-miss-it shots all those boring Jagger impersonators?! Now, that’s just cruel.

And as for Legendtina’s appearance? Well, it’s kind of just one big “OOF.” That HAT alone. Good Godney!

In conclusion: Far too many moves like Jagger, far too little shirtless Adam and flawless Legendtina. But the song is still a smash!

“Moves Like Jagger (feat. Christina Aguilera)” was released on July 12. (iTunes)