LITERALLY STOP BREATHING, STOP YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN.

You stuck waiting around for Jersey Shore to air to see Brit Brit’s 2011 VMA promo? NO NEED: It’s here…and it’s FUCKING AMAZING.

Prancing into a room full of Spears impersonators and giddy B-Girl enthusiasts, the Holy Spearit gets into the groove as Janet Jackson‘s “Rhythm Nation” and Madonna‘s “Everybody” play overhead (!!!). Watch as Godney giggles, plays around in a photo booth and passes by walls filled with iconic track titles, including Michael Jackson‘s “Billy Jean,” Madonna’s “Like A Virgin” and Britney’s own “…Baby One More Time.” And then, the major reveal (along with a super epic B pose…GIF please!!!):

8/28: A TRIBUTE TO BRITNEY SPEARS.

I AM ABSOLUTELY FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW!!!

Madonna, Michael, Janet…and now: Britney. Honoring the Holy Spearit like the MOTHERFUCKING ICON she is!

This commercial is a stan boy’s ultimate dream come true! I mean…the clipping of Britney’s head taped on top of Janet’s infamous Rolling Stone cover photo alone! I CAN’T TAKE IT, TAKE NO MORE.

THANK YOU, MTV. THANK YOU!!!

2011: YEAR OF THE SPEARS.

On Thursday night, Janet Jackson brought her international Number Ones: Up Close and Personal Tour to Mohegan Sun.

As the Number Ones “Janet” logo flashed across the screen, the iconic spoken word introduction to “Control” began booming overhead: “This is a story about control…my control.” As she continued, a militant beat and damning clock tower bells droned louder and faster. And then–with a bright flash of dazzling colored lights–she appeared center stage; tearing into her 1987 smash hit single, “Pleasure Principle.”

Zipped up in a tight (like, rull tight) sharp-shouldered silver jumpsuit, Miss Janet was looking something ferocious on Thursday night, her boobies a-squeezed and her body looking tight. Added in with newly cropped ‘do, Miss Jackson was simply oozing confidence: Each time she’d knock out a five or six song set, Jackson would stop, stare and pose with every fiber of fierceness in her body–the mark of a true heavyweight entertainer.

Jumping from “Miss You Much” to “Feedback,” “Let’s Wait Awhile” to “Make Me,” and “Control” to “That’s The Way Love Goes,” Jackson’s set was a whirlwind celebration of the legendary performer’s triple decade reign, squeezing in over twenty of her #1 hits in just under an hour and a half.

In fact, it was only while watching Jackson fly through song after song–minute after minute–that one could truly begin to grasp just how many massive hits the singer’s wracked up over her prolific career.

Yet as any Janet fan could tell you, if there’s any one definitive characteristic of a Janet Jackson performance, it’s the choreography. And as always, the singer’s dance moves were simply spot-on: Janet sliced her way through tight, sharp choreography–from the militant steps of “Rhythm Nation” right down to the same exact breakdown routine from the 1993 MTV VMA performance of “If.” To see that electrifying moment recreated right in front of my eyes nearly 20 years later? Indescribable.

Interludes were frequent, including an amazing film reel of Janet’s finest acting moments–resulting in wild whoops from the crowd during scenes from Diff’rent Strokes and Poetic Justice, to fist-pumping cheers during Miss Jackson’s epic golf club-wielding glass table smash-fest during Why Did I Get Married, Too?

Another (less effective) interlude featured a lengthy slide-show of Jackson’s most iconic photographs. And while it’s always nice to see those pictures once again, it was nothing we couldn’t already see featured within the dozens of YouTube slideshows put together by Jackson’s hardcore fans.

As part of the Number Ones: Up Close and Personal Tour, Janet dedicates one of her #1 hits to each city she visits while on tour. So what was the choice track of the night for Mohegan? “Nasty,” which also happens to be arguably my favorite Janet Jackson song of all time. This, of course, was nothing short of destiny. “This is for you, Mohegan!” Jackson shouted before launching into the almighty jam. DEAD.

If there’s any criticism to be made about the show (aside from the lack of “All Nite (Don’t Stop)”…devastated!), it would be that the actual staging wasn’t entirely up to par with the sheer magnitude of the event.

While this particular tour is designed to be a more intimate affair (smaller venues, stripped down production), I still felt like the overly minimal stage–not much more than a few instruments and flashing lights–didn’t entirely pay due reverence to the magnitude of Jackson’s legend. Still, the icon thoroughly worked it out, making the lack of bells and whistles seem all the more irrelevant in the long run.

While most of the show was a hard-hitting display of Jackson’s finest up-tempo numbers, the BPM dropped midway through for a proper comedown. Perched on top of a stool, Jackson delivered a 1-2-3 punch of some of her biggest ballads–including “Again,” “Let’s Wait Awhile,” and her latest offering, “Nothing”–as the crowd lovingly swayed and sang along.

Throughout the night, the singer also teased the crowd with quick tastes of dozens of her other tracks cleverly mixed between her mega-mix performances–from the opening notes of “Rope Burn” in one moment, to a sudden, furious performance of the “What About” chorus by the back-up singers only seconds later.

At one point, the funky horn and early ’90′s club beats of “Throb” came pulsating in as Jackson delivered a signature cackle. But just as I began quivering and flailing all over the place–a transition to another song! The purest definition of a cock-tease.

After about an hour into the set, Jackson gave her faux-goodbyes and trotted off-stage. The house lights stayed dim as the crowd began cheering for an encore. And after a dozen or more rallying cries of “Janet! Janet!” the singer returned, decked out in an all-white suit for “Diamonds,” leading all the way into her final selection of the night, “Together Again.”

As she launched into the song’s final chorus, a series of photographs featuring Janet and Michael suddenly flashed onscreen. The crowd roared as Jackson–closing her eyes–tilted her head upward and raised her hands high to the sky. It was an incredibly touching moment (I got a bit verklempt), and undoubtedly the most personal moment of the entire night. “Be safe, I love you!” Jackson shouted between toothy smiles and air kisses before disappearing offstage for the final time.

Janet is (or rather, was) one of the only living legends I’d yet to see perform. To have finally gotten to witness the Jackson experience live? I’m still not over it.

In under two hours, Jackson proved just why she is a true icon, why she’s got a double-disc of #1 smash hits under her belt and why her pop legacy will continue to live on for decades to come. She’s one of the industry’s seasoned veterans–a world-class entertainer, and one of the greatest of our time.

In short: Perfection!

STOP YOUR LIFE AND CANCEL YOUR DINNER PLANS.

The Queen of Pop is ready to begin recording new music again.

Thanks to Hard Candy Music for posting the update, Madonna just added a “special statement” onto her official website:

“It’s official! I need to move. I need to sweat. I need to make new music! Music I can dance to. I’m on the look out for the maddest, sickest, most bad ass people to collaborate with. I’m just saying”…… — Madonna

Do you hear that? “Music I can dance to.” She’s been bitten by the bug again!

Please, oh pretty please Pop Gods, let this album come together in 2011. Imagine: Britney, Janet and Madonna all in one year? Be still my Pop Heart!

I’m feelin’ lyke dis:

Janet Jackson will grace the cover of the December 2010 / January 2011 issue of Instinct Magazine.

As you can see above, the diva’s pictured standing pretty in a bright red gown to commemorate World AIDS Day on December 1. Love!

A description of the feature, courtesy of the magazine’s Facebook:

In “The Quiet Power Of A Drama Queen,” Janet talks candidly with Instinct’s editor in chief Mike Wood about her pair of emotionally charged roles this year, adding “author” to her multi-hyphenate talents and also clues us in on how she sees music fitting in with her growing and critically acclaimed acting career. And of course, being only the fourth female in 13-years to get her own Instinct cover, Janet also opens up about that long-standing connection to the gay community, as well as her commitment to HIV/AIDS advocacy.

Can’t wait to read the feature–she’s always been a wonderful outspoken ally for the LGBT community.

Looking so lovely…go Miss Janet!

Girlicious. Let’s talk about them, yes?

For those who somehow don’t know (I’d be more surprised if you did know, to be fair), Girlicious are the legendary* Canadian girl group American girl group (EDIT: Not actually Canadian–their music is solely marketed there. Thanks, Muuser AJP!) formed by Pussycat Dolls founder Robin Antin during the smash hit* CW series, Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious.

There were originally four of them but now there are three, in what has surely become one of the greatest musical scandals of the 21st century* since Janet Jackson‘s Boobgate at the 2004 Superbowl and Britney‘s disastrous 2007 VMA performance.

The girls of Girlicious are responsible for hit after hit* of Top 20 singles (in Canada), including their debut single “Like Me,” “Stupid Shit,” and then nothing else.

Their latest single, “2 In The Morning,” recently shook up the charts* at #35, despite being nowhere as good as second single, “Maniac,” which bowed out at a formidable* #74.

Just two years after their iconic* self-titled debut dropped in stores, the girls are BACK with another record: Rebuilt.

And while I’m much too lazy to draft a proper review of the record, I’ve taken the liberty of snapping an EXCLUUSIVE SCREENSHOT of my iTunes library to see the stars I’ve allotted each song. This is a VERY RARE OPPORTUNITY* for Muusers to see the inner workings of MuuseTunes.

NOTE: There is a deluxe version with three new songs, but I’m lazy and haven’t gotten to all that yet. This is a review of the Standard Edition. Dealwidit.

And here we go:

Rebuilt is not very bad at all.

In fact, there are no less than three amazing songs (“Maniac,” “Grinding” and “What My Mama Don’t Know,” which kind of sounds like an Ashlee Simpson song in the chorus), as well as a fair share of nearly amazing ones, including the glitchy “Over You” and the v. good album ballad, “Unlearn Me,” which is obviously a 21st century update of Dannii Minogue‘s “Disremembrance.”

There are no actual stinkers on the record (“Wake Up” is a bit boring), though it’s a shame that “Hate Love” uses the same GarageBand drum loop as Rihanna‘s “Umbrella”–bit too close to home there.

Above all, Rebuilt is a good and fun ‘urban flavored’ dance-pop record, which makes it literally better than Messy Little Raindrops and Pink Friday.

That being said, Rebuilt is also very much the North American equivalent of Wordshaker by The Saturdays, which means I shall sit here idling my time and slowly twirling my thumbs until their Girls Aloud counterpart rolls around once more.

In conclusion: I miss the Pussycat Dolls.

*May or may not be slightly hyperbolic claim.

Rebuilt was released on November 22. (iTunes Canada)

GIMME A BEAT.

Janet Jackson just announced that she will be embarking on her “largest ever” world tour in 2011, in which she will “perform exclusively from my Number Ones.”

The thing is–she wants YOU to pick where the tour should go! Head to her official website to vote for your city NOW.

35 dates. 35 songs.

Janet’s one of my only idols I haven’t managed to catch live yet–my head is absolutely spinning.

On June 5, Rihanna‘s name graced headlines after she appeared onstage at the Rock in Rio concert in Madrid donning a fiery red, ultra-cropped new ‘do.

And although she was still in the midst of promoting her last album on The Last Girl on Earth Tour, it was clear that–with a small shock of red that would soon evolve into a bright, feathery mane–the LOUD era was born.

But it wasn’t just the hair that changed.

Only one year ago, Rihanna was in the midst of releasing her fourth studio album, Rated R, a reflection on the darker period of Rihanna’s life which has since come to be known simply as ‘the Chris Brown incident.’

The album was a distinct break in image and sound for the young artist, complimented by stark visuals and a hard new sound: Promotional photos featured Rihanna wrapped in barbed wire and throwing gun signs, clad in spikes, chains or nothing much at all, while the music of the album was filled with grinding dub-step beats and cold, damning lyrics.

While Rated R proved less commercially viable than her 2007 multi-platinum Good Girl Gone Bad (which ‘artistic’ album ever gets its fair recognition?), Rated R stands as a career-defining record, one that completed Rihanna’s transition from a dime-a-dozen radio star to a full-fledged artist with depth and complexity.

Nonetheless, it was clear that Rated R was a temporary (albeit necessary) moment of darkness in the otherwise sunny Bajan songstress’ disposition. With the release of the bratty, bossy “Rude Boy” in February, the Barbadian sensation was already exuding the same playful, cocky confidence and breezy spirit that has come to define her since her debut single, “Pon De Replay.”

Therefore, it was no surprise when the world received the first taste of Rihanna’s new music on September 7: “Only Girl (In The World),” the catchy, surging lead single from LOUD. Like a 2010 update to her 2007 smash “Don’t Stop The Music,” “Only Girl” quickly restored Rihanna’s reign as a radio chart topper with a dance-pop, synthesized beat and an anthemic, rallying call of a chorus: “Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world!”

And then came the promotional photos: Soft, dream-like portraits of a redheaded RiRi frolicking in open fields. The sharp shoulder pads, slicked back hair and dark sunglasses of 2009 gave way to frilly dresses, bright red lipstick and gorgeous close-ups bathed in natural light. As soon as it had begun, Rated R and its jagged metal logo were buried in a field of pretty flowers.

And so we have LOUD: From surging trance-pop stormers to heartbreak ballads, swaying Island-inspired rhythms to moody, downtempo beats, Rihanna‘s latest effort is her most eclectic and colorful mix yet.

“S&M,” the album’s leading track, could very well be considered a sequel to “Only Girl”–musically speaking, at least. Complimented by a loud, stomping chorus (“Na na na, come on!”) and an in-your-face, pounding beat, Rihanna merrily glides her way through the most popular fetish in pop. “Sex in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it,” she taunts while putting on her best Dita face. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me!”

“Erotica” it is not, but as a whole “S&M” provides for one of the most fun uptempo tracks Rihanna’s provided since the days of “Disturbia.”

Whips and chains aside, the bulk of LOUD finds Rihanna returning to her roots in a series of mid-tempo grooves.

Perhaps nowhere is RiRi’s essence more strongly represented than with “Man Down,” the reggae-infused confessional co-penned along with fellow Barbadian chanteuse, Shontelle. Working on top of a breezy, rasta groove, Rihanna slowly recounts the deadly details of the man she shot down dead. As the song’s murderous plot develops, so too does Rihanna’s delicious Bajan accent, unleashing full-on once the bridge rolls around: “Why deed I pull dee treeguh, pull dee treeguh, pull dee treeguh, BOOM!”

Elsewhere on the record, the singer lets herself further unwind: “Cheers (Drink To That),” which jarringly samples the yelping core of Avril Lavigne‘s “I’m With You,” finds the Bajan princess putting her middle finger up for a round of booze in this hazy, R&B mid-tempo. “Don’t let the bastards get you down,” she sagely offers above the song’s slow-churning beat, “Turn it around with another round.”

Filled to the brim with silly, carefree lyrics (“It’s getting Coyote Ugly up in here, no Tyra”) and drunken singalongs with friends, “Cheers” is a reminder that Rihanna is clearly not taking herself too seriously on this album. And you know what? That’s pretty damn refreshing to hear. (Pun overload?)

The fun reaches its peak with “Raining Men (feat. Nicki Minaj),” arguably the most anticipated tracks from the new record. As the two leading ladies of pop and hip-hop bounce back and forth on top of a spastic, siren-filled gritty beat (including a sample of children’s song “Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe”), the two take pleasure in cutting their suitors down to size: “And he sweatin’ me just cause I got the tightest hole,” Minaj shrieks, “But I couldn’t find that th-thing wit a microscope.” Burn!

For the record, the song also happens to feature the album’s greatest lyric as sung by–shocker!–Miss Minaj: “Laid out on the beach, they be feedin’ me my catfishes / ‘Cause it’s raining men…fat bitches.” Perfection.

Back when the album title was first announced, there was a certain assumption amongst fans that the album would be full of club tracks. In reality, LOUD has more than a fair share of emotion-wrought ballads, including “Fading” and “Love The Way You Lie (Part II),” her stunningly gorgeous, piano-led response to the incredibly successful summer collaboration with Eminem.

The biggest and most impressive of the slower numbers, however, is “California King Bed,” an agonizing belter that might be one of Rihanna’s best vocal performances yet. Though she’s never been known for being a skilled vocalist, the singer absolutely nails it with this cut: “In this California king bed, we’re 10,000 miles apart” she cries out in her biggest break-up ballad since Rated R‘s “Russian Roulette” and the deeply underrated album track, “Fire Bomb.”

And while Rated R may be a thing of the past, the murkier melodies from the last record haven’t disappeared entirely. No more is the bridge between Rated R and LOUD more clearly established than with the singer’s current #1 smash single, “What’s My Name?”

The Ester Dean-penned song effortlessly intertwines the darker synthesized beats of Rated R with the steady, cool Caribbean grooves of LOUD: “Hey boy, I really wanna see if you can go downtown with a girl like me,” Rihanna taunts across the slow, swaying chorus. Like the moodier continuation of “Rude Boy,” “What’s My Name?” is probably Rihanna’s most effortless and obvious #1 singles yet–certainly a crowning achievement of the record.

Toward the end, LOUD completely diverts off-course with its most intriguing offerings.

“Complicated,” one the several highlights of the album, finds the singer delivering one of her most straightforward, soul-bearing performances yet: “‘Cause every minute you start switching up, and you say things like you don’t give a fuck,” Rihanna laments above the song’s chilly, stinging electronic beat. As Rihanna unfolds, so too does the beat, progressing into full on, storming dance pulsations. “Why is everything with you so complicated?” she howls. An incredible track, for sure.

“Skin,” on the other hand, finds Rihanna playing the part of Janet with her most mature cut yet: “No heels, no shirt, no skirt / All I’m in is just skin,” the singer purrs above the song’s naughty, slow-grinding beat. Cue an extended electric guitar solo and some heavy panting and moans, and you’ve got yourself a new addition to the baby makin’ playlist. Not that…people have those. Anyway.

Is LOUD Rihanna’s strongest album to date? No. It contains neither the cohesion and complexity of Rated R, nor the radio friendly, mega-smash hits of Good Girl Gone Bad. That being said, is it just as good as anything else she’s released? You bet–and then some.

From the cocky come-on’s of “What’s My Name?,” to the bratty “So long, bye bye” in “Fading,” everything about this record is completely authentic to Rihanna as an artist. There are no overarching artistic statements being made, nor does the record feel like a collection of strategically selected songs with radio play solely in mind.

LOUD is, quite simply, about letting loose–the most befitting celebration of Rihanna’s legacy yet.

LOUD will be released on November 16. (iTunes)

YAY! Time for new Keri Hilson!

The video for “Pretty Girl Rock” has just debuted, Miss Keri Baby’s second single from her upcoming sophomore album, No Boys Allowed. (WATCH)

With a concept similar to the iconic Pepsi Generation commercial by Godney, the underrated songstress cycles through the decades to pay tribute to some of the finest leading ladies in the industry: Donna Summer, Janet Jackson, TLC–they’re all here. (And fabulously spot-on, no less!)

I absolutely adore this clip.

On a side note, that opening lyric (“My name is Keri, I’m so very / Fly, oh my, it’s a little bit scary”) has been stuck firmly on repeat in my brain for several hours now. Make it stop. MAKE IT STOP!!!

“Pretty Girl Rock” was released on October 12. (iTunes)

No Gravity is, in many ways, a fitting title for a record so lacking in terms of marketing.

So much has happened in the world of Shontelle that has restricted the Bajan songstress from being presented in a clear and consistent fashion to a mainstream audience: Release date push backs, little to no PR, a sloppy official website, the release of a single that isn’t even on the album–it’s safe to say the No Gravity campaign was (and is) truly without ties to keep it grounded.

That being said, it’s the music that really matters, and this is a record worth owning.

No Gravity contains an intriguing and seemingly unrelated mix of hit-makers–ranging from Darkchild and The Smeezingtons on the production side to Bruno Mars, Arnthor Birgisson (Britney’s “Out From Under”) and Shontelle herself on the writing side, as well as two features by of-the-minute rappers, Pitbull and Asher Roth.

Despite its lead single being a power ballad (“Impossible,” which managed to climb to #13 on the Billboard Hot 100 in August), No Gravity is, by and large, an up-tempo pop/dance record–even when least expected.

Case in point: The album opening track (and current/alleged single), “Perfect Nightmare.” Opening as an overwrought piano power ballad, the song is not initially impressive. “Sometimes I hate, sometimes I love, sometimes I hurt, sometimes I don’t,” she croons, resembling a sappy cover of Britney’s already sappy “Sometimes.”

It isn’t until the unexpected leap into its own chorus (“When will I wake up and scream, ‘NO WAY! NO WAY! NO WAY!”) that the song completely throws itself for a loop (and into something amazing), charging into a full-on, four-to-the-floor charging beat that refuses to let go. When all is said and done, “Perfect Nightmare” stands as a completely praise-worthy dance anthem.

While there’s no one song that immediately screams “chart topper,” there’s still plenty to love here, including the thumping “Helpless,” the electric guitar-led break-up ballad “Say Hello to Goodbye” (which oddly brings to mind Joan Osborne‘s “One of Us”), and a personal favorite: “Love Shop.” Like a lightly island-tinged interpretation of Janet Jackson‘s brilliant underrated Disclipline track, “Rock With U,” Shontelle sweetly floats atop a cosmic, electro-tinged beat that flows throughout the track.

Other tracks seem poised to make an impression on the club charts, and certainly have the ability to do so: “Take Ova,” which is shockingly not about the process in vitro fertilization as I’d previously assumed, is perfectly suited to be pumped from the speakers of an overheated club.

“Assume the position, you’re going to have to step into the light,” Shontelle commands atop a hand-clapping, scorching beat. Copy paste any of Pitbull’s verses from one of the song’s he’s been featured on in the past year, and there you have it: IT’S A SMASH.

“DJ Made Me Do It” is another club-worthy anthem. Featuring an inoffensive rap break by last year’s flash in the pan, Asher Roth, the song meshes the carefree modern neo-soul styling of Estelle‘s “American Boy” with a more adventurous, rocky crunch a la N.E.R.D.‘s “She Wants To Move.”

No Gravity contains enough hook-heavy melodies to satisfy the cravings of both casual listeners and pop snobs alike. Even if the album doesn’t quite contain that one hit needed to compete in the impossibly insular world of American radio airwaves (“Impossible–SEE WHAT I DID THERE?), it’s still a strong body of work.

If you haven’t already, give this record a shot–you’ll be glad you did.

No Gravity will be released on September 21.

To preview or purchase music from Shontelle on iTunes including “Impossible,” click here.

Oh my word.

JoJo has unveiled the first song from her forthcoming mixtape (Can’t Take That Away From Me) on Rap-Up this morning, and it is HOT. FIYA.

“In The Dark,” which was co-written along with producer Jordan Gatsby, is a chilly, slow-burning grinder with enough sax appeal to be safely declared one of the sexiest things I’ve heard all summer.

I mean, what with all those whispered coos and heavy breathing throughout the bridges and chorus? CHILD, PLEASE. “I only know him in the dark,” JoJo croons to pleasurable new heights as the chorus bass beats grind and swirl against a minimal twinkling of bright piano.

The track is also heavily processed, but with that kind of intentional robot warble that says to the listener, “LOOK HERE. This is just for a cool, spacey effect. Not to mask a bad voice.” Besides, we all know JoJo can blow, so don’t get butthurt about it.

But seriously, how sick is this beat? OOF!

For fans of chilly urban a la Cassie‘s “Me & U,” Miss Janet‘s best booty jams, and any and all good fucking music.

Brava, JoJo.