Nelly Furtado is back! Exciting!

Six years since her absolutely amazing 2006 English effort Loose, the multilingual Canadian crooner returns with “Big Hoops (Bigger the Better),” the first single from her upcoming (and oft-delayed) 2012 record, The Spirit Indestructible. (Not to be confused with Lindsay Lohan‘s lost third record, the holy grail known as Spirit In The Dark.)

And now, the tea: When I got the chance to preview the Rodney “Darkchild” Jerkins-produced track in full last week, I was not too enthused. The song felt whiny, irritating and much less exciting than anything off of Loose. A buzz single at best.

It’s been over a week now. I’ve had a chance to mull it over and…well, I still think it’s thoroughly meh. There are bits that are stuck in my brain, though! They include:

1.) “Thebiggathebettathebiggathebettathebettathebigga.”
2.) “I can go fast! I can go slow!”
3.) “Everybody say he-e-e-e-y. They’re going at it all ni-i-ight and day.”
4.) “Like that, like that, like that…”

Also, the final few seconds of the track are a treat, as the song cuts into its crashing drum ‘n’ bass breakdown (a la Björk‘s “Crystalline”). That’s fun.

I don’t know! I appreciate the effort to navigate away from Guetta Top 40 dance land, but I just don’t think the song is anywhere near as thrilling as “Maneater,” “Promiscuous” or “Say It Right” (oh God, I love “Say It Right” so much). The beat’s sexy, but overall, it’s fine. Just fine–nothing more. A grower not a shower, mayhaps?

Watch for the stilted video clip, which was shot in L.A. earlier this month, to hit the web soon.

Now please stop yelling at me on Twitter for feeling ambivalent about this song, Furtado fans.

Stream courtesy of Jon Ali’s Blog!

“Big Hoops (Bigger the Better)” will be released on April 17. (iTunes)

Meet hotly tipped up-and-coming pop icon, Carishma.

Unfamiliar? Well, maybe that’s because you’re LIVING UNDER A FUCKING ROCK.

Or perhaps you’re just not a 12-year-old girl, Carishma’s target demographic, as demonstrated in her latest celebrity endorsement: Snap On Feathers, the hot, sexy, fun way for cool and popular girls to get that freshly-plucked feather look.

FINALLY: No more sneaking into your father’s pistol cabinet while he’s out at work (why does he have so many guns though? THIS IS AMERICA, THAT’S FUCKING WHY), shooting down the robin’s nest tucked away in that tree out back, plucking at the wings of your newly fallen prey and running the bloodied blue feathers through your hair.

Not only does the commercial feature the musical stylings of the 21-year-old chanteuse, but a brief snippet of the singer performing her “breakout hit” on what appears to be a replica of the sound-stage from Nickelodeon’s ’90′s smash TV series All That, featuring some rather slay-worthy choreography in a sparkly one-piece bathing suit that bring a whole new definition to the term “your faves could never.”

As for the song itself, “Glow In The Dark,” which was produced by Darkchild, is a utterly shameless rip-off of Britney‘s Femme Fatale bonus track, “He About To Lose Me” which was–you guessed it–produced by Darkchild. Like, completely: From the opening guitar strum, to the song structure, to–well, everything, it’s literally the same song with a slightly spruced-up chorus and no Brit Brit involved. $UCCE$$!

But just in case you thought Queen Carishmatic was trying to pull a fast one on the general listening audience, think again: She fully acknowledges this fact! Like, often! She just doesn’t seem to give1curr about the whole thing which, if you think about it, is kind of amazing: It’s sort of like if Lady Gaga‘s official response to the “Born This Way” similarities to Madonna‘s “Express Yourself” was “Oh yes, you’re right! What of it?” rather than bursting into tears and reciting a monologue about art and truth and beauty.

In conclusion: Carishma is like Lady Gaga, but better.

Many thanks to Muuser Chris S. for the find!

“Glow In The Dark” was released on September 19. (iTunes)

Lest anyone be confused, Kelly Clarkson is still perfect.

After the leak of the sensational “Let Me Down” last week, three additional Kelegendary leaks have just hit the web this weekend (unfortunate for her, a blessing for us mere mortals)–all of which are said to be from sessions for her upcoming fifth studio album.

Read more »

To review a new Britney Spears record, for me, is a bit like asking a crazed pageant mother if she believes her daughter is a star.

Sure, she might have spilled apple juice (or Cheetos, more fittingly) all over her glitz costume, forgotten the steps to her baton routine halfway through the performance and fallen asleep onstage, but in the end, she’s still Miss Grand Supreme in my eyes.

This is what journalists often refer to as “full disclosure.” With all that being said…let’s do this.

If I said my heart was beating loud…

Sounds like: Justin Timberlake, Timbaland
Genre: Urban pop, R&B, electro-pop

Ten-HUT!

Meet Talay Riley, a 20-year-old UK artist signed to Jive Records.

Back in the summer of 2010, Riley released his debut single, “Humanoid.” Like the bulk of 2010 (or really, the latter half of the decade), Riley’s debut is a sexy, electro-pop stomp affair. “Humanoid” is riddled with robot talk and future speak, complimented further by Auto-Tune robo-vocals and slinky, urban pop beats.

Now, the singer is about to unleash his second single: “Sergeant Smash,” a mid-tempo groove that plays like the 2011 upgrade to the Timbaland sound that dominated the mid ’00′s. “I’ll break you off a little somethin’, have you going crazy,” Riley announces above the song’s horn-heavy, militant beat. Add in a drum line and a few rallying cries, and you’ve got yourself a proper pop battle. HOOAH!

Check below to hear a mix of “Sergeant Smash,” featuring London-based rapper Wretch 32, now streaming in full!

Talay Riley is currently in the midst of recording his debut album, due out later in 2011. The album will feature production by the likes of Inflo1st (a member of Ryan Tedder‘s writing circle), Rodney “Darkchild” Jerkins and Harmony (a member of Darkchild’s writing circle).

Armed with a heavyweight production team and some truly killer beats, Talay Riley might just have the artillery to go hard this year. Forward…MARCH!

“Sergeant Smash” will be released on February 13. (Official Website)

“When I Grow Up” was the largely successful lead single from the The Pussycat Dolls‘ (RIP) sophomore record, Doll Domination.

Released in May of 2008, the Darkchild-produced, questionably moraled ode to the pursuit for fame earned the Dolls the #9 spot atop the Billboard Hot 100, as well as providing what would be their greatest dance breakdown moment ever. (No seriously–check out this video of every single time they’ve ever worked that incredible dance break. It’s unstoppable.)

However, it was always somewhat known/rumored that “When I Grow Up” was originally penned with Britney in mind. Now, there’s proof.

An early demo penned by songwriting brother duo Rock City hit the net earlier today, and the lyrics–for better or worse–have Britney written all over the song.

“My name is Britney and I don’t care what you say,” we hear as the track starts revving up. But as the demo unfolds, the song lyrics grow relentlessly cringe-worthy: “I swear that I was flippin’ at first / When they said I looked like Debbie Gibson / And then I tried to dance like Michael Jackson / But people saw me and started laughing.”

Later on, the comparisons keep flying, making her sound more and more pathetic as the song goes on: “I would dress up like Madonna, would even try to sing like Cyndi Lauper / I would pretend I was a superstar, I never thought me being me would get me that far.”

Honestly, I’ve just got no clue how Rock City ever expected Britney’s camp to accept this demo. Casting her as a wannabe laughingstock and making her sound like a narcissistic brat? Like…are you for surrious right now?

I’d always wondered why the song was passed up. Now I know why.

I knew it!

Despite a torrent of rumors hitting the blogosphere as of late, there is NO new Britney music on the horizon right now.

Direct from Adam Leber‘s Twitter:

No new music news right now….Wish people wouldn’t mislead you guys with BS info. Not cool! PS- The guys that ARE working on Brit’s next album ARE NOT talking about it…Brit has a new mag cover & spread coming out in the next month or so which is going to be SICK! Will let Brit reveal the details herself. Stay tuned….

As for that “not talking about it” bit? Can’t help but assume that’s a slight against Darkchild and his “coming soon” promises during a recent Ustream session.

I’m as much of a Britney dreamer as the next stan (just kidding, I’m better), but even I’m keeping it real enough to know that it’s just too soon to be getting giddy. The label is still accepting submissions and calling on writers–it’s not single time yet!

Besides…I have my own sources. I wouldn’t be so sure new music wasn’t coming right now if I didn’t have some idea of what’s going on. La la la…

Give it time, friends. You know she’s going to dominate when the time is right. She ALWAYS does.

According to MTV’s Buzzworthy Blog, Britney is preparing a June release for the debut single off her upcoming record. No word on a producer yet, but all eyes are glued on the ‘D’ boys as probable candidates: David Guetta, Danja and Darkchild. It’s a guaranteed smash on the radio regardless.

And yes, my very own sources doubly confirm the June release to be true.

REJOICE, BITCHES: GODNEY COMETH.