SHOCKING NEWS.

In what will surely rock the world of exactly one housewife in Minnesota and literally nobody else, Nicole Scherzinger was unexpectedly ousted from her position as judge on US X Factor this evening.

From E! Online:

“She wants to focus on her music career,” a source said. “She’s spoken to Simon [Cowell] and he’s given her his blessing.” Scherzinger is currently rehearsing for her upcoming European tour that kicks off next month.

Apart from ruining that one little girl’s entire life in front of national television, Miss Scherzy Baby did herself no favors during the first season of US X Factor–crying at least three times per show, offering unintelligible criticism, and displaying great acts of modesty at all times, resulting in the unofficial title of “Least Adored Reality TV Judge Ever.”

Scherzy is now going away to some place to “work on her music,”–so I’ve come up with 5 better options for filling her seat as a judge. Well, and also as host! Because Steve Jones is gone too. EDIT: Oh, and apparently Paula Abdul now too.

I’ve put a lot of thought into this list, so please…let me know what you think!

1.) CHERYL COLE

2.) CHERYL COLE

3.) CHERYL COLE

4.) CHERYL COLE

5.) CHERYL COLE

I like my Kelly Clarkson the way French people like their steak: raw, bloody, and vulnerable.

Let’s face it: she releases her best material when Clive Davis isn’t acting like Mary fucking Poppins and trying to force spoonfuls of sugar down her throat. He is to her what Sam Lutfi was to Britney Spears or what Kalteen bars were to Regina George: the catalyst for an all around disconnect from personal reality (with a side of dramatic weight gain).

Kelly’s greatest work will unarguably forever be her third studio album, My December (I say unarguably because if you even try to argue this with me, just know that you’ll go down faster than Bionic’s album sales). That record featured truly heart-wrenching, beautiful and honest tracks like “Maybe” and “Sober,” dark and hurt songs like “Haunted” and “Irvine,” and the vindictively delicious slash-your-ex’s-tires-anthem “Never Again.”

The entire album was (while not commercially viable) completely flawless. Why? Because Kelly had full artistic control. It was her baby. The aural transcript of her attempting to cope with and move past the tremendous suffering her heart had been through.

Then, like a venomous spider, RCA Music Group CEO Clive Davis came crawling around to suck the life out of Kelly’s artistic integrity. Since My December did not perform nearly as well as Kelly’s previous album (2004’s Breakaway), he had her relinquish her reigns of control and tried to revamp her image to be more of a sugarcoated and generic bubblegum pop star.

The result? The spitefully titled All I Ever Wanted, featuring such inauthentic tracks as the Katy Perry-written “I Do Not Hook Up” and Beyonce’s horcrux, “Already Gone”. Even the album artwork was a slap in the face to Kelly. Gone was the lady in the red dress perched on a Tim Burton-esque staircase and in her place was the sad-eyed product of a brutal industry, posing in a leather jacket amidst a recycled backdrop from Britney’s Blackout album.

But then something miraculous happened. Tracks and demos from Kelly’s upcoming fifth album (set to be released this fall) started leaking online. Songs like “Let Me Down” and “I Forgive You” had Kelly returning to the dirty grunge of My December while songs like “What Doesn’t Kill You” blended that sound with the commercial dance-pop elements of her more mainstream hits like “My Life Would Suck Without You.” Could it be that Kelly’s new record will finally be a happy merging of her white and black swans?

It seems like all the signs are pointing to yes. The strongest example of this comes in the form of the leaks’ strongest track, “Dark Side.” The song opens with a soft jewelry box introduction, followed by the entrance of Kelly’s subdued vocals. This seemingly mid-tempo number, however, takes a sharp turn as it reaches its fast-paced, rocking, power-pop chorus.

“Everybody’s got a dark side / Do you love me? / Can you love mine? / Nobody’s a picture perfect/ But we’re worth it/ You know that we’re worth it / Will you love me / Even with my dark side?” Kelly belts over slick guitar riffs, pounding percussion and the slightest pulse of dance beats.

Lyrically, “Dark Side” is reminiscent of previous gems in Kelly’s repertoire such as “Can I Have A Kiss,” “Empty As I Am” and “Don’t” – all of which are self-aware songs about her looking for someone to love her despite her flaws. Musically, the track is composed of the soaring and triumphant pop/rock that made songs like “Since U Been Gone” and “Behind These Hazel Eyes” such standout smashes.

With “Dark Side,” it seems like divided Kelly-aholics can finally meet halfway. On one side, you can cry, rip up old pictures of an ex and scream-sing until your face is an unnatural shade of red. While on the other side, you can throw your hands up in the air and make like Paula Abdul by dancing like there’s no tomorrow. For the first time, it’s a win/win for both sides of the Clarkstan spectrum.

If the songs that have surfaced online are truly an indication of the direction Kelly Clarkson’s next album is going in, I am nothing but confident that it will be the best release of the year (yeah, I went there). While I understand that My December will never happen again, I believe that “Dark Side” is the closest we’ll ever get to it – and that makes it easily the most refreshing and exciting song I’ve heard in months.

SO MUCH FUCKERY ABOUND.

Yesterday, TMZ broke the news that Cheryl Cole has reportedly been ousted from her seat as a judge on the upcoming series debut of US X Factor. Her spot will soon be filled by the show’s current co-host, Nicole Schizzlesnapper. Um…EXCUU ME?

Now, as gossip sites bicker about whether it was Chezza’s delightfully unintelligible Geordie accent that sent her packing or a lukewarm chemistry with fellow judge Paula Abdul (which is an especially hard one to swallow, given that Dannii Minogue and Chezza were never exactly a dynamic duo on the UK series), only one thing remains certain:

There is literally no reason to watch US X Factor now. Or perhaps even live.

INSERT DAMNING CHOIR CHANTS HERE.

Check out the first promo commercial for the ridiculously hyped, massively anticipated premiere of US X Factor.

It includes Simon! And Paula! And L.A. Reid! And Scherzy Baby! A brief flash of The Almighty Lloyd! Anyone can audition! $5 million prize! It’s all over the news! Greatest singing competition ever!

But most importantly of all:

CHEZZA!!!

GLAMOROUS GODDESS OF PERFECTION AND SPLENDOR.

Plus, they even show little snippets of her music videos! EEEE!!!!!!!!

So, since so many of my Muusers (three actual requests) have been demanding that I do a weekly wrap-up of the X Factor performance night. I’ve decided to fulfill those wishes/dreams/desires. The show was boring in spots, so I’ve decided to highlight only the moments I had things to say about. Makes sense, right? Good. We’re on a roll.

Treyc Cohen. Amazing. Oh my God.

I love the jailbait that is One Direction, both for their knack for life-threatening injuries (like when one of them hurt their foot playing in the ocean during the auditions) and their ability to elicit pantie-wetting shrieks from the audience (myself included) for merely standing on the stage. They sang Kelly Clarkson‘s “My Life Would Suck Without You” which is kind of genius for them, and the results were pretty good-ish.

Then came the judging, and Cheryl just couldn’t keep it in her pants. Seriously. So much so, that she forced Simon to restrain her from pulling a Paula right in the middle of a live show. It went like this:

Cheryl: “You boys are just so cute and I–”
Simon: “Cheryl.”
Cheryl: “Everyone loves you so much, and I–”
Simon: “Cheryl.”
Cheryl: “Don’t know what it is, I just–”
Simon: “Cheryl.”
Cheryl: “–just so cute, I just want to–”
Simon: “CHERYL.”

Brilliant.

And then came the announcement that Cher Lloyd was up next, and so the seas parted and surging claps of thunder rang out across the land and all of God’s creatures nestled together to watch the Almighty Lloyd perform.

In the now usual Lloyd fashion, the young Cherylita was both simultaneously shit and amazing in the most awe-inspiring of ways with her weird-but-great performance of Jay-Z‘s “Hard Knock Life”: The chorus–AMAZING. What pipes! The rap: Spot on! But the awkward moments in between…OH, THE AWKWARD, MEDIOCRE VERSES. I just don’t understand what’s happening there, but then the pretty dancers distracted my brain and then I start remembering how amazing her audition was and then the next chorus comes and she’s really good again and my brain just sort of goes “Well, I give up. YOO AH RAHYT UP MAY STREET.”

I love you, Cheroleeza Lloyd.

And then Diva Fever happened and they ruined music for all of mankind once again.

If the British public has any sense of decency, they’ll do away forever with this tragic mess of ‘entertainment’ once and for all. But if Jedward is any indication of a camp act’s staying power on X Factor then…oh, Cheezus Christo.

Then came Rebecca Ferguson, and everything in the world was right again. The judges were on the money in their critiques (i.e. Dannii describing her as making classic feel modern, James Bond theme, etc.). Rebecca delivered a chic, smart, tight performance of Nina Simone‘s classic “Feeling Good.” Loved everything about this–the look, the sound, the drama (not too much drama!) Everything was just right.

Then came Ellie Goulding Diana Vickers Katie Waissel, who proved to have a surprisingly strong night, stripping it back a bit for a pretty amazing rendition of Etta James‘ (one of my favorite classic songstresses!) “I’d Rather Go Blind.” To be fair, all I kept thinking about was how much she looks like a cross between Martina from Dragonette and Nelly Furtado, but in the fleeting moments where I actually listened to her sing, I found it to be v, v good.

And then–OH! Belle Amie! This is HANDS DOWN my number one favorite girl group to be named after a gay porn production agency.

They sang “You Really Got Me” by The Kinks, and it was somewhere between Girls Aloud at their least amazing and The Saturdays at their most amazing…so it was sort of very good! “There aren’t many girl groups in this country that are as good as what I saw tonight,” Simon remarked while sitting next to former girl group member, Cheryl Cole. Ahem.

On a similar note, in the too real moment of the night: Cheryl Cole, on Belle Amie arguing over lead solos: “Sometimes other people just sound better on other songs, and that’s just something you have to accept.” *Awkward silence* *Nuhdeen‘s Irish Mist Burger comes flying on screen and slaps into Cheryl’s face.*

But it was Mary Byrnes, faithful Tesco worker and beloved jewel of Britain, who graced the stage and proceeded to BLOW. ME. AWAY. Seriously, performance of the night by FAR. From the very first note, she had chills running straight down my spine. Spot-on performance, classic vocals. Insanely amazing. As Cheryl Cole so eloquently stated: “I GET GOOSEBUMPS ALL OVER. I RESPECT YOU AS A WOMAN.”

Oh, and Matt Cardle. You did rull good too–amazing, actually. I mean…you did it. You hit the High C!

And…that’s everything that happened that you should care about, really. Thank you for your time.

Meet (the) Sirens, a girl group from Newcastle, England. You’ve probably never heard of them, but maybe you have.

The sirens of Sirens have actually been around ever since 2003, although their music has never really struck a chord with the general public. In fact, their greatest chart success was a single called “Baby (Off the Wall)” that peaked at #49 on the UK Charts, though the group did go ‘big in Japan.’ (For the record, so did Jennifer Love Hewitt. Make of that what you will.)

Don’t remember the song? Me either. Let’s review together, shall we?

As you can see, there was room for improvement.

Turn to 2010: The girls are back (can a girl group truly be ‘back’ if they were never here to begin with? I digress), and vastly better than ever thanks to a brand new single coming out later this year called “Stilettos.” You can now treat yourself to thirty seconds of the song below:

INCREDIBLE.

“Stilettos” was produced by Danish production team Deekay, responsible for tracks by JLS, the Sugababes, and most importantly, Paula Abdul‘s global smash, “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow.”

Yes, it’s a bit of obvious ‘modern sounding’ dance pop. And yes, the image and sound are all very heavily “inspired” by Lady Gaga and Kylie Minogue. But who’s going to turn down an electro-stomper about a pair of pumps? I mean, come on.

Note: The full track is ALL shades of amazing. There’s lots of talk about inches and stomping and clicking. All good things.

Girls, welcome back. Or…well, welcome here in the first place.

“Stilletos” will be released on October 4 via Kitchenware Records.

WOW. Well done, Jordin Sparks and Ryan Tedder (or, as Paula Abdul‘s Twitter would have you believe, “Jordan Sparks and Ryan Tetter”). You did the damn song.

“Battlefield” (which is, again, “Halo” plus “Impossible” plus…“My God Is An Awesome God”) is going to be huge all over the radio this summer, and I’m taking the opportunity to love it now while I still can.

Superb vocals, and an incredibly worthy performance from a singer I would otherwise classify as simply “okay.” Props to Tedder for wisely choosing to arrange the song so that the chorus is quickly followed by the epic bridge: “BETTAGOANGETCHURAAAMMAAA,” which will perhaps take the title of greatest bridge of ’09.

Oh yeah, and girlfriend looked fierce to death in that dress. Gorgeous! Suddenly that purity ring’s becoming more and more of a burden.

Minutes later, out came stomping lil’ Miss Katy Perry to perform her new shit single, “Waking Up In Vegas.” It’s a tuneless, gassy track that basically serves to let the bug-eyed brat strap on a psuedo-Elvis costume (Britneydiditbetter) and fail at being Viva glam for a minute or two.

But before she began croaking out her go-nowhere number, a wall of white feather plumes opened to reveal the “pop star” turned away from the camera; the words “Adam Lambert” stiched in bright red on her white outstretched cape.

Now, it didn’t help that Adam eagerly shouted “I want to see Katy!” with a wildly mischevious grin on his face pre-performance, but I don’t fault him for what happened. Simply put, Katy Perry is trash; not only is she a mediocre warbler that owes her fame in its entirety to her super BFFL Perez Hilton, but she’s classless too! Sure, I’m pulling for Adam too, but how would everyone be reacting if it’d been Danny Gokey’s name bedazzled across her ass cheeks? Not as pleased, I’m sure.

If she wanted to vet for Lambert, she should have waited post-performance to give her insight into the matter. Then again, it’s not as though the home audience would hear it–they’d still be taking their bathroom break.

And now, Paula Abdul performing Kylie Minogue‘s her upcoming single “live” on American Idol, “Here For The Music” (AND YES I KNOW AS A BRITNEY FAN I AM NOT ALLOWED TO BE CLEVER AND JUDGE HER FOR LIP-SYNCING, BUT THE OBVIOUSNESS OF THE AUTO-TUNE IN THIS PERFORMANCE IS JUST PLAIN SILLY TO ME, THANK YOU PLEASE.)

Prepare for an incredibly controversial thought below the video.

Ahem…

Well, that was loads better than Titty GAGa‘s performance.

I thought she did a fabulous job, even if the track still sounds like something Cher picked out of her wig in the back of a gay bar.

Lord knows, I was expecting a shit show. Instead, she stuck the moves and worked the stage, causing me to feel–for better or worse–briefly entertained (and perhaps slightly excited).

That being said, that track is still quite literally shit.

There, I feel at peace with myself.