BOW DOWN AND WEEP AT THE FEET
OF CLEOPATRANEY, MORTALS.

BEHOLD: The ineffable beauty of Godney Spears, now transformed into Cleopatraney, here to promote the release of her newest, most potent elixir yet: Fantasy Twist, an iconic fragrance tie-in with her game-changing game changer, Twister Dance, available on September 1 in only the rarest locations in all the world (Walmart, CVS and RiteAid, mainly.)

Wrapped in the blessed window curtains from her Stages photo shoot and cloaked in golden accoutrements made by melting down one of her dozens of gold-certified …Baby One More Time plaques, the free-of-flaw Queen has provided us with a sneak peek at her attire for the shoot, which has clearly been designed to evoke memories of the sacred Egyptian-themed “Gimme More” performance of The Femme Fatale Tour in Year of 2011.

Our Godney chooses her own destiny, which is why she’s chosen to travel deep into the treacherous hallways of what appears to be the local Holiday Inn in St. Paul, Minnesota to take her promotional photographs. She will then train for many moons, practicing her deadly microphone whipping, her masterful hand-to-hand combat, and of course, the Slay Wink, before finally going into battle to smite the cursed Floptinarus, Goddess Of The Flops.

All in a day’s work for a living legend.

Godney Jeansus: You can look (but don’t touch) and you can sign her–if you catch her from her good side.

After seven studio albums, Britney’s deal with Jive, now Sony/RCA Records, will end after the release of her impending eighth studio album. And according to The Hollywood Reporter‘s Shirley Halperin, there’s a whole lot of people who want a piece of B if/when she starts considering a new record contract, including Epic Records president and fellow X Factor judge L.A. Reid and former Jive leader, Barry Weiss, now the head of Universal Republic and Island Def Jam Motown.

From Billboard:

Both execs want to sign the singer, 30, whose seven studio releases have sold some 100 million units worldwide, to their rosters (at a cost of $3 million to $5 million per album, according to one estimate).

Weiss, who essentially swapped jobs with Reid in 2011, at least where IDJ is concerned, has time on his side. “I have a 15-year history with Britney and would love to be reunited with her,” he tells The Hollywood Reporter. Indeed, Weiss is one of few executives with whom Spears has interacted directly and he represents a sort of “comfort zone for Britney,” says an insider. “Barry understands how her business is run and the many buffers in place.”

Now, if it were up to me, I’d tell B to either stick with RCA or jump ship to Barry Weiss. He’s already been with her for 15 years, and there’s no reason to stop now. I mean, L.A. is #BeEpic and all, and I know they’re totes BFFs on X Factor (just wait for the gift baskets of vanilla candles in her dressing room!), but…well, this line sort of says it all, doesn’t it?

Reid, with whom Spears has become “chummy” since joining “X Factor” — to the extent that she and Demi Lovato swapped table positions so Spears can sit to Reid’s left — is in dire need of an artist who can chart, having run Epic for more than a year now with nary a hit to its name (staffers insist new signings Ciara and Avril Lavigne could turn the tide).

No, staffers. No. Need I remind you of the promo for Ciara‘s One Woman Army so far?

But really, it doesn’t really matter where she winds up. She’s Britney Fucking Spears. She could launch a label called I Hate Fuckin’ Waitin Records, appoint Jayden James and Sean Preston as co-presidents and Sabi as an intern, and still slay the charts, sell out arenas and set the trends in pop for years to come. (Actually, please do that, B.)

Adds another high-ranking executive: “She’s a hot commodity, and that’s a good position to be in.”

And it feeeeeeeels nice.

You know when you’re sitting home alone on a Friday night like Lana Del Rey and dreaming up amazing covers that your faves might perform one day on tour? The kind of covers that would just never happen because, well…they would just never happen in real life?

Like, what if Kelly Clarkson performed Britney’s most beloved ballad, “Everytime”? That couldn’t happen, right?

Of course not! “Everytime” is hardly the most obvious choice in the grand scheme of Popular Britney Songs. Besides, Kelly already covered the Living Legend back in April with her gorgeous stripped-down version of “Till The World Ends”! And even if she wanted to, surely the Pop Gods would never let it happen because the sheer magnitude of such an event would crack the Earth straight in half. Right?

WRONG: IT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED.

Earlier tonight, while performing at The Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas, Kelly Clarkson selected “Everytime” as her fan request of the night.

Wait, stop screaming for a second: Not only did she cover the song, she hired a harpist especially for the performance. I know. No, I KNOW. The arrangement is absolutely gorgeous (obviously) and Queen Kelly’s vocals are objectively flaw-free (obviously), but just try and avoid crumbling into a complete blubbering mess by the very end, when Kelly truly starts sanging her heart out.

I’ve done some scientific studies (on myself), and I’ve since concluded that it is humanly impossible to make it past “And this song’s my sorry…” without breaking down and turning into this. The belting! THE BELTING! CHILLS. UTTERLY DESTROYED.

Stans: Keep the Kleenex box closely by your side. Basics: Fasten your wigs. Haters: Stay so very, very pressed.

Below is the full performance in HQ, including Kelly’s introduction. “This song is one of my favorite songs…I actually prefer the other girl’s version better because it just sounds sad, but I’m gonna try and do it,” she said before revealing the song. Can you say Godney stan?

OH MY GODNEY. Where have you been? So much has happened in The World of B. Let’s get in the zone.

Today is the TCA 2012! Wait, the Teen Choice Awards were yesterday though. But no! This is another thing called the TCA! Well, what’s this one? It’s the Television Critics Association’s semi-annual press tour! Um, what?

It’s like, networks promoting their shows to journalists, who in turn promote those shows to us, who in turn consume the shows and that’s how television works or whatever. BUT BRITNEY HAD TO DO IT, SO IT FUCKING MATTERS.

Read more »

As the days creep closer to the September 12 premiere date of The X Factor, FOX has already begun flexing their hype muscles by giving us all a taste of what’s to come from the initial audition episodes this week. Okay, wait, let’s talk truth tea here: They’re giving us all the GODNEY they’ve got, ’cause they know that’s all we actually want. (MOAH!)

Just yesterday (REFERENCE), the official X Factor YouTube account premiered an appropriately dramatic/legendary promo featuring Brit, Demi, Simon and L.A. striding into the arena like victorious gladiators, spliced in between clips of people passing out on stretchers and shaking and crying backstage. (They could have just asked me for footage of myself at the Femme Fatale Tour, but…you know. It’s fine.)

The clip also gives us a sneak peek at some of their critiques. Naturally, B stans have already read/heard all of them before, including “You’re hot!” and “I want to know who let you onstage.” Still, it is nothing less than a blessing from the Spearit to see them onscreen.

But that’s not the real promo that the world needs to know about. Far from it! Two days ago, a brief 16-second tease played during the MLB All Star Game highlighting Brit Brit’s judging prowess–specifically, the shade of it all.

Watch above as Britney breaks out the 2007 Blackout umbrella (figuratively speaking), providing enough shade for anyone walking within a 500-mile radius. Choice life-ruining moments include:

+ THE SPEARIT FINGER WAVE.

The most important new dance move to be added to the Spears oeuvre since the “Till The World Ends” tiny clap.

+ “You can’t destroy that song, sweetie.”

The new “You’re Fired” of reality television.

+ “You definitely don’t have the X Factor.”

This isn’t Godney interacting with some random contestant. Luckily, the original footage has been restored:

VIVA LA SHADENEY.