Yesterday afternoon, my mother and I went to the movie theatre for a screening of the film Burlesque, starring Cher and Christina Aguilera.

Afterward, my mother felt compelled to write me an email with a review of the experience.

Here are her thoughts.

Dear Son –

Thanks for inviting me out for a lovely mother-son evening out. I have to say I wasn’t really too enthusiastic about seeing Burlesque – you know how I feel about Christina Aguilera and all. But I really couldn’t stand to see your mopey expression anymore, so I reluctantly agreed. OMG!! I laughed, I cried (mostly from laughing too hard). But admit it, even you laughed when I leaned over and said, “Do I smell a Razzie?” Really, have you learned nothing from the Free Willy debacle when you were four and we had to leave the theater? Quite simply, I lack the ability to suspend reality to the level required to sit quietly through two hours of bad acting and cliched storylines. Since paying attention to this trainwreck was not really an option for me, I occupied my time with random thoughts, or muusings, if you will:

1. Christina can sing like nobody’s business, but she’s a mediocre dancer – Britney would have done a much better job. (There, I finally said something nice about her). But of course since the whole point of the role was live singing, then its obvious why she wasn’t offered the role. (Mom giveth and mom taketh away!)

2. It would appear that Cher could match Chaz shot for shot in the plastic surgery department. I give the point to Chaz though because at this point he’s more believable as a man than Cher is as a 30/40/50ish femme fatale.

3. What is the point of Alan Cumming? I just don’t get it. Besides, he brings out my primal mothering instincts. I want to say, “Wipe that smirk off your face, mister!”

4. This movie was like an early Christmas present for Mariah Carey. Not only will it keep Glitter company in the bargain bin section of the video store, it’ll be great fuel if she cares to reheat her feud with Christina.

5. What are the odds someone would build luxury condos across from a ramshackle burlesque club and not take into consideration that someday it may be torn down?

6. Cam Gigandet should be in more movies.

I know you probably loved this movie more than you would admit to me. That’s OK, honey just remember what I told you when you thought you saw a snowflake as we exited the theater – “No dear, that was Liza Minelli’s frozen tears. She’s sad to see what happened to Cabaret.”

Love,
Mom

Like the Maggie Griffin to my Kathy, my mother is slowly but surely beginning to leech off of my hard earned e-celebrity status and steal away my beloved Muusers with her MamaMuuse review posts.

Nonetheless, I’ve allowed for another installment of MamaMuuse Presents.

Below is my mother’s actual e-mail response upon watching the Anthony Mandler-directed video for Christina Aguilera‘s latest single, “You Lost Me”:

Christina’s bitch factor went through the roof with the video you sent me the other day ["Not Myself Tonight"], so I have to admit I just plain don’t like her.

Although bitchiness is usually a trait I can relate to and respect, I still think of her as the slutty, dirty girl. And quite frankly, bitchiness without class is just bitterness. So how do I feel about the video? Meh. Or make that meh-a-meh-a-meh-a-meh-a-meh.

As always, her voice is flawless, but the song doesn’t really do it for me. The video itself started out as a Sealy Posturepedic ad and moved to the headless, faceless body of a man with more going on than The Situation. I guess I can see why she pushed him away – she’s got Jordan Bratman, that heaping helping of beefcake, waiting for her at home.

On the plus side – I love her new look (even if someone took advantage of Restylene’s Buy One Get One Free special). Now that, Christina, is the right way to be a bitch!

Now please, stop encouraging her. The fame is clearly getting to her head.

Oh, what? You want my opinion?

It’s nice. I think she looks quite gorgeous. Shame about those brief ‘thermal energy’ moments at the beginning, though.

In the second installment of what may very well become an recurring column here at MuuMuse, MamaMuuse sounds off about Sia.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for the below comments and/or criticisms. To dispute a claim, you’ll simply have to take it up with my mother. I can, however, confirm the claim that I am well versed in Play-Doh.

I said it before and I will say it again. Sia’s cover art is beyond shit. I know you said it’s supposed to be ironic, whatever the hell that means. (That’s what I get for giving you a fancy pants education).

And if they wanted to go that route they really should have contacted you. Now, you were a master of pipe cleaners, Play-Doh, crayons and labels. And if anyone wants to dispute it I still have your first grade artwork on display to prove it!

Thank you for your time.

And now, the long awaited, much hyped premiere of Ace of Base Lady Gaga‘s new video, “Alejandro.”

While at lunch mulling over my feelings on the eight minute Steven Klein-directed mini epic this afternoon, I received an e-mail from my mother with her own review of the clip.

Here now is my mother’s e-mail, who will heretofore be referenced to as MotherMuuser (or MamaMuuse, for short).

Madonna is going to be pissed to be ripped off so blatantly. Or shall I say one-upped….the nun’s habit in latex, swallowing a rosary, strategically placed crucifix and the machine gun bra definitely are signs she’s thrown down the gauntlet! Still love the song even if the video is just the 2010 version of “Like a Prayer.”

I kindly thank you for your time.

(And in my own summation: Gorgeous visuals, Gaga loves them gays, Madonnarama ding dong.)