Okay, SO: Y’all know Beyonce‘s current single–the power ballad, “Best Thing I Never Had”? Sewww good, right?

Well, guess what?

EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER KNOWN IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE IS A LIE.

Okay, well–maybe not that. BUT. The original version of “Best Thing I Never Had” is completely different from the final version that wound up on the final tracklisting for Bey’s latest studio album, 4. In fact, it’s even BETTER! (LISTEN)

Just this afternoon, one of the song’s main co-writers, Patrick “j.Que” Smith, posted the original mix of “Best Thing I Never Had” on his Tumblr with the following explanation:

I’m both thrilled & grateful that #TeamBey decided to make our song the single and it sounds awesome…. But, this is what the song sounded like when we wrote it! I like this version….. Mostly because it’s not a ballad. The drums from “The Show” are what made me write to this song in the first place! Enjoy!

While a song rarely ends up sounding as originally intended, it looks like the songwriters were really gunning for “Best Thing I Never Had” to maintain its punchier, rocky mid-tempo origins. And you know what? They were right!

The original mix is a much more lively affair thanks to a kicking drum sample from Doug E Fresh & Slick Rick‘s 1985 track “The Show” (along with those gorgeous piano notes in the chorus!), adding some good ol’ ummph to Bey’s scathing “I’m so over you now” delivery. Plus, those drums makes for the perfect segue in between the stomping sounds of two of the album’s most single-ready moments: “Run The World (Girls)” and “End Of Time.”

So, um…whuh happen? Sample clearance issues? Too much drum action happening during the final stages of mixing? Did Nick Cannon catch wind of Bey’s drum-happy dreams and start sending spiked samples of MiMi‘s Lollipop Splash Remix perfume set to the Haus of Beysus?

Mayhaps, mayhaps…

“Best Thing I Never Had” was released on June 1. (iTunes)

Rihanna just slayed your faves.

After snatching the #1 position on the Billboard Hot 100 this week with her latest single “S&M,” Princess RiRi just smashed a butt-load (note: industry term) of records.

From Billboard:

+ Rihanna bests the five-year, four-month span between current Island Def Jam labelmate Mariah Carey’s first (“Vision of Love,” Aug. 4, 1990) and 10th (“One Sweet Day,” Dec. 2, 1995) toppers to complete the quickest sprint to 10 Hot 100 No. 1s among solo artists. (Carey collected the first 15 of her 18 career No. 1s while signed to Columbia Records).

+ Among all acts, Rihanna trails only the Beatles (one year, eight months and one week) and the Supremes (two years, eight months and three weeks) for the fastest accumulation of 10 Hot 100 No. 1s.

+ Rihanna is additionally the youngest artist to notch 10 No. 1s in the Hot 100′s archives. At 23 years, two months and one week, Rihanna (born Feb. 20, 1988) eclipses the mark established by Carey, who was 25 years, eight months and one week old when she tallied her 10th Hot 100 leader.

+ Rihanna is just the ninth artist to total at least 10 Hot 100 No. 1s and the fifth solo female, following Mariah Carey (18), Madonna (12), Whitney Houston (11) and Janet Jackson (10).

+ All versions of the song, which claims the Hot 100′s Digital Gainer award and becomes Rihanna’s record-extending 10th No. 1 on Digital Songs, sold a combined 293,000 downloads, according to Nielsen SoundScan, a 108% increase over last week. The Spears-assisted version of the track accounted for 66% of the song’s overall weekly digital sum.

Plus, because of the Britney-assisted “Rih-Mix” released last week, Britney is now counted as a “featured artist”–meaning “S&M” also counts as Britney’s 5th #1 single since “Hold It Against Me”!

Now listed as featured artist on “S&M,” Spears earns her fifth Hot 100 No. 1 and second this year, following her own “Hold It Against Me” in January. She had previously reigned with her debut single “…Baby One More Time” in 1999 and returned to the summit with “Womanizer” (2008) and “3″ (2009).

In related news: National news sources are now confirming that the letting up potential for Rihanna’s reign has dropped from “not very likely” to “just won’t.”

Insane .GIFs courtesy of equally insane message board, ATRL.

BOW DOWN IN THE PRESENCE OF THE HOLY SPEARIT.

Britney‘s “Hold It Against Me” will debut at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart–her second song to debut at the #1 position! This is Godney’s FOURTH #1 single, following “3,” “Womanizer,” and “…Baby One More Time.”

According to the Billboard news article, Britney just smashed the following records and achievements:

+ The second artist in history (next to Mariah Carey) to debut multiple songs at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100.
+ The 18th song ever to debut at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100.
+ The highest female digital single sales debut ever, with 411,000 copies of the single sold.
+ Debuted at #23 on Radio Songs with 45 million first-week audience impressions, the highest audience sum and chart position for a debuting title in the chart’s history.

YOUR FAVORITES COULD NEVER.

2011: YEAR OF THE SPEARS.

Yesterday afternoon, my mother and I went to the movie theatre for a screening of the film Burlesque, starring Cher and Christina Aguilera.

Afterward, my mother felt compelled to write me an email with a review of the experience.

Here are her thoughts.

Dear Son –

Thanks for inviting me out for a lovely mother-son evening out. I have to say I wasn’t really too enthusiastic about seeing Burlesque – you know how I feel about Christina Aguilera and all. But I really couldn’t stand to see your mopey expression anymore, so I reluctantly agreed. OMG!! I laughed, I cried (mostly from laughing too hard). But admit it, even you laughed when I leaned over and said, “Do I smell a Razzie?” Really, have you learned nothing from the Free Willy debacle when you were four and we had to leave the theater? Quite simply, I lack the ability to suspend reality to the level required to sit quietly through two hours of bad acting and cliched storylines. Since paying attention to this trainwreck was not really an option for me, I occupied my time with random thoughts, or muusings, if you will:

1. Christina can sing like nobody’s business, but she’s a mediocre dancer – Britney would have done a much better job. (There, I finally said something nice about her). But of course since the whole point of the role was live singing, then its obvious why she wasn’t offered the role. (Mom giveth and mom taketh away!)

2. It would appear that Cher could match Chaz shot for shot in the plastic surgery department. I give the point to Chaz though because at this point he’s more believable as a man than Cher is as a 30/40/50ish femme fatale.

3. What is the point of Alan Cumming? I just don’t get it. Besides, he brings out my primal mothering instincts. I want to say, “Wipe that smirk off your face, mister!”

4. This movie was like an early Christmas present for Mariah Carey. Not only will it keep Glitter company in the bargain bin section of the video store, it’ll be great fuel if she cares to reheat her feud with Christina.

5. What are the odds someone would build luxury condos across from a ramshackle burlesque club and not take into consideration that someday it may be torn down?

6. Cam Gigandet should be in more movies.

I know you probably loved this movie more than you would admit to me. That’s OK, honey just remember what I told you when you thought you saw a snowflake as we exited the theater – “No dear, that was Liza Minelli’s frozen tears. She’s sad to see what happened to Cabaret.”

Love,
Mom

You know when you totally love a song, but then you’re all like “Oh man, what if this song were sped up with some BLAZING BEATS for when I’m working on my fitness and/or getting roofied on the dance floor?”

This is why UK dance group Cahill are FANTASTIC. Because Cahill answers that lingering question by taking the songs that you love, speeding them up to near Alvin and The Chipmunks proportions, and then shoving some beats STRAIGHT up their bass!

Case in point? Their most amazelicious remix of Mariah Carey‘s “Obsessed” from last year. (Who else had fun attempting to sing this one as fast as they could to keep up before getting asthma? I know I did!)

Now, we’ve got Miss Keri Baby‘s deliciously empowering new single, “Pretty Girl Rock.”

Totally fun and fabulous, right? I wonder what would happen if we put a little pep into Hilson’s pretty girl step… (LISTEN)

Conclusion: EVEN. MORE. AMAZING.

Nadine Coyle has an insatiable ego.

After rejecting a major label bid war in favor of an exclusive distribution deal at Tesco, reportedly declining an X Factor performance invite, and forgoing all contact with her (former) Girls Aloud band members for almost a year, Nadine Coyle has made it a point throughout the entire recording and promotional process of her new-found solo career that she’s going to produce and promote the music her own way—and she doesn’t need your help, thank you very much.

Read More…

STOP WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING.

Kylie Minogue, Mariah Carey, and Annie Lennox are just some of the names set to appear and perform at this year’s tree lighting at Rockefeller Center in New York City on November 30. No, I am not kidding.

From the official NBC press release:

The star-studded holiday special will feature performances by Susan Boyle, Mariah Carey, Charice, Sheryl Crow, Jackie Evancho, Josh Groban, Katherine Jenkins, Annie Lennox, Kylie Minogue, Jessica Simpson and The Radio City Rockettes with a mix of current hits and holiday classics.

I don’t know which homosexual got a hold of the roster request sheet for this year’s event, but thank you. THANK YOU.

A MILLION TIMES OVER, THANK YOU GOOD SIR.

I’m thoroughly dying right now.

As if this wasn’t already written in the stars, Kim Kardashian, known for having a giant ass and literally no other discernible talent, is now venturing into the world of music.

According to Rap-Up and TMZ, the reality show princess is currently cooking up some phat beatz with the otherwise amazing The-Dream, who has been responsible for such jamz as Mimi Carey‘s “Touch My Body,” RiRi‘s “Hard,” and Beyoncé‘s “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It).”

Now I know what you’re thinking: BLAH BLAH BLAH the music industry’s dying and these awful talentless reality trash-bags are busy sucking up studio time and spending their undeserved millions on producers to lay down tracks that no one will even hear rather than donating it to charity or something BLAH BLAH BLAH auto-tune rabble rabble can she even sing a note and what the fuck is a Kim Kardashian anyway, etc. etc. etc.

But now, consider the very compelling argument presented in Rap-Up’s article:

“Kim’s got a really good voice,” says one person who’s heard the material.

I’m already sold.

AND NOW, MORE COMPELLING EVIDENCE…COURTESY OF ME:

AMAZING.

AMAZING.

A-MAZING.

Thank you for your time.