I’ve always been quite confident that Will.I.Am is on a personal vendetta to ruin my life.

From “Check It Out,” featuring Nicki Minaj & Cheryl Cole, to “T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever)” featuring Jennifer Lopez and Mick Jagger, to his own group’s illustrious back catalog, the Black Eyed Peas‘ pop incarnation of Satan has been serving up Auto-Tune slathered, mind-numbing, ear-bleeding, tinfoil-covered painful pop turds for seemingly centuries now.

But now, he’s really gone and done it.

In an interview with Capital FM, the “Boom Boom Pow” soul-sucker confirmed that none other than his own label’s ‘musical act’ LMFAO, the uncle-nephew duo with all the appeal of those two smelly distant relatives that you tried desperately avoid at your cousin’s Bar Mitzvah last year (I think your Uncle Schlomo went to Hebrew School with one of them?), have somehow dug their drunk talons into Madonna‘s massively anticipated Superbowl performance.

From Billboard:

Speaking to Capital FM about Madge’s halftime show, Will.i.am says, “I’m going to the Super Bowl this year to see my group LMFAO perform with Madonna.” LMFAO, who scored a pair of Hot 100 chart-toppers last year with “Party Rock Anthem” and “Sexy and I Know It,” are signed to Will.i.am Music Group through Cherrytree/Interscope.

The Peas star continued, “Check that out, Will.i.am Music Group is pretty freaking two for two…One year the Super Bowl, the next year another group part of the Super Bowl in collaboration with Madonna. That’s still happening.”

Look, I get what’s occurring: Relevancy is a factor for Madonna in 2012. LMFAO are ‘hit-makers.’ “Sexy And I Know It” is, like, a thing or whatever. Frat boys and Jersey Shore cast members are very much here for LMFAO.

But Madonna is different, okay? You can’t just pour shots, wear zany necklaces and yell some “WIGGLE, WIGGLE, WIGGLE, YEAH!” bullshit while farting across stage in a drunken haze and doing coke in the locker room off of a discarded jock strap.

It’s fucking MADONNA. Singer of “Live To Tell.” She’s not an irritating rash on the surface of pop music–she’s a masterclass entertainer, a storyteller, an ingenious provocateur that challenged the boundaries of shock and taste in a smart, thoughtful way. (I mean, she did give that guy a rim-job in the Sex book, BUT THAT WAS ART.)

There are so, so, so many other ‘hot’ artists happening on the charts right now that would have worked better: Rihanna, Drake, Usher, fuck, even Katy Perry. But LMFAO? I mean…is there no sanctity? Is there no respect? God?

This is simply a travesty: Madonna is the Queen. Who invited the court jesters? Music weeps.

On Wednesday, MuuMuse teamed up with HP, Billboard and Windows to give away a pair of VIP tickets to attend Billboard’s Summer Blowout yesterday in NYC, featuring performances by LMFAO and Swizz Beatz.

Now, we’re doing it up even bigger. Some might even say…THE BASS IS GETTING BIG-GAH.

It’s back-to-school season again!

Whether you’re embarking on fun and sexy new adventures in college, setting up your curling irons for beauty school, or just being a lazy failure in life and shipping off to some Ivy League medical school for the next eighty bazillion years, MuuMuse wants to help guide the way.

Therefore…

MuuMuse is proud to be giving away
one HP Pavilion dv6 laptop PC with Windows® 7.

Equipped with a crisp, vivid 15.6-inch HD display, Quad speakers, extra amps and Dr. Dre’s Beats Audio technology, the HP Pavilion dv6 is the complete entertainment powerhouse, perfect for seeing every flawless hair-flip and hearing every flawless beat while watching your Britney Spears: Live from Las Vegas DVD.

Plus, the smart new Windows® 7 technology will keep you connected at all times. Your social life and student life come together beautifully with the dv6′s sleek, portable design, allowing you to keep up with homework and take notes during class (read: obsessively check Facebook.)

To enter to win, send me an email at muumuse@gmail.com with the subject line “HP MUU” containing YOUR ideal back-to-school playlist, complete with 10 songs and an explanation of your collection. You can discuss each song individually or as a whole–doesn’t matter!

I’m looking for a creative, jazzy playlist full of pizzazz and personality. Make it spicy! Make it sexy! Make it full of Keri Hilson songs! I don’t really give a curr…just make it all about you!

A winner will be selected and notified on Sunday, August 21.

Entrants must be 18 or older. US residents only. Prizes and promotional support provided by HP. For more, read the Official Rules of the contest here.

Good luck!

And to stay in the know about upcoming concerts and new HP products, please “like” our friends at HP on Facebook.

SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS. ERRRRRYBODY!

On Thursday night, Billboard is teaming up with HP for Summer Blowout, a very special summer night out.

The event–which is taking place at an as-of-yet undisclosed location (you’ll need to snag the tickets in order to find out!)–will feature a line-up including Swizz Beatz and Cherrytree’s “Party Rock Anthem” hooligans LMFAO…along with a surprise guest!

Artist: LMFAO, Swizz Beatz, and a surprise guest
Date and Time: 8/11, 7 p.m.
General audience admission tickets are here: http://www.showclix.com/event/53777

What? Don’t keep you waiting? Well–alright, then! I’ll just give away a pair of tickets NOW.

MuuMuse is proud to be giving away one pair of
VIP tickets to HP & Billboard’s Summer Blowout.

To enter to win, follow me and send a tweet my way with the following phrase:

I want to roll VIP with @HP and @Billboard. Thanks, @muumuse!

A winner will be randomly selected and notified at 5 PM EST tonight. PLEASE NOTE: ENTRANTS MUST BE 21 OR OLDER.

So what are you waiting for? Hurry up and TWEET!

If you’re not already familiar with the musical stylings of Ms. Kimberly Cole, prepare to be schooled.

The former artistic roller skating champion (no, really–here’s the proof), former opener for acts including Katy Perry and LMFAO and one-fourth of soon-to-be pop group, Kimberlegend first struck it big last year with the release of “Smack You,” a feisty, bitchy electro-pop punch that found the California-born chanteuse talking trash and throwing ‘bows with some of the meanest hoes around. The full-on ‘tude track soon led to an official partnership with the Oxygen Network’s all-female, all-drama answer to Jersey Shore: The Bad Girls Club.

“Smack You” wound up traveling well beyond the Bad Girls Club promo commercials cycling on the Oxygen channel, eventually climbing to an impressive #4 on the Billboard Hot Dance/Club Play Charts last summer.

Following her lead single’s success, Cole then went on to release her debut record (and Oxygen Network’s first ever co-branded album) in December of 2010: Bad Girls Club, a sassy filth-fest of deliciously trashy, brazen electro-pop cuts about three-ways and vibrators. You know…only the finest things in life!

Now, the singer has taken a quick breather from smacking up bitches to jump into the studio with House DJ/producer Eddie Amador in order to cook up a brand new cut for 2011.

Kimberly Cole – Arrow Through My Heart (Preview) by muumuse

Click above to listen to an Excluusive 1-minute extended preview of Kimberly Cole’s new single, “Arrow Through My Heart,” which will be released in August 2.

The track finds Cole playing the temptress atop a searing, dub-laden dance floor throb. But don’t try and impress her with your money, ’cause she don’t want your dollar bills: “Give me something I can feel,” Cole cries out. “Push your arrow through my heart!” Bulls-eye!

After the release of “Arrow Through My Heart,” Cole will ring in a newly inked deal with Big Beat/Atlantic Records (home of MuuMuse fave Wynter Gordon!) with the release of her first major label single later this year.

“Arrow Through My Heart” will be released on August 2. (iTunes)

Clinton Sparks, JoJo & and DJ Eye.

Merry Friday, Muusers!

Radio DJ/producer Clinton Sparks has teamed up with drunk-pop purveyors LMFAO and the baddest chick in the game (JoJo) for an almighty new club anthem: “Sucks To Be You.”

While the bass-blasting beat isn’t all that different from your standard fist-pumping club affair a la Taio Cruz, Usher or Enrique Iglesias, “Sucks to Be You” benefits from a few extra cutting lyrics–including a wonderfully cathartic chorus (“I bet it sucks to be YOU!”)–that ought to have middle fingers hoisted in the air at every club across the nation this summer.

And while the mere inclusion of JoJo already makes “Sucks To Be You” an instant smash, it’s her gloriously stinging verse that truly takes the song to the next level: “Boy, you’re shit out of luck / You’re gon’ be sleeping alone,” the 20-year-old songstress bitterly croons as the beat drops low. YOU DON’T. FUCK. WITH JOJO.

Don’t like it? Well then…I guess it sucks to be you.

DL: Clinton Sparks – Sucks To Be You (feat. LMFAO & JoJo)

“Sucks To Be You” is featured on Sparks’ latest mixtape (My Awesome Mixtape), which is now available for free at his official website.

“Where da fuck is you at, ho?”

On August 5, the All Hearts Tour made its final stop at Webster Hall in New York City, featuring the Far East Movement, Dan Black, Kelis, and Robyn. I attended that concert, and this is what I have to say about it.

When my friend Eric and I arrived at Webster Hall around six, the bar was already full with waiting fans buzzing about. After claiming our free Cherrytree Records label sampler on the sidewalk (Natalia Kills! Agnes! Kelis and Robyn!), we quickly squeezed into the stuffed room, running in the moment the doors were finally opened to the crowd.

The priorities were immediately taken care of: “Don’t Fucking Tell Me What To Do” tee? Check. Front row positioning? Check. Camera settings test? Check. And so began the wait.

This happened. I’m still not sure why.

Almost immediately after we wedged our way into the front of the crowd–about three rows deep at that point–the tour openers came out in rapid succession. Far East Movement provided some danceable, LMFAO-friendly party anthems (perhaps a bit too similar in moments) and Dan Black his indie-electro pop anthems, I have to be honest: I was there solely for Robyn and Kelis. As a result, I don’t have much to say about them. Sorry about it.

Then came the ‘air situation,’ which will do me no favors in perpetuating stereotypes about Jews and the heat. While the AC seemed to circulate during the first two openers, it was painfully, disgustingly apparent that it had completely ceased by the time Dan Black and crew cleared the stage. It deeply displeased the gays.

“Bitch, get out here already!” whined one. “Someone turn on a damn fan!” came another. There was also my personal favorite: “Da fuck you at, ho?”, which resulted in a smattering of giggles each time. Despite the various attempts to fan ourselves and/or disrobe, the body glitter was fast beginning to drip down to the floor.

At around 8:30, the lights dimmed, the microphone glowed fluorescent, and Kelis took to the stage. The singer, dressed in a shimmering metallic blue one-piece catsuit not unlike her Sea Monkeys-inspired piece, smiled calmly and began to launch into a mini-monologue about tolerance and unity. I think, anyway.

Sadly, the crowd mostly drowned out her words. “I’m trying to get you guys to answer back,” she half-whined, laughing deeply and rolling her eyes. She returned to her initial point: “I will not judge,” she instructed us to repeat. “I will not judge!” The crowd responded. “…Because we control the dance floor,” she commanded. The crowd returned the call. She repeated it again; the crowd thunderously echoing it back. There. That was better.

Before the crowd could applaud their group effort, the grinding synthesizers of Kelis’ gay anthem, “Emancipate” rocketed into the venue, turning the entire floor into a ballroom of fierce poses and snapping wrists.

Kelis provided a powerhouse performance of sex, sass, and soul. Tackling some classics (“Trick Me”) and some covers (Ol’ Dirty Bastard‘s “Got Your Money”) along the way, the singer performed almost the entirety of her latest album for the crowd, including “22nd Century,” “4th Of July (Fireworks),” “Scream,” “Acapella,” and “Emancipate.” And, of course, there was “Brave.”

As you all might well already know, “Brave” isn’t just an album favorite, but one of my favorite songs of the year. So as the stinging electronic beats entered the speakers, I had what we in the industry like to call a “moment.” More specifically, I grabbed my friend’s arm–a bit too hard–and began jumping like a loon and lightly convulsing.

In contrast, Kelis played it stone cold cool with her delivery of the track, singing the song pitch perfect and stepping back during the song’s chaotic explosion of grinding synths to allow the beat to speak for itself.

“Milkshake” was, of course, another crowd favorite, made all the better (and gayer) thanks to a mash-up with Madonna‘s “Holiday.” “Work, bitch…WORK!” one group offered to my left. And so she did.

These hips don’t lie.

I’d like to take a moment to show some appreciation for Kelis’ hips at this point. Never have I ever seen a woman work and twerk her body the way Kelis did that night–shimmying and sashaying in a way that would have Shakira blushing.

By the time Kelis casually strutted off stage, the entire audience was consumed in a sweat, semi-stunned by the sheer energy of the singer’s performance. It was an incredible performance. How was it exactly that this concert was only halfway over?

After about a half hour of set up, the lights faded to black again. A voice-over began to announce Robyn’s arrival–sort of like an updated version of “Curriculum Vitae” from Robyn’s 2005 record. The lights began to flicker and the bass boomed, making the entire venue feel like a rocket was about to make a crash landing.

Out walked Robyn, or rather–strutted, with a cool smirk and a bossy swagger. As she took to the mic, a fat bass began to grind and electronic noises began to pulsate, prompting the singer to gyrate and moan in delight, punching the air with an energy that wouldn’t cease until the closing note of her set. And then she started to sing “Fembot.”

Gays: Do you know the part in Moulin Rouge when Zidler selects the Can Can as the dance of choice and the entire place erupts into a chaotic frenzy of dancing and screaming to the point where you couldn’t quite tell whether people were celebrating or going into epileptic shock? That was Robyn’s set.

The singer put on a show like no other, stopping just once for a swig of water and a quick sit-down in front of the keyboardist during a dance-laden set that lasted over an hour. Apart from that, she was a dancing fool; refusing to stop between songs. Instead of breaks between tracks she performed dance interludes, raging against manic strobe lights as though she were exorcising her demons for all to see.

The Robyn I saw last week at the iHeartRadio taping was hardly the Robyn on stage at Webster Hall this night. Growling, grinding, thrashing, and taunting, the singer was an unstoppable force of bossiness and brattitude. She worked the stage like no one’s business, often approaching the crowd (and myself) within an inch of touching someone’s outstretched hand, squinting her eyes and swiveling her head curiously. “Oh, what?” she’d mouth to the crowd member. “You want some of this?”

Perhaps the most impressive and awe-inspiring aspect of Robyn as a performer is her indescribable presence and performance quality. She weaves in and out of attitudes–at one moment sweetly chirping “Thank you all so much for coming tonight!”, the next, on the floor grinding against the stage and flipping the bird to the crowd. There is no other artist that even comes close to delivering the performance Robyn can with simply a mic and a stage alone other than Madonna.

The singer certainly stuck with the uptempo side of things, including the fist-pump friendly “Cobrastyle,” and her collaboration with Royksopp, “The Girl and The Robot,” delivered while basking in an eerie green glow.

Midway through her set, Robyn took a rare, highly deserved moment to herself as “Don’t Fucking Tell Me What To Do,” the intro track from Body Talk Pt. 1 and unofficial All Hearts anthem boomed overhead. The singer swung a sweat towel around her neck, and pulling out–what else? A banana. Literally right in front of me, she peeled and ate the banana, staring down the audience like a bad boss bitch. It was fantastic. I just wish she shared a bite.

Of course, there was her latest single from Body Talk Pt. 1, “Dancing On My Own,” which was performed to the pinnacle of perfection. The same fierce choreography, the same solid vocal performance. Nothing beats that moment when she steps away from the mic for a brief power snap backward–except, of course, the rapid-fire punch-the-air mania of the bridge. AMAZING. I just wish she’d punch out the mic again!

To my great surprise, Robyn also whipped out a treat from her self-titled 2005 record, an electro-enhanced re-rub of one of my favorite songs from the singer, “Who’s That Girl?” Donning a beret, the singer sauntered her way across the floor to the song’s killer beats, and, approaching the drum set, began furiously banging out a quick drum solo before throwing out her drumsticks into a swarming sea of wanting fans. Delicious.

By the end of the show, all sense of decency was out the window. Shirts were strewn and dangling as cameras, now visibly dripping and slipping between fingers, fought against waves of people thrashing to Robyn’s unbelievable performances. The entire venue was flailing and swaying–so much so that the floor below us began to wobble uncomfortably underneath our feet. Even the uptight, pretentious gay to my right with his hands folded that did nothing but sip a beer the whole night broke out into a somewhat vigorous head-bob. (But seriously, who does that at a concert? And in the front row, no less?)

After the show’s “ending” (there’s always an encore), Robyn quickly popped back onto the stage for two more songs: “Dream On” and “With Every Heartbeat,” two of her most anthemic tracks.

“And it hurts with every heartbeat!” the crowd shouted back breathlessly in the final seconds of Robyn’s set. With a final wide grin, Robyn held up her hands together to form a heart shape in between her fingers and thumbs. A thousand more greeted her from the audience, thus concluding the All Hearts Tour in the most literal sense.

When we somehow found our way back to the hotel following the show, we could do nothing but crawl onto the ground and moan in pain. As a famous Swedish songstress might say: My legs were killing me. My neck was killing me. My arms were killing me. It literally felt like I’d just gotten beaten up–and really, we did. Robyn and Kelis had sonically punched us in the gut, leaving us lying on the floor, panting and otherwise motionless.

Officially speaking, the All Hearts Tour was unmistakably, undoubtedly, and indubitably one of the greatest and most exciting concert experiences I’ve ever had.

Unofficially? OMFG BEST SHOW EVARRRR.

Many thanks and so much love to Muuser Eric H. for joining me for this most epic of adventures, as well as selected photos above.

Today, I graduated from college. I am operating on an hour of sleep, several slices of ice cream cake, and little else. I am physically exhausted and emotionally drained, but I wanted to do this anyway.

These aren’t all ‘current’ songs. These are the songs that have colored my final week in college, as well as the late nights spent pondering the future.

I love you all.

MuuMuse Approved Tracks for the Week of May 23, 2010

5. Alicia Keys – If I Ain’t Got You
A final sing-along night before graduation. Hitting those notes never felt so right (while still sounding so wrong).
4. Ester Dean – Drop It Low
Thursday night at Estate. Flashing lights, JuJubee and Jessica Wild, and the beginning of an incredible senior week.
3. Kylie Minogue – All The Lovers
On repeat again and again and again. Lush, soothing electronica to put me at ease in the late evening hours.
2. LMFAO – Shots
Hands down the theme song of my week. Boat cruise around Boston Harbor. Lucky Strike. Partying with the roomies. Make of it what you will, but I just can’t do anything without singing/fist-pumping the chorus out loud to myself anymore. ERRYBODY! So offensive. So mindless. So good.
1. Kelis – Brave
The song of the moment. It’s the most immense song on Flesh Tone (in my opinion), and my own personal mantra for moving forward in the world. Now I’m super strong!