I haven’t done one of these in a while (since Gaga’s ill-fated tour with Kanye, actually), so I’ve decided I should start this up again.

And now, a dramatic reading of what (I think) transpired at the creative concept meeting prior to the video shoot for Katy Perry‘s “Firework.”

Katy Perry: Thank you all so, so very much for joining me tonight to discuss the video concept for “Firework,” anonymous gays. NOW: WHAT IN DA FUCK WE GONNA DO?
Gay A: Right, I’ve got it. So for the opening scene, I want to see you in, like, a really yummy Gaultier gown running down an empty corridor with, like, a bunch of crucifixes and lubricant in your hands. Wait, scratch that. This has to be a really, really BIG political moment. I want you to be scattering flowers…on Harriet Tubman’s grave. No, wait–diamonds. And you should be crying, I think. Blood tears. And I think you should have the word “RACISM” tattooed onto one of your ass cheeks–but tastefully. Perhaps in cursive?

Gay B: No, no, no. Katy, look: This is going to be your big statement piece for the gays. This needs to be like an “It Gets Better” video mixed with Lindsay Lohan‘s “Confessions Of A Broken Heart” mixed with a late-night infomercial about impoverished Africans–but with more dudes making out. As long as the overarching message is tolerance.
Gay A: You mean like a more expensive, insane version of Christina Aguilera‘s video for “Beautiful”?
Gay B: I mean…if you want to be a dick about it Joshua, then yes. It’s not like anyone remembers who she is anyway.
Gay A: Wait. Isn’t this the same bitch who sang a song called “Ur So Gay” like three years ago?
Rihanna, on conference call: OOH, NA NA NA NA.

Gay C: Ladies, ladies…please. What we really need to focus on is where we can fit in some subtle Gaga undertones. Meat is purely a no-go, but I really don’t think the concept has been pushed to the absolute limit. Has anyone ever considered a canned meat ensemble? Spam culottes, perhaps? No, perhaps a turkey tunic–

Katy Perry: WHAT IF FIREWORKS BURST FORTH FROM MY TEATS?

Elmo: Oh heavens to Betsy, Katy. I really don’t know if that’s the best id–
Gay A: PERFECT.
Gay B: I LOVE.
Gay C: AMAZING.

Katy Perry: *Lactates whipped cream.*

And that is what (I think) happened.

I’m a big Lindsay Lohan fan. Massive, really.

I’ve got all the magazines she’s ever spread her legs for, held my own in arguments regarding her ‘acting ability,’ and even made my ex-boyfriend sit through I Know Who Killed Me. (Not the source of the break-up, though potentially.)

Obviously then, the starlet’s recent imprisonment has proven to be a deeply trying and troubling time for me. In what little free time I have between stenciling my “Free Lilo” tees for the Save Lindsay! Foundation (accreditation pending) and softly crying myself to sleep to the Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen soundtrack, I’ve also spent some time revisiting some of my favorite cuts from Lohan’s debut album from 2004, Speak.

2004 was a very strange and sexy time in my life. And by that, I mean I was just on the brink of getting my braces off.

Smack dab in the middle of my high school experience (forgive me for outing myself as a youngin’–my mother tells me I’m very mature for my age), Speak came only a few months after what would be the life-changing release of Mean Girls, a film that simultaneously secured Lohan’s status as a teen queen sensation and provided myself and a fleet of fellow young gays with a laundry list of potent quotables for the next half century. (“SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE,” “Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin,” etc.)

Speak is an underrated release, plump with single-worthy selections and infectious, post-Disney pop-rock stormers that cleverly mask Lilo’s single octave vocal range. Among the bunch though, there were one or two dark electro-tinged cuts that truly brought the album to the next level: “To Know Your Name” was one of them.

The song, which was penned by tween-pop production fount John Shanks (Hilary Duff, Miley Cyrus) and the annoying judge on the newer, jumped-the-shark seasons of American Idol (who sometimes also writes great songs), Kara DioGuardi, blew and continues to blow my mind (like cocaine).

Though she was still but a baby slut at the time, “To Know Your Name” is drenched in sexy. The story revolves around a mystery lover that La Lohan seeks to keep away from the prying public and those goddamn paparazzi (“Everybody wants to know our love / Everybody talks about our love”). The lyrics about privacy and love also seemed to speak to my inner gay, which was at this point in time now bursting at the seams to trip the light fantastic. Evidently, the same applied to Lindsay years later.

Apart from the somewhat obvious “rebel girl” major label tracks on Speak, the purrs and moans of “To Know Your Name” suggested much promise for Lilo to become a full-fledged electro-pop princess.

Now, as we read about the slow demise of Lindsay Lohan’s extended reign of terror–from DUI’s to questionable nail art–I thought it a good idea to reflect the better times instead: A time when the acting career was still good, and the music career was even better.

In fact, you could even call it criminally good. MUAHAHA.

No, but really…she gets to have a TV in her cell. She’s totally fine.

OMFGBBQ IT’S MILEY.

Ever since Madame Cyrus decided to spread her wings and take flight like a mighty (slutty) blue-footed booby, the hits just WON’T. STOP. COMING.

Case in point: “Robot,” one of the best songs from the young singer’s otherwise spotty album, Can’t Be Tamed. (Oh, right…here’s your album review: Love the bangers. Avoid the ballads. 3/5.)

“Robot” is delicious because it is (A) about being a robot made up of foreign parts and being stuck in the great machine that is the music industry which (B) is quite the popular thing to do these days in the age of ‘robot culture’ in pop what with Lady Gaga and Robyn and all which (C) is sung with the fervor of a Kelly Clarkson breakup song but (D) is essentially just a Lindsay Lohan track about ‘letting me live’ and doing the things I want to do and (E) is therefore wrought with irony as a major pop production with major pop producers and a mega pop superstar on a major label release which (F) is a bit like the idea behind Britney Spears‘ “Overprotected” or “Lucky” but (G) is sung by someone who doesn’t merit such a comparison so let’s not even go there.

In conclusion: EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SONG IS 100% AMAZING.

Thank you for your time.

I’ve been keeping an eye out for Sky Ferreira–the rambunctious 17-year-old L.A. response to Lily Allen–for some time now: From her manic tweets to the A-list producers she’s magically working with for her debut album (Paul Epworth; Dallas Austin) to the rather salacious photos (she’s 17!) posted while out partying with the likes of Ke$ha and Katy Perry.

Tonight, the video for her debut single “17″ has been released, and it’s really quite something. I can’t tell if the video events are entirely autobiographical, or if her current lifestyle is meant to mirror that which is being portrayed here, or if her life is just some strange mixture of both. It’s basically uncomfortable, un-sexy, and as awkward as the slightly off-ish melody of the chorus.

She’s certainly going the Lolita route for this release, almost like a scrubbed clean, 21st century pop upgrade of Fiona Apple‘s superb “Criminal.”

I just haven’t made up my mind as to whether Ferreira’s the real deal or not. Time will tell!

Look, I remembered to do this again!

Here are the top five tracks of the week–and yes, there’s a repeat entry from last time. Deal with it.

Merry Easter, Muusers!

MuuMuse Approved Tracks for the Week of April 5, 2010

5. Paradiso Girls – Patron Tequila
An older song, yes. The burst of warm weather this week had me longing for some summer jams. When will these ladies get their act together and release their debut already? “Who want to get fucked up?” you ask? I DO, I DO.
4. Christina Aguilera – Not Myself Tonight
Sometimes I think it’s shit, and sometimes I find it to be amazing. In the end, it’s all about “And if you don’t like it, fuck you.” Defiance is an automatic win!
3. Sophie Ellis-Bextor – Bittersweet
A true disco gem, both modern and timeless. It’s set to become the official MuuMuse summer anthem of 2010!
2. Lindsay Lohan – Stuck
Electro-rock mixed with somewhat prophetic, true-to-life lyricism? Perfect. Everything about this song makes me salivate for her scrapped third studio album.
1. Nicki Minaj – Massive Attack (ft. Sean Garrett)
It’s barbie, bitches: Coming through like a big rocket launchuh, my beloved is poised to sweep the floor clean with her militant debut single. We got tom toms over here BIGGAH DEN A MONSTAH!

PUT DOWN THE GOGURT AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN: LINDSAY LOHAN HAS NEW MUSIC OUT.

“Stuck” just recently premiered on the net at a celebrity-blog-that-shall-not-be-named. The song is the perfect bridge between the electro-pop sound of Speak and the darker, rock-tinged burn of A Little More Personal (Raw).

“I am stuck, stuck, stuck…I can try to run, but I am not allowed.”

Can you say stuck on repeat? BECAUSE I MOST CERTAINLY CAN.

MuuMuse is giving away ONE FOR LACK OF A BETTER NAME CD AND POSTER! To enter, send a blank e-mail to deadmau5@muumuse.com. One winner will be selected at random in one week (10/22) and notified immediately. Don’t wait–enter now! USA residents only please.

For Lack of a Better Name is Deadmau5‘s second studio album, a follow-up to his 2008 award-winning success, Random Album Title.

While Mr. Mouse, a Canadian house DJ, might be best known ’round these parts as one half of the collaboration behind Kaskade‘s genius “Move For Me,” he’s also an accomplished solo artist in his own right, spawning several Juno and Beatport Award wins, as well as a Grammy nomination for his remix of Morgan Page‘s “The Longest Road” in 2009.

“Ghosts ‘N Stuff,” the first single (and very first video for Deadmau5!), provides all the right “Stuff” to get into the Halloween swing of things: Mix some Hi-NRG organ synths, a pumping bass and a ~spooky~ vocal delivery thanks to Rob Swire, and you’ve got yourself a hit–not to mention the makings of a ridiculous music video.

Ever want to know what a night out on the town in the afterlife looks like? Check it out above–I think you’ll find a deeper appreciation ifor what a day in the life of Lindsay Lohan would be like after viewing.

The album is streaming in full at Deadmau5′s MySpace.

Purchase For Lack of a Better Name on iTunes | MySpace | Official Website

Slut.

I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.

But really: Trucks, boots, and underage chicks…FUCK YEAH, AMERICA.

This video is a bit low-budget for the Cyrus. What happened here? In my opinion, the fan vid concocted by the now internet-famous troop of gays is vastly superior.

Also, was anyone else reminded of the video for Lindsay Lohan‘s “Rumors” from time to time? I’m not quite sure why, but by that night scene at the 2:15 mark, it’s near uncanny. Perhaps I’m just getting my train-wrecks confused…