So since I’ve been bumping Real Housewives of Atlanta star/former Xscape member Kandi Burruss‘ new record Kandi Koated for some time now, I’m thinking it’s high time for a Muusing.

Although I admittedly fell asleep listening to the album for the first time during a train ride into New York last week, I’ve since discovered that Kandi Koated is a pretty slammin’ record when experienced consciously, complete with its fair share of tasty, R&B-coated (sorry, “Kandi Koated”) confections to nosh on.

(That the album cover looks exactly like the layout of MuuMuse is only an added bonus.)

There’s the inspirational anthems for the single ladies and baby mamas (“Superwoman”), the boner jamz (“I Want You,” “Give It To You”), devastation ballads (“How Could You…Feel My Pain”) and of course, more than a few cautionary tales about no good, triflin’ men. I mean…the woman co-wrote TLC‘s “No Scrubs.”

One such fable comes in the form of Kandi’s first single, “Leave U,” a velvety smooth, lusciously cooed ultimatum: “You got to keep it up to keep me around,” Kandi warns.

Along with the original version of the song comes this: The dance remix, a distinctly late ’90′s club-tinged take on the single. “SOMETHING FOR THE LADIES,” as the e-mail blast urges. Think Whitney Houston‘s “It’s Not Right (But It’s Okay)” remix, but…you know, not Whitney.

While I wouldn’t necessarily call this one a full-on wig snatcher (we’ll leave Kim Z. to do the dirty work in that department), it’s certainly a groove, as well as a genuinely pleasant tribute to old school R&B jams.

DL: Kandi – Leave U (Dance Remix)

Kandi Koated was released on December 14. (iTunes)

As if this wasn’t already written in the stars, Kim Kardashian, known for having a giant ass and literally no other discernible talent, is now venturing into the world of music.

According to Rap-Up and TMZ, the reality show princess is currently cooking up some phat beatz with the otherwise amazing The-Dream, who has been responsible for such jamz as Mimi Carey‘s “Touch My Body,” RiRi‘s “Hard,” and Beyoncé‘s “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It).”

Now I know what you’re thinking: BLAH BLAH BLAH the music industry’s dying and these awful talentless reality trash-bags are busy sucking up studio time and spending their undeserved millions on producers to lay down tracks that no one will even hear rather than donating it to charity or something BLAH BLAH BLAH auto-tune rabble rabble can she even sing a note and what the fuck is a Kim Kardashian anyway, etc. etc. etc.

But now, consider the very compelling argument presented in Rap-Up’s article:

“Kim’s got a really good voice,” says one person who’s heard the material.

I’m already sold.

AND NOW, MORE COMPELLING EVIDENCE…COURTESY OF ME:

AMAZING.

AMAZING.

A-MAZING.

Thank you for your time.

Behold: The divabot–soon to be known as the greatest threat to the music industry since Napster.

From PopSci:

Using breath-analysis software and mouth-movement observations, engineers in Japan have taught a robot how to sing. The divabot, an HRP-4 with a creepily realistic tilting head, blinks and opens her mouth as she croons, even mimicking the facial expressions of the human singer.

Researchers used a real singer as a model, recording her every move as she sang.

Masataka Goto, who leads the Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology’s media interaction group, explains that researchers developed a software program called VocaListener to synthesize notes, and a program called Vocawatcher to analyze a singer’s facial tics as she belts out a tune. The robot’s head therefore follows the roll, pitch and yaw movements of the real singer.

Check out the above video to see the divabot in action: She sings! She dances wobbles! As you can see, Miss Robo-Thang is giving every other pop ho in the building a run for her money (yen?).

Sugary electro-vocals gleeful and piercing enough to make Perfume burst into tears? Check.

Minimal hip-swaying ‘dance moves’ sharp enough to snatch Katy Perry‘s tattered blue wig? Check.

And as for that impeccable stage presence? I’ll be damned if the gays in Camp Ke$ha and the Haus of Gaga aren’t already scrambling to Google “implant Auto-Tune into human brain” at this very moment.

In conclusion: Robots are taking over the world.

But what else is new? We already have a working model here in America–and she’s still going strong.

We as a society owe so much to Auto-Tune.

The audio processing equipment responsible for jump-starting the careers of such acts as the already irrelevant T-Pain and smelly pop sensation Ke$ha has granted us countless musical triumphs, including Cher‘s legendary comeback (“Believe”), Paris Hilton‘s shamefully good debut record, and of course, Heidi Montag‘s legendary feat in commercial floppery, Superficial.

It has also granted us a barrage of singles from blink-and-you’ll-miss-’em reality stars, especially from the truly delectable Real Housewives series on Bravo.

Following the success of her cautionary debut, “Tardy for the Party,” professional hit-maker Kim Zolciak has returned from the recording studio with another classic: “Google Me.”

Brave. Different. Iconic. All of these words fail to accurately describe the potential impact of Zolciak’s soon-to-be smash single.

“Click them keys and Google me,” the be-wigged mother of two implores of us in her electro-pop laced examination of the human condition as seen through the lens of a post-modern, post-prostitution whooah society.

At times, she plays coy; at others, she attacks: “Those other girls they want to be like me / But they’re just Barbies–all body, no brains.” At once, Zolciak both asserts her own independence as a woman while casting her own scathing criticism against those who put a premium on the impossibly artificial standards of beauty exemplified in popular culture.

While “Google Me” will no doubt go down as the “Imagine” (John Lennon) of our time, perhaps the most impressive part of Zolciak’s latest classic is the fact that the chanteuse’s vocal limitations actually manage to nullify the perfecting skills of Auto-Tune.

Yes, Zolciak’s half octave range defies the very capabilities of the vocal processor that has granted so many of the Black Eyed Peas‘ Bar Mitzvah stompers to pervade the popular music charts, proving once and for all that Kim Zolciak has literally the worst voice on the entire planet. Ever.

I’m afraid you’ve lost this time, Auto-Tune. There are just some atrocities that even your warbling robot settings simply cannot correct.

Kim’s management has been snatching down links to the song like mad at the moment, but you can currently listen to “Google Me” in full at Idolator.

(BUT REALLY, THIS SONG IS AMAZING.)

Yesterday, Britney attended the White Party in Palm Springs, an LGBT party featuring performances by Agnes and Kim Zolciak. From her Twitter:

At the White Party in Palm Springs. Sooooo fun!!! About to check out Agnes. -Brit

BreatheHeavy claims the above shot of Britney is her reaction to an emotional speech. Aww…

She later changed her outfit during the event which, if it were anyone else, might be considered odd. Since it is Britney, everything is all clear and we can all go on about our business as usual.

Click here to watch a video of Britney in action that consists of five actual seconds of Britney sipping a water bottle, followed by a full, terrible performance of “Tardy for the Party” by Kim Zolciak and a bunch of half-naked gays.

Journalism at its finest, E! Online.

Every now and then, there comes a time in our society when a song is released that changes the world.

This is one of those times.

Kim Zolciak‘s “Tardy for the Party” isn’t merely ‘just another dance song’–it’s a new way of life.

The song speaks to an entirely new generation of sound, crushing the formulaic robo-noise of contemporary radio while at the same time challenging notions of sexuality, conformity and racial tension.

If I were told to rank this song against all modern music, it would probably weigh in somewhere between John Lennon‘s “Imagine” and The Beach Boys‘ “Good Vibrations.”

THIS IS WHAT REAL MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE, PEOPLE.

For all these reasons and more, I am thrilled to present a delicious cut of the original, the Dave Wrangler remix. If you thought the original was good, check this bad boy out–there’s even sound bytes at the beginning!

DL: Kim Zolciak – Tardy for the Party (Dave Wrangler Remix)