It’s been a busy few weeks/months/life for the legendary Miss Britney Spears.
Last week, the sensual seductress took a quick trip to Vegas with a pocket full of paper and with no ultimatums on her (REFERENCE) to reportedly scout out the location for her rumored-but-true-so-just-tell-us-already-seriously Vegas residency, as well as attending a Shania Twain concert for a hot minute and partying it up at a Cirque du Soleil shindig with…David.
Madonna‘s recent arrival to the Instagram party has been delightfully weird, rule-breaking and, as is her usual M.O., rather iconic. (So much so, in fact, that each new upload seems to warrant another post here at MuuMuse.)
But in the past few days, the Queen of Pop has been doing more than just channeling Bettie Paige for Purim and stanning hard for Frida Kahlo, Marilyn Minter and Man Ray. No, she’s got something up her kimono sleeves: She’s going to tell us a secret — again.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year: A time when the promise of next year’s music still shines bright like a diamond, free of the crippling reality of weak lead singles, terrible cover art and devastating chart positions.
(Remember how excited we all were for The Spirit Indestructible this time last year? Eesh.)
There’s plenty of major albums coming our way in 2013 by both up-and-comers and veterans alike, so as I do yearly, I’ve put together a guide to some of the most titillating releases just on the horizon. This is the first installment–watch for the next round-up tomorrow.
I’ll be anticipating…
Happy November, Muusers!
Did you all have a spooky good Halloween last night? Did you trick and/or treat? Did you binge on lots and lots of candy that you stole from your little cousin? Are you still nursing your All Hallows Eve hangover? Rest assured: So are our favorite pop princesses–and they certainly came dressed to impress!
But just what did our ghoulish girls wear to ring in the creepiest, crawliest time of the year? Let’s find out!
Inside a sprawling chateau in Hollywood, the buxom blonde sits quietly typing at her 1996 IBM wearing a studded diaper, a crown and a sparkling corset.
“‘I’ve never done this sort of thing before’ says Harry, as he leans in and tenderly kisses Louis on the mouth,” Legendtina writes down in her Xanga. Flustered, she orders her assistant over, who waves a Bionic promotional fan at her face.
After a few hours, she minimizes the One Direction erotica she’s been feverishly writing and logs onto Twitter. Login: “TheRealXtina.” Password: “MariahCareyIsFat69besos.” 300,000 responses since 9 AM. Legend, she notes quietly to herself before clicking on the “@ Mentions” tab.
Suddenly, she spits out all of her wine onto the monitor.
Old Christina. Old Christina. OLD CHRISTINA.
“I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF THAT IS A MAN OR A WOMAN!” Legendtina barks, throwing her Bionic promotional chalice at her assistant’s face and launching into a uncontrollable yodel note that lasts for 17 seconds. “Returned?!” she yelps.
No, Legendtina. Ignore this lesser–you’ve got a decade of hits, she thinks to herself. It keeps getting better. “WHAT IS AN ARTPOP, EVEN?!” she screams.
After several hours, she finally collects herself: “Thank you fan, @LadyGaga,” Legendtina slowly responds–her fingers shaking with rage at the keyboard–”Do you make music too? Buy #YourBody on iTunes now! -XoXtina.” Sent.
She minimizes Twitter, takes a deep breath and launches iTunes. Carefully, she stalks the Top 100 music chart. “WTF is a Gangnam Style? -XoXtina” she notes down in her Stripped notepad. And then, there it is: “Your Body,” #4. A chill seizes the entire room.
“MAX!” she bellows, as her toddler comes wobbling innocently into the room. “LET US NOT FORGET: Who owns the throne?” she demands.
“You do, mommy,” he sighs. How many times must I validate this sad woman’s existence, he ponders to himself while looking down and flicking the Play-Doh off of his overalls. Quietly, he retires to the living room and–after glancing left to right–quickly bends down and slides his Twister Dance box out from under the couch. “Ready to rock da spots, Godney,” he whispers.
Back in the Back to Basics Study, Legendtina stares murderously at her bruised assistant. “Is there–is there anything else I can do for you? Do you want something to eat?” he asks, trembling. “Yes, lesser,” she responds after a while. “I want sex for breakfast.”
His screams are barely audible above the cackling as Legendtina reapplies another coat of Blu-Red lipstick.
“Your Body” was released on September 17. (iTunes)