Joe Jonas–perhaps better known ’round these parts as my future husband (TO THE LEFT, JOE MCELDERRY*)–will be releasing “See No More,” the first single from his upcoming solo campaign, on June 3.

From the press release:

San Diego, CA — Joe Jonas will release his debut single as a solo artist, “See No More,” on June 3rd. The highly anticipated debut solo album on Hollywood Records will be in stores on September 6, 2011 and will feature production by Danja, Brian Kennedy and Rob Knox. “See No More” was co-written by Joe Jonas and Chris Brown and produced by Brian Kennedy. The song will be available digitally for sale on June 13th.

“Working on this album has been a rewarding but intense experience. ‘See No More’ especially carries a lot of personal emotions with it and I am hoping people listening to it will get a sense of where I’m coming from with this new sound,” says Joe Jonas. “I’ve had an awesome team working with me on the music and I am excited, anxious, but more importantly… ready… to share it all with my fans. It’s as much for them as it is for me.”

Brian Kennedy is responsible for producing some majorly MuuMuse Approved favorites, including Rihanna‘s “Disturbia” and “Fire Bomb,” Chris Brown‘s “Forever,” BoA‘s “Obsessed” and Jessica Mauboy’s “Saturday Night.”

“See No More” will premiere to radio on June 3, followed by a digital release on June 13. His debut solo album will be released on September 6.

After his album’s launch, Jonas will reportedly whisk me away to a castle in the countryside where we will eat Oreos together and pour boiling water on tweenage Jonas fan-girls attempting to breach the manor with pitchforks fashioned out of old issues of J-14.**

MY BODY IS READY.

*You can still watch if you want, though.
**MuuMuse Excluusive.

Still hot from the Internet-killing, bandwidth-shattering success of yesterday’s Top 40 Albums of 2010 list (including a most major of giveaways, in which I’m giving away ALL TEN ALBUMS that made the Top 10 of the list–you still have time to enter up until January 2!), I now present MuuMuse’s Top 50 singles of 2010.

There were a lot of good songs released during the year. A lot of them didn’t end up making the list. It’s entirely unjust and profoundly disturbing to think about, but what can you do?

I don’t feel like explaining my choices…SO I WON’T. Why? Because I am such a fucking rebel. GO TIME!

LET’S GO!!!1!!

MMPH.

It’s here, it’s here! It’s Joe McElderry‘s new video for “Someone Wake Me Up.” (WATCH)

Seems Cheryl Cole and my boyfriend are still in cahoots post-X Factor, as they’ve both gone ahead and released their drippy new videos on the same day! I’VE SPRUNG A LEAK.

Here are some other important things to know:

+ “Someone Wake Me Up” is a tie-in single with the release of Narnia: Voyage Of The Dawn Treader. As a result, the camera rudely wastes precious seconds on some stupid kids and a lion running around some magical land when it could much more effectively be trained on Joey baby’s body (crotch-level preferable).

+ As one can plainly see, McEldreamy enjoys standing around dripping wet, much like how he shall greet me (naked) at the door of our palatial estate in Kensington after a long, soothing bubble bath to unwind after a sold-out concert in London. Which he will dedicate to me.

+ I have to go change my pants now.

“Someone Wake Me Up” will be released on December 5. (iTunes UK)

If you’re still itching to hear over-hyped mediocrity on record, Cheryl Cole‘s sophomore album, Messy Little Raindrops, hits the shelves today. Expect this to break sales records like the album’s lead single, “Promise This”–and all with only one actual good song (“Yeah Yeah feat. Travie McCoy“) on the whole entire CD! (Read the review now.)

But in case good pop music is more of your thing, here are two better options released in the last week: Joe McElderry‘s debut album Wide Awake and The Wanted‘s self-titled debut.

In an arena largely dominated by the ladies, McElderry’s Wide Awake isn’t just an incredibly strong debut for an X Factor alum, but a well-crafted, impressive pop collection from the male perspective. Highlights include the brooding “Until The Stars Run Out,” the swaggering “Love Is War,” and the Scissor Sisters-esque, falsetto-heavy glee of “Real Late Starter” and “Fahrenheit.” Not to be missed! (Full disclosure: We’re basically dating.) (iTunes UK)

Despite all the stereotypes that come into play when dealing with boy bands, The Wanted’s self-titled debut is loaded with sophisticated tunes, heartbreaking melodies and soulful harmonization. Along with the group’s massively successful lead single “All Time Low,” the album’s best moments–including the impossibly catchy “Replace Your Heart,” “Made,” and the incredibly vulnerable “Hi and Low”–prove that this 21st century upgrade of the ’90′s boy band has much more to offer than predictable pop gloss. (iTunes UK)

There we go: Now you have some better music to listen to.

My boyfriend*, Joe McElderry, has learned how to ride a unicycle. (VIDEO)

I have never been so aroused as I am in this moment.

*He is not actually “aware” of this (yet).

I like everything about this situation.

Yesterday, the love of my life* Joe McElderry performed his still amazing debut single, “Ambitions,” on the X Factor results show.

*Yes, we’re an item (in my mind BUT SOON HIS AS WELL), and if you haters don’t like it, well…in the legendary words of B. Scott: Ho, have a seat.

Aside from delivering a solid vocal performance on par with the actual recording, McEldreamy (DO YOU SEE WHAT I JUST DID THERE) and about eighty thousand dancers brought much of the song’s music video to life on stage, including the overly joyous choreography (mercifully not too much) and those soul-searching deep stares into the camera that had my knees a-bucklin’ a few weeks ago.

It was a splendid affair; one that no doubt brought tears to the eyes of former mentor/baby mama, Mizz Chezza Cole (aside from the slightly embarrassing lift-into-the-stars at the 2:45 mark which we’re not talking about ever again).

With this performance under his belt (which funnily enough is where I’d like to be as well), McElderry is almost destined to rocket to the number one position on the UK Singles Chart next week.

“Ambitions” is released today in the UK. (iTunes UK)

The video for X-Factor winner Joe McElderry‘s debut single “Ambitions” has arrived. It is both (A) glorious and (B) stunning.

Now here is an objective account of the various things that happen in the video:

+ First we have Joe looking flawless and gorgeous, like a sweet, beautiful angel sent from Heaven on a mission to capture my heart.

+ Then there’s something dancing the streets that doesn’t make much sense at all for the song, but it sure looks like everyone’s having an absolute blast.

+ Then there’s a moment where the boy drops all these papers and so Joe comes over to pick them up, and you think to yourself while you’re watching alone in the dark “OH MY GOD. Is this it? Are they going to make out?! He’s smiling–they’re totally–OH MY GOD. I think they’re going to make out! Is this about to be a major moment in pop his–” and then the boy stands up and throws the papers all over Joe in some weird sort of celebratory moment.

So self-defeating. Why’d you pick them up in the first place, asshole?

And then there’s that extended final glance at the video’s end. Deep and searching, as though he were piercing STRAIGHT INTO YOUR SOUL with his Adonis-like face.

Don’t worry, Joe…you and I both know who that look is reserved for.

And there you have it: An objective review of the musical video for “Ambitions.”