Amber Rose – “Fame”

For those who haven’t already heard of Amber Rose, she’s the fiercely bald model/socialite/arm candy–formerly of Kanye West, now of Wiz Khalifa–who’s been featured in videos for superstars including Nicki Minaj (“Massive Attack”) and Ludacris (“What Them Girls Like”), and currently the face (and body) of Smirnoff’s new national ad campaign.

Like all good society women do, (Paris, Heidi, we love you!), Rose announced earlier in 2011 that she was getting serious about music (she even quit smoking!), stepping into the studio to work on an upcoming debut for 2012.

Well, it’s finally happening, as the socialite-turned-songstress has just debuted her first-ever single: “Fame.”

Although the cover art and title are a bit of a shameless homage to Grace Jones (which she’s already done a few times before, Island Life style), the sound is nowhere near Miss Jones’ avant-pop territory. Nor is it a throwaway club-pop track drenched in Auto-Tune that might have been upchucked by one of the cast members of any given Real Housewives series.

Instead, “Fame” is a light electro-R&B breeze about flashing lights and the public’s scornful eye. As it turns out, Amber Rose commands a lush, wispy coo a la Queen Cassie that carries the song quite pleasantly: “This is a new situation/Now you’re an overnight sensation,” Rose lightly sings over the pulsing synthesizers and twinkling electronica.

“You’re not ready for the fame,” Rose later croons during the song’s dreamy chorus. Although she’s certainly no powerhouse chanteuse (was anyone actually expecting that?), and the song isn’t much deeper lyrically than the stuff of Heidi Montag’s flaw-free fame fest Superficial, “Fame” is still a solid debut effort that will earn Rose some newfound fans–and of course, keep those haters staying mad.

Coupled with the fact that her boyfriend Wiz Khalifa (who also makes an appearance for a brief guest verse) has her heading into the studio with some notable producers and songwriters, Rose’s full-length debut might actually be something seriously worth clamoring about.

Now, can someone please tell Amber Rose why she should probably stop calling her fanbase her “Rosebuds”?

You probably know her as the wife of Ice-T.

Maybe you’ve admired her work as a model between the sticky pages of such notable magazines as Playboy, flaunting the assets that keep Nicki Minaj pounding down Big Macs on a nightly basis.

Or perhaps you’ve seen her on Twitter, where she rings in not-yet-official national holidays including “Titty Tuesdays” and “Thong Thursdays” with NSFW TwitPics for her adoring masses.

One way or another, you know Coco: Wife. Model. Actress. Legend. Now, the buxom blonde can safely add another job title to her CV: Chanteuse.

Shoe Freak by mjs538

“Shoe Freak” is the debut single by Coco, set to be released to iTunes at some undetermined point in the future.

In what is rapidly shaping up to be the greatest ode to footery and label whoring since Jennifer Lopez‘s “Louboutins”–nay, perhaps even Heidi Montag‘s “Fashion.” (Yes, I know it’s Lady Gaga‘s song, but let’s not even pretend to wonder whose version is superior), Coco seductively twirls through 16 different designer’s names above an early ’90′s runway club beats without even a single stumble over a foreign syllable.

“Miu miu,” Queen Coco purrs, as though taunting us all with a shout-out to MuuMuse. Add in some soulful cries of “Shoe freak!” that serve us some serious church realness, and you’ve got the greatest modern ballroom track since Malcolm McLaren‘s “Deep In Vogue.”

National reports conclude that both Heidi Montag and Paris Hilton were last seen entering into a local police station in downtown L.A. to file preemptive robbery claims for their wigs.

HO MAY LARD.

I’mma needa sit down for this one…

Irish living legend QUEEN NUHDEEN has just unveiled the premiere single from her sudden solo career revamp: “Sweetest High.”

It’s a glittering dance song with a throbbing house beat! It can be danced to while under the influence!

Alright, let’s cut the shit: “Sweetest High” is a cheap-ass, broke-down production that plays like a 2005 MySpace dance diva’s fledgling Billboard Bubbling Under dance single.

The mix is tinny and sparse, and the beats are embarrassingly dated, cheap and generic. It is, by all definitions, a tickety tack hot tranny mess from Transylvania that is not apologizing for it. (The reference on that one, if you weren’t aware.)

While I might have heralded this song as The Second Coming if offered up by a less notable chanteuse–perhaps a Heidi Montag or a Brooke Hogan type (maybe, as most of their discography still shits all over this)–the song is being sung by Nadine Coyle, an actual, verifiable singer of legendary pop songs.

And yes, she’s sanging! A lot! And of course she’s always amazing when she sings, but…oh, I just. I can’t. I can’t!

I mean, honestly: I don’t mean to throw so much shade (way too late for that one), but when Tila Tequila can jiggle her yum yums for a more noteworthy beat (“Hideaway”) than a PLATINUM-SELLING GIRL GROUP MEMBER, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

Nadine, listen–no, put down the stilettos and LISTEN TO ME: You’ve sold a lot of fucking albums! And YOU are the lead vocals on many of the Aloud singles! You should be doing better than this, and you DAYUM WAYHL KNOW UT!

HAD AY KNOWN THUS WUD HAYPUN, AY WUD HAYV JUST PRAYFAYURED ANUTHAYR SAYNGUL FROM UNSHAYSHABULL, NUHDEEN.

CRAYUNG UH MAYLYUN TURRS RAHYT NOW.

“Sweetest High” was released worldwide on June 22. (iTunes)

Muusers: Prepare to be blown (away).

Meet Meital Dohan–pronounced “mey-tall,” probably just going to keep pronouncing it “metal”–the Israeli actress who you might already recognize as Yael Hoffman of Weeds fame.

After several years in the industry, the 31-year-old award winning actress has decided to do what every sensible actress should do: Embark on a short, weird foray into music making.

Behold “Yummy Boyz,” MuuMuse’s unofficial anthem of the summer.

First things first: The video for “Yummy Boyz” defies all boundaries and social decency. Like Degrassi it goes there, featuring dead presidents and Obama impersonators, inexplicable social commentary on obesity (and maybe amputees?), flaming crotches and water gun money shots. It’s a stunningly brash mixture of kitschy glam and low-budget hardcore porn, as if filmed for the sole purpose of being projected on the walls during Splash’s Twink Tuesdays.

Dohan happens to be having a ball (and an arm!) throughout, embracing her role as a sex-starved ’80′s bubble-pop temptress with an open bosom and a room full of mannequins–like an offensive version of Jessie & The Toy Boys.

As for the song itself, “Yummy Boyz” is the best song Heidi Montag never recorded. While the electro-pop scorcher suffers from a severe case of PopADD–leaping from one hook to the other without notice–it never strays too far from its deliciously trashy swagger.

Yet perhaps one of the most intriguing/confounding aspects of Dohan’s debut as a singer is her vocal delivery style, which lies somewhere in between the dull wheeze of an asthmatic during a deep sleep and the robot they hired to sing on Nadia Oh‘s Colours: Not quite speaking, not yet singing–it’s just kind of like breathing heavy in different tones.

So, what’chu think?

R U A HEAVY MEITAL LOVER OR WUT?

After announcing her upcoming foray into music back in November, Kim Kardashian is finally prepared to unleash the fruits of her labor upon the world.

Earlier this morning, the professional Nicole Scherzinger lookalike visited On Air with Ryan Seacrest to premiere her debut single, “Jam,” produced by Ciara collaborator, The-Dream.

According to Ryan Seacrest’s official site, what had happened was Ciara was all like “The-Dream wants your number,” and then Kim was all like “Please, I’m sure he does,” and then Ciara was all like, “No seriously, he really wants to do a song with you,” and then The-Dream was all like, “Let’s just have fun. Let’s donate the proceeds, let’s just have fun with it don’t take yourself seriously. Try something you’ve never done before.”

I believe this is roughly the same exchange The Beatles had with producer George Martin before recording Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Playing more like a Heidi Montag than a Paris Hilton production in the grand scheme of socialite singles, “Jam” is a dirt cheap club banger filled with mind-numbingly, impossibly generic lyrics (“Girls in the building / Fellas in the club / Boys spending money / Girls looking good”), lazily sung vocals and a fairly by-the-books bangin’ beat.

“They playin’ my jam / They playin’ my jam,” Kardashian’s monotone voice repeats again and again above the song’s pulsating chorus. God, she sounds so completely bored throughout, but hey–that’s what being a glamorous butt model is all about!

Kardashian will be donating all proceeds from the song to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, which is actually quite sweet.

That is, if the song generates proceeds to begin with…

Thanks to Rap-Up for the music link!

Here we go again: The end of another year in music!

2010 may well be remembered as the Year of the Future (if not the Year of All Hearts–hint hint!): A year of fembots, androids, bionic women and time-traveling adventures deep into the 22nd century.

Space-age love stories and robo-dramatics colored a large portion of the year’s biggest releases in pop, no doubt a response to the reign of the machine on the pop charts as synth-pop productions continued to dominate the digital airwaves in 2010.

Below is the list of MuuMuse’s Top Albums of 2010, which was based on a variety of factors–from individual song and single goodness, to the complete album experience, to overall artistic integrity, to an album’s ability to ‘stick’ as the year progressed. Basically I’m trying to say that it’s a bit of a hot mess, but I tried my very best.

There’s also a rather controversial dishonorable mention prior to the Top 40 list that will likely blow my chances for that much coveted position as editor of Rolling Stone. DAMN IT.

Now…LET’S DO THIS.

Without further ado…the list!

As if this wasn’t already written in the stars, Kim Kardashian, known for having a giant ass and literally no other discernible talent, is now venturing into the world of music.

According to Rap-Up and TMZ, the reality show princess is currently cooking up some phat beatz with the otherwise amazing The-Dream, who has been responsible for such jamz as Mimi Carey‘s “Touch My Body,” RiRi‘s “Hard,” and Beyoncé‘s “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It).”

Now I know what you’re thinking: BLAH BLAH BLAH the music industry’s dying and these awful talentless reality trash-bags are busy sucking up studio time and spending their undeserved millions on producers to lay down tracks that no one will even hear rather than donating it to charity or something BLAH BLAH BLAH auto-tune rabble rabble can she even sing a note and what the fuck is a Kim Kardashian anyway, etc. etc. etc.

But now, consider the very compelling argument presented in Rap-Up’s article:

“Kim’s got a really good voice,” says one person who’s heard the material.

I’m already sold.

AND NOW, MORE COMPELLING EVIDENCE…COURTESY OF ME:

AMAZING.

AMAZING.

A-MAZING.

Thank you for your time.

We as a society owe so much to Auto-Tune.

The audio processing equipment responsible for jump-starting the careers of such acts as the already irrelevant T-Pain and smelly pop sensation Ke$ha has granted us countless musical triumphs, including Cher‘s legendary comeback (“Believe”), Paris Hilton‘s shamefully good debut record, and of course, Heidi Montag‘s legendary feat in commercial floppery, Superficial.

It has also granted us a barrage of singles from blink-and-you’ll-miss-’em reality stars, especially from the truly delectable Real Housewives series on Bravo.

Following the success of her cautionary debut, “Tardy for the Party,” professional hit-maker Kim Zolciak has returned from the recording studio with another classic: “Google Me.”

Brave. Different. Iconic. All of these words fail to accurately describe the potential impact of Zolciak’s soon-to-be smash single.

“Click them keys and Google me,” the be-wigged mother of two implores of us in her electro-pop laced examination of the human condition as seen through the lens of a post-modern, post-prostitution whooah society.

At times, she plays coy; at others, she attacks: “Those other girls they want to be like me / But they’re just Barbies–all body, no brains.” At once, Zolciak both asserts her own independence as a woman while casting her own scathing criticism against those who put a premium on the impossibly artificial standards of beauty exemplified in popular culture.

While “Google Me” will no doubt go down as the “Imagine” (John Lennon) of our time, perhaps the most impressive part of Zolciak’s latest classic is the fact that the chanteuse’s vocal limitations actually manage to nullify the perfecting skills of Auto-Tune.

Yes, Zolciak’s half octave range defies the very capabilities of the vocal processor that has granted so many of the Black Eyed Peas‘ Bar Mitzvah stompers to pervade the popular music charts, proving once and for all that Kim Zolciak has literally the worst voice on the entire planet. Ever.

I’m afraid you’ve lost this time, Auto-Tune. There are just some atrocities that even your warbling robot settings simply cannot correct.

Kim’s management has been snatching down links to the song like mad at the moment, but you can currently listen to “Google Me” in full at Idolator.

(BUT REALLY, THIS SONG IS AMAZING.)