Disclaimer: I really can’t with Katy Perry, so prepare to sip on some serious haterade.

Earlier today, Professional Plastic Bag Kitty Purry unveiled the teaser trailer for “The One That Got Away,” her eleventy millionth single off of 2010′s Teenage Dream.

As you can see/hear, there’s a lot of dramatic narration. Something vague about losing someone, or love, or the past being like a handful of dust or some shit. But Katy looks so happy with her man! Yes! They’re dancing around, all merry and whatnot! But then, uh oh! Things seem to be going awry! She looks sad now. Like, rill sad, y’all. Fuck, they’re fighting! OOF. Something tells me all’s not well with this relationship.

But wait, doesn’t something feel astonishingly, err…familiar about this?

OH, RIGHT: BECAUSE IT’S LITERALLY
THE SAME VIDEO AS RIHANNA‘S “WE FOUND LOVE.”

Narratively speaking, cinematographically speaking…it’s just a shameful “We Found Love” regurgitation, except rather than starring an objectively bad-ass bitch Illuminati Princess, it features the blow-up doll that brought us such stereotype-affirming classics as “Ur So Gay” and “I Kissed A Girl.” (Nothing says we’re all fireworks inside like telling your effeminite boyfriend to hang himself with his H&M scarf, right Katy?)

All I can say is: God help this wretched woman if drugs shoot out of her breasts in this video.

As a reminder, Perry’s gone to #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 with all five of her Teenage Dream singles, thus tying the KING OF POP Michael Jackson‘s record for most #1′s from a single album. If “The One That Got Away” goes to #1, she will have broken Jackson’s record.

So before visiting iTunes, think about your life. Think about your choices, and think about the pop culture history you’d like to bestow upon future generations.

Thank you for your time.

Dave Audé is a name synonymous with all things dance.

From Coldplay to Britney Spears, Madonna to U2, Rihanna to George Michael–Audé has written, remixed and produced with the best of ‘em over the past 20 years, resulting in a formidable discography of literally hundreds of remixes and original releases.

His work can be found included in nearly every pop remix package of the day (recent releases include re-rubs of Beyoncé‘s “Run The World (Girls),” Lady Gaga‘s “Judas” and Jennifer Lopez‘s “I’m Into You), firmly cementing his role as one of the industry’s most consistently in demand producers.

A few weeks ago, I got the opportunity to speak with Audé as he prepared to head into the studio with singer Sisely Treasure, formerly of both Cooler Kids and Shiny Toy Guns (who I also spoke to briefly!)

We talked at length about the state of dance music today–including current trends like dubstep–as well as many of Audé’s successes over the past 20 years, including the highs (Sting, t.A.T.u.) and the sorta-kinda highs (Madonna was “a weird moment.”) There was also ample talk about Selena Gomez.

There is even–in what was undoubtedly my greatest, MuuMuse-iest journalistic moment to date–a point at which I interrupted the prolific producer mid-sentence as he began to discuss John Lennon‘s musical impact to ask about his work with Nicole Scherzinger.

You’re welcome.

Read on…

OH MY GOD IT’S THE SECOND COMING OF ALY & AJ*.

Just kidding. Nobody will ever be able to compete with Aly & AJ.

But if someone was going to try, it might as well be Destinee & Paris, a fresh teen pop duo who recently seceded from their parent group, the legendary Clique Girlz. This stellar pedigree should be enough, but it doesn’t hurt to note that Destinee & Paris are also effortlessly hot (in the way that gorgeous blond sisters so frequently are — see Nervo for more). One has beachy waves; one has blunt cut bangs. (I can’t tell them apart yet; this has not inhibited me from enjoying their music.)

More importantly, their first single, “True Love,” is actually a delicious pop nugget. Produced by Rami, Carl Falk, and Swedish House Mafia’s Steve Angello, “True Love” blends ambient-synth instrumentation with a crunchy, explosive singalong chorus — sounding, variously, like the best parts of Nicole Scherzyquittelephoninmehehehehehinger’s “Don’t Hold Your Breath,” Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream,” and One Direction’s incomparable “What Makes You Beautiful” wrapped up in one perfect little confection.

The video is more or less incomprehensible — the narrative is quite muddled, but I think it’s vaguely nautical, and there’s umbrellas and bright colors and hot boys in tank tops and cute choreography, and overall I’m not mad about it.

Also, Destinee & Paris hang out with JoJo, Literal Queen of Everything.

AND THAT IS ACTUALLY ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT DESTINEE & PARIS.

*78violet

Sam Lansky is a contributor to MuuMuse.

As the countdown trails to zero and the lights plummet into total darkness, the screen above the stage fills with the image of Spears–the Femme Fatale. Brandishing a gun, she feverishly bolts past security cameras; her signature blonde locks bobbing up and down as she scales barbed-wire fences and shoots at her pursuers as only a true Badassney could.

She is escaping–running away from a S.W.A.T. team, while deliciously dolled up in a full glitz outfit. (Don’t all super sexy assassins incorporate a little glitter into their wardrobe?)

Ultimately she’s caught at some point and wrestled to the ground, kicking and screaming all the way down. But as she’s unwillingly slammed over the hood of a police car, she glares mischievously into the windshield at us and purrs seductively: “I’m not that innocent.”

Just at that moment, the screens above the stage immediately begin to split in half and smoke pours from within as the Holy Spearit herself comes rolling in on a giant metal “Hold It Against Me” platform. Glittering, though still to dark to see her, she stands locked and loaded–awaiting the moment as the driving beat starts to pulsate through the arena. And then, although no one could possibly hear it above all the shrieking, she fires: “Hey, over there…”

Would you hold it against me?

Earlier this morning, MTV announced the addition of a brand new socially-concious category to the 2011 Video Music Awards: “Best Video With A Message.”

The nominees for the award–from the network that brings you Jersey Shore and 16 and Pregnant–include Lady Gaga‘s “Born This Way,” Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful,” Katy Perry‘s “Firework,” Taylor Swift‘s “Mean,” Eminem‘s “Love the Way You Lie (feat. Rihanna),” P!nk‘s “Fuckin’ Perfect” and Rise Against‘s “Make it Stop (September’s Children).”

As you can tell from the list of candidates, it’s kind of–err, lacking in places. MAJORLY.

To remedy this situation, I’ve gone ahead and spotlighted four of the most glaring snubs. With any luck, I’ll have shed some light on why these four deserving titles should be receiving as much praise and recognition as any other “It Gets Better” PSA–I mean music video.

You’re welcome in advance.

Read more »

Another year, another MTV Video Music Awards, which means it’s time for a whole ‘nother round of Kanye rage and death threats from Britney stans demanding to know whether or not she’ll be performing this year.

But before we get into that whole mess–it’s the nominees for the 2011 MTV VMAs!

Last night, MTV opened up the vote for the 2011 MTV Music Video Awards. And almost just as quickly, the tweets began to fill up my timeline with various outbursts and damning remarks: #MTVFail! #MTVFail! So what’s got everyone’s panties in an Ashley Tizzydale? Let’s see who made the cut…below the cut.

Read more »

I like my Kelly Clarkson the way French people like their steak: raw, bloody, and vulnerable.

Let’s face it: she releases her best material when Clive Davis isn’t acting like Mary fucking Poppins and trying to force spoonfuls of sugar down her throat. He is to her what Sam Lutfi was to Britney Spears or what Kalteen bars were to Regina George: the catalyst for an all around disconnect from personal reality (with a side of dramatic weight gain).

Kelly’s greatest work will unarguably forever be her third studio album, My December (I say unarguably because if you even try to argue this with me, just know that you’ll go down faster than Bionic’s album sales). That record featured truly heart-wrenching, beautiful and honest tracks like “Maybe” and “Sober,” dark and hurt songs like “Haunted” and “Irvine,” and the vindictively delicious slash-your-ex’s-tires-anthem “Never Again.”

The entire album was (while not commercially viable) completely flawless. Why? Because Kelly had full artistic control. It was her baby. The aural transcript of her attempting to cope with and move past the tremendous suffering her heart had been through.

Then, like a venomous spider, RCA Music Group CEO Clive Davis came crawling around to suck the life out of Kelly’s artistic integrity. Since My December did not perform nearly as well as Kelly’s previous album (2004’s Breakaway), he had her relinquish her reigns of control and tried to revamp her image to be more of a sugarcoated and generic bubblegum pop star.

The result? The spitefully titled All I Ever Wanted, featuring such inauthentic tracks as the Katy Perry-written “I Do Not Hook Up” and Beyonce’s horcrux, “Already Gone”. Even the album artwork was a slap in the face to Kelly. Gone was the lady in the red dress perched on a Tim Burton-esque staircase and in her place was the sad-eyed product of a brutal industry, posing in a leather jacket amidst a recycled backdrop from Britney’s Blackout album.

But then something miraculous happened. Tracks and demos from Kelly’s upcoming fifth album (set to be released this fall) started leaking online. Songs like “Let Me Down” and “I Forgive You” had Kelly returning to the dirty grunge of My December while songs like “What Doesn’t Kill You” blended that sound with the commercial dance-pop elements of her more mainstream hits like “My Life Would Suck Without You.” Could it be that Kelly’s new record will finally be a happy merging of her white and black swans?

It seems like all the signs are pointing to yes. The strongest example of this comes in the form of the leaks’ strongest track, “Dark Side.” The song opens with a soft jewelry box introduction, followed by the entrance of Kelly’s subdued vocals. This seemingly mid-tempo number, however, takes a sharp turn as it reaches its fast-paced, rocking, power-pop chorus.

“Everybody’s got a dark side / Do you love me? / Can you love mine? / Nobody’s a picture perfect/ But we’re worth it/ You know that we’re worth it / Will you love me / Even with my dark side?” Kelly belts over slick guitar riffs, pounding percussion and the slightest pulse of dance beats.

Lyrically, “Dark Side” is reminiscent of previous gems in Kelly’s repertoire such as “Can I Have A Kiss,” “Empty As I Am” and “Don’t” – all of which are self-aware songs about her looking for someone to love her despite her flaws. Musically, the track is composed of the soaring and triumphant pop/rock that made songs like “Since U Been Gone” and “Behind These Hazel Eyes” such standout smashes.

With “Dark Side,” it seems like divided Kelly-aholics can finally meet halfway. On one side, you can cry, rip up old pictures of an ex and scream-sing until your face is an unnatural shade of red. While on the other side, you can throw your hands up in the air and make like Paula Abdul by dancing like there’s no tomorrow. For the first time, it’s a win/win for both sides of the Clarkstan spectrum.

If the songs that have surfaced online are truly an indication of the direction Kelly Clarkson’s next album is going in, I am nothing but confident that it will be the best release of the year (yeah, I went there). While I understand that My December will never happen again, I believe that “Dark Side” is the closest we’ll ever get to it – and that makes it easily the most refreshing and exciting song I’ve heard in months.

If you’re like me, you spend a majority of your night lying awake in bed wondering aloud: “What are the Spice Girls doing with their lives right now?”

Well, Victoria‘s busy being flawless and pushing out babies named after magazines and fashionable jeans. Mel B is busy being pregnant, Emma‘s being mommy-like and hosting radio shows, and Geri‘s busy getting her biddies out with both an upcoming bikini line and new music. (Which of the two will burst out first? Who knows!)

As for Melanie C? She’s about to release her fifth studio album, The Sea.

After the quiet release of the (very good) “Rock Me” in June as an official tie-in with the 2011 FIFA Women’s World Cup (keeping it Sporty, always!), the singer has come rocketing back with the (amazing) official lead single from the campaign: “Think About It.”

Recorded with Adam Argyle (who also worked on Melanie’s last two studio albums) and Danish producer Cutfather (Kylie Minogue, The Wanted), “Think About It” might best be described as a perfect mash-up between “Raise Your Glass,” “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)” and “Teenage Dream,” meshing the gritty guitar verses of P!nk and Katy Perry‘s rebel revelry anthems and mixing them up with the masterfully lush, dreamy choruses of Perry’s 2010 summer smash.

Is it the most original song? No, not particularly–it’s essentially the greatest parts of Teenage Dream. But one listen to those gorgeous, soaring vocals and pulsing summery synthesizers and you’ll likely forget that you probably heard this one playing on the radio before.

To order the limited edition “Think About It” CD single, click here.

The Sea will be released on September 4. (iTunes)