Jennifer Lopez may not be giving Mademoiselle Gaga a run for her money vocally anytime in the next…err, forever, but she’s just thrown down the bejeweled gauntlet when it comes to product placement in her latest video.

Like Gagalita’s mini-epic-that-goes-on-a-bit “Telephone,” Jenny’s newest clip for “Papi” operates on a whole new level of brand-happy buffoonery, featuring like eleventy billion product placements, including Blackberry, PlentyOfFish, the Fiat and Crown Royal Whisky as though the mamacita’s gone twirling through the warehouse floor of a high-end Costco.

But you know what? We all know sister honey child enjoys stacking the paper on the daily (okurr, American Idol?), and I am not about to shade her hustle: Beyond the video’s steep price tag, “Papi” is a story. YES, A STORY: A ROM-COM! Well, sort of. Kind of like an action-adventure Rom-Com from Hell which finds La Lopez being chased down by dozens and dozens of lusty lovers after she, well…um, after she eats a cookie. A MAGICAL COOKIE!

Okay. You know, I’ll admit it: It was a teensy bit difficult for me to suspend my disbelief for this one. As someone who spends a good-to-great amount (and/or all) of their leisure time eating cookies and crying alone in their room while watching Britney: For The Record, I find it interesting that not even one man has jumped through a glass window to get a piece of me. Surely I’m just not eating the right kind of cookies? Yeah. That must be it.

OH, right: And there’s a pretty amazing dance scene in a parking lot. It’s both silly and fierce (sillierce), which makes it thoroughly hot and impressive…especially given the whole ‘She’s 42, y’all!’ thing. She can still pull off tight choreography!

ALSO: SHE IS SO FUCKING GORGEOUS AND FLAWLESS. I mean…I know I say flawless often, but like…THIS WOMAN IS FREE OF ALL FLAW.

Sure, “Papi” may not be the fierce lasers ‘n’ smoke club sequel to “Waiting For Tonight” that one might have expected from its pulsating beat, but it’s certainly fun and thoroughly amusing–and I’m always here for a pop princess who knows how to poke a little fun at themselves. MuuMuse APPROVED!

The “Papi” remixes were released on September 13. (iTunes)

And now: The 2011 MTV VMA’s Tribute to Britney Spears.

As with anything Spears-related, there was a whole lot of hype beforehand: Would Godney take to the VMA stage once again in a moment of redemption with a triumphant, show-stopping performance of “Hold It Against Me”? Would the stage be crawling with A-list pop stars paying tribute to Britney, including some weird, stupid Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez, Miley Cyrus 3-way action as promulgated by the overly horny rumor mongers of BreatheHeavy’s stan-o-torium, Exhale? No, no…there was none of that whatsoever.

After an awkwardly long introductory speech by Lady Gaga–I’m sorry, I mean Jo Calderone (which was more or less just a speech about Britney’s influence on, well, Lady Gaga), a tiny fleet of little ladies ran out to deliver their, err…homage: A dance!

In what must have been…oh I don’t know, approximately 45 seconds, the little girls served us their best Baby’s First Hip-Hop Recital moves against a turbo speed mega-mix of the teensiest sliver of Britney’s musical output over the past 13 years. It was pretty cute, aside from the unforgivable ‘sexy’ gyrations that would have Pedobear grinning from ear to ear.

But don’t worry: There’s more! Out trudged Gaga once again–sorry, Jo Calderone, ugh–to present the award to a beaming-but-clearly-nervous Britney.

I’m sorry, did I say present? I meant deliver the world’s most indulgent, annoying character piece (that mercifully carried on throughout the entire night!) while sneering, laying on gross flirty lines and giving Britney those incredibly rape-y bedroom eyes. Soon enough, the two awkwardly stood eye-to-eye, just about to kiss. But from somewhere deep within, Britney looked to the light and saw Jesus: She pulled away and rejected the Gaga, exclaiming: “No, I’ve done that already!”

Ha HA! So funny! Love you, Brit Brit! And then she took to the microphone and started…introducing Beyonce! Because apparently introducing Beyonce to the stage is the new acceptance speech! And then she…um, kept praising Beyonce! And then Gaga started talking about…Beyonce! And then everyone just sort of looked around…and then Beyonce took to the stage! And that was it.

Wait…WHAT?!

Now look: I’m not shading the little ladies that danced. Good job, girls! Good job. But as for the rest of this hot mess express: REALLY?! Of the entire “tribute,” 60% of the time was dedicated to Gaga’s showy performance as Jo Calderone, 35% an introduction to Beyonce’s upcoming performance, and 5% actual dedication to The Holy Spearit.

Simply put, there was no actual tribute to Britney during the MTV Tribute to Britney Spears. Sure, there were some little ones dancing to her videos, but that’s nothing I don’t already serve up on a nightly basis alone in my room in my underwear. A 30 second video message beamed in from Madonna or Janet Jackson would have been a hundred times more legendary, or even 10 seconds of Britney saying something about her decade-long career other than a humble “Thank you” and shout-out to Michael Jackson in between Gaga’s awful rambling. ANYTHING!

As a lifelong fan of Spears, the tribute was nothing short of an insult.

Later in the night, we would watch as Katy Perry accepted the award for “Firework” as the Best Video of the Year while wearing a giant yellow block on her head, thus–as I tweeted earlier–skillfully placing a giant fail-sized cheese cherry on top of this truly incredible shit sundae.

As Britney once said in For The Record: I’m sad.

Okay, so watching Lady Gaga waxing jazzy while playing “You & I” for her first 2011 VMA promos didn’t do much to get my rocks off, but her latest promo–which premiered during tonight’s Jersey Shore–is nothing short of hot, haute, hot!

Set to the tune of “Government Hooker” and “Heavy Metal Lover” (my two favorite tracks off of Born This Way, no less!), the clip finds the snarling vixen doing a bit of a mini-career retrospective at first: Going from button-up geek (Fame era Gaga with that lightning bolt!) to studded leather Born This Way chic after a brief seven seconds in Heaven (with Satan, I must assume).

From there on, Gaga gets her glam roaring full speed ahead in this unforgivably filthy romp filled with blood, fire and foot-high stilettos…oh, and a snatched weave in hand of course!

And just as with Brit Brit‘s phenomenal VMA promo, there appear to be some artistic comparisons drawn: Is that a clipping of pop art icon Andy Warhol laid on top of Miss Gagz? I think so! Ever the humble artiste, that one.

Me likey, me likey Mademoiselle Germanotta! I just wish there were an actual dirty pony getting hosed down, you know? Oh well. Can’t have everything…

OR CAN YOU.

The MTV VMAs will air this Sunday, August 28.

After a false alarm announcement of a MTV premiere on Thursday, Lady Gaga has unexpectedly unveiled/leaked the video for “You & I” today, the power ballad and fourth single off of her sophomore studio album, Born This Way. (On Madonna‘s birthday funnily enough, but let’s not get into it. Actually we can, but let’s take that offline.)

Filmed in the rural cornfields of Nebraska, the video dives headfirst into a hay-filled barn full of stripper poles, bathtubs, and medieval machinery. And, for their first ever video debut, “You & I” features two of Germanotta’s newest concoctions/alter-egos in the ever expanding mythology of the Gaga: Jo Calderone and Yuyi the Mermaid.

The video for “You & I” is kind of like the visual equivalent of turducken: A thick, juicy über-meaty treat (that, for many, will lead to higher blood pressure levels.) But like turducken, the video for “You & I” is…well, overstuffed.

As far as I can tell, there’s not a single consistent stream of thought involved in this gargantuan overproduction: She’s wandering down a beaten path. She’s being tortured. She’s dancing. She’s a science experiment. She’s getting married. She’s a mermaid. She’s playing a piano. She’s crying. She’s a forest nymph. She’s a he.

As if to make up for the non-event that was “The Edge of Glory”–a last-minute attempt after a video shoot gone awry–she’s gone ahead and stuffed every single facet of her artistry into the video for “You & I.” Wigs! Dancing! Piano! Sex! Love! Pain! Beauty! Ugly! Couture! Violence! SYMBOLISM!!!

Yes, there are plenty of opportunities to interpret deeper meanings within; to weave your own conclusions and craft your own story about the video for “You & I.” But at the end of the day–underneath the layers of designer wear, the beautifully shot cinematography and the carefully choreographed dance routines–there’s actually nothing happening.

The end result? A breathtakingly gorgeous, visually scrumptious series of avant-garde vignettes. But as for a lasting impression, any take away meaning or emotional connection whatsoever? I’m sorry…I’m left dancing in the dark.

“You & I” will be released in August. (iTunes)

After months of promo photos and behind-the-scenes teasers, the time has finally come for Maroon 5 to unveil the long-awaited clip for the band’s breezy summertime smash, “Moves Like Jagger,” featuring the dulcet tones of flawless legend diva icon goddess, Christina Aguilera.

So how is it? Err…better heard than seen, to be quite honest.

The song’s accompanying video, directed by Britney‘s “Hold It Against Me” director Jonas Åkerlund, follows a group of Mick Jagger impersonators showing off their best moves at an audition while Levine & Co. perform their latest hit.

Sadly however, the clip suffers dearly from the director’s signature breakneck style of editing. While more tolerable in his clips for Brit Brit and Gaga, the mile-a-minute cuts seriously grate quickly here, leaving me feeling queasier than Lady Xtina after one too many spins on her chair at The Voice.

I mean, it’s bad enough that the editing is so quick to begin with, but when there’s precious seconds of a perfectly shirtless Adam “Lick Me” Levine standing there going to waste in between blink-and-you-miss-it shots all those boring Jagger impersonators?! Now, that’s just cruel.

And as for Legendtina’s appearance? Well, it’s kind of just one big “OOF.” That HAT alone. Good Godney!

In conclusion: Far too many moves like Jagger, far too little shirtless Adam and flawless Legendtina. But the song is still a smash!

“Moves Like Jagger (feat. Christina Aguilera)” was released on July 12. (iTunes)

Watch The Throne who?

In what is objectively the most important coming together in the history of popular music since Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer‘s “No More Tears (Enough Is Enough),” Godney took time out from her Femme Fatale concert in Atlantic City last night to give a shout-out to “a very special guest” in the audience: Lady Gaga! (Fast forward to the 3:00 mark above.)

AND THEN, HEARING THE CROWD’S ROARING APPROVAL, THE HOLY SPEARIT DID SPOT THE GAGA IN THE CROWD AND BEGAN WAVING WITH GREAT FERVOR. UPON SEEING THIS, THE GAGA JUMPED TO HER STILETTO-ED FEET TO DELIVER A HEART SIGN AND DUTIFULLY BOW IN REVERENCE, TO WHICH THE GREAT GODNEY DID RESPOND WITH AMPLE AMOUNTS OF BLESSED AIR KISSES.

EDIT: AND THEN BRIT BRIT PUT HER PAWS UP. (:40 MARK.)

FUCKING BIBLICAL.

Now, please turn to page 116 in your Holy Scriptures:

The Godga also shall dwell with the Godney, and the Beysus shall lie down with the Rihsus; and the Ke$hus and the Cedric and the Floptina together; and a little Selegenda shall lead them. – Flopsaiah 11:6.

L’olam va’ed. Amen.

A few years ago, you could take a walk down to Bleecker Street and catch a show at a small venue called The Bitter End featuring back to back performances from two of Manhattan’s most up-and-coming artists: Stefani Germanotta and Lelia Broussard.

One would ultimately ask Cher to hold her meat purse and get blasted by Bette Midler for coming out on stage dressed as a mermaid in a wheelchair, while the other would be a final contender to be the first unsigned artist to grace the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.

On August 2nd, Rolling Stone will announce which unsigned artist will be the first to make the magazine’s cover – and the contest has narrowed its way down to two finalists. Will alt-rock quartet The Sheepdogs win or will the quirky Lelia flash her signature facial-warpaint on the most esteemed music journal in the biz?

If anyone is close to stealing Florence Welch’s crown as queen of the indie chanteuses, it’s Lelia Broussard. Ever since her most recent album, Masquerade, came out in November of last year, Lelia has exploded onto the scene. No, really. I challenge you to find a coffee shop, book store, or Forever 21 that doesn’t have her song “Satellite” (written about “a sad robot in love”) on constant loop.

On August 24th, Lelia will be performing a very special one-stop show at the Highline Ballroom in New York. I caught up with Lelia to talk about what to expect from the show, how the Rolling Stone contest has impacted her life, which one of the Spice Girls she most identifies with, and more.

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Well, Madonna may not be working with RedOne anytime soon…but Cher is.

The legendary entertainer took to Twitter early Thursday morning to announce an exciting “secret” she’d been waiting all of forever to tell her fans:

Just walked in from studio ! I Finished 1st track on new cd &……..”GAGA ” ” YOU ARE THE GREATEST THING TO ME “

Naturally, the general response was universal: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, CHER.

After a few more minutes, the icon regained consciousness/someone on Team Cher took control of the bejeweled Blackberry clenched between her hands and finished the thought:

It’s not a duet ! Who knows ? I Did Hold her “Meat Purse” haha! One can wish! It’s one of her songs & she & Redone gave it to me 4 my cd ! Wait ! I would love duet with GaGa, but She Gave Me GREAT Song & I’m beyond Grateful!!!! It’s called ” The Greatest Thing “

So there you have it: Cher has recorded a song with RedOne. Penned by Lady Gaga. And guess what? You can already hear it now.

This Lady Gaga demo–originally dubbed “The Greatest”–first leaked on the web over a year ago. And as Cher originally tweeted, the song contains the phrase “You are the greatest thing to me.”

Admittedly it does sound very post-1998 Cher, what with the overly Auto-tuned vocals and all. But…is this a good enough song for Cher? Is this real life? What is love? (Baby, don’t hurt me.) Okay, so…but…

Like Lily said: I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore.