Paula Abdul has a new single coming out, and literally no one cares.

I wouldn’t either, except when I heard the single title: “Here For The Music,” which sounds curiously like the Kylie Minogue reject track, “I’m Just Here For The Music.” Knowing that the Forever Your Flop Queen already attempted to release Kylie’s “Boombox” months ago, it took a little bit of investigating to realize…

YES. The L.A. Times article names Danielle Brisebois as the songwriter of “Here For The Music,” the very same writer of Kylie’s own.

Paula Abdul is releasing a song done about six years ago.

I am the Sherlock Holmes of washed up pop stars, Muusers. (Abdul, not Minogue. Though she’s teetering lately.)

EDIT: She just premiered it live on Ryan Seacrest. It’s the Kylie song–if Kylie were auto-tuned to unholy proportions and the synth machine started sputtering out nonsense riffs out of nowhere. Plus, great news…she’ll be performing it live on Idol tomorrow! God have mercy.

Click here to listen!

Well, if this isn’t just the way to start 2009 on the wrong foot.

All it took was one panicked email and a link to Paula Abdul‘s official website to get me feeling the final pangs of the holiday blues. It seems that, out of nowhere, the frequently dopey American Idol dimwit has gotten her mitts upon Kylie Minogue‘s brilliant-yet-unreleased X session track, “Boombox.”

The track is one of the finest moments of the X era, despite the fact that is has yet to leak in its unmixed form. No, really…Ask anyone. Hearing it’s HQ preview on Paula’s website has confirmed this now to be an Absolute Truth.

Kylie camp, leak the original track NOW and prove to the world that our disco diva’s version is vastly superior, or else forever hold your peace. Remember: Hell hath no fury like a scorned fleet of fourteen-year-olds claiming that the original artist “ripped off” a newer cover version. For reference, see the all-too-hilarious-yet-entirely-infuriating comments section of the video for Sugababes‘ “About You Now.”

DL: Paula Abdul – Boombox (Preview) (Mediafire)

Thanks to HardyCandyMusic for ripping the clip!

A heap load of apologies is owed to the millions of my dearest, darling readers for the severe lack of updates lately. You see, I was due to arrive back home last night around 9 P.M., but my train’s engine decided to go a bit menstrual, unfortunately causing what the conductor referred to as “a slight delay,” which was then followed by a “slight” power outage. Three hours later, I seriously began to question the definition of “slight.” I also wondered who’s hand was on my ass.

Luckily, I made a wonderful friend named Rue during Hour 2, with whom I mainly discussed the efficiency of train transportation, the inferiority of Project Runway Season 3 to Season 4, and the possible victims of sacrifice for our steadily increasing hunger. When all was said and done, we ended up rolling into town around two in the morning. Needless to say, I’m tired.

But enough about me. It’s on to the music, which is what you’re all here for. I guess I’ll start with the trainwreck of the night, because that seems to be rather fitting, don’t you think? It’s an easy one…you guessed it. A Janet Jackson video. This time it’s for my favorite track off of the new album, “Rock With U” (I’ve always found the “U” instead of “you” to be rather edgy and exciting). There’s not much to be said that couldn’t be better expressed than an arch of the eyebrow and a slow head turn to the side.

Janet’s people clearly made themselves welcome inside of the wooden-panel set on Britney and Madonna’s “Me Against The Music” video. Some vintage club kids make an appearance here too during the dance numbers, but all I kept thinking was that someone was going to lose an eye from all the fierce pop-and-locking going on.

I mean, this isn’t even a trainwreck video, honestly. Paula Janet looks nice and young here. The choreography is pretty on target too, with a very consistent usage of orgy-fied “I’m A Slave 4 U” moments. I guess I don’t actually take issue with anything about the video…I’m still utterly fascinated by her facial structure lately.

Have a looksee right here:

Paula Abdul’s music career can be quickly likened to a brief twinkle of light in the late ’80′s to early ’90′s, followed by a massive imploding supernova of failure sucking all life-matter within. The nicey-nice judge on American Idol and seducer (FINE, alleged seducer) of male contestants has recently decided to flip the tables and start receiving the judgment herself. Oh, you heard me right. She’s decided to grace us with a “comeback” of sorts. And now, it’s official. Today, a short snippet leaked on the Internets. And now, the full radio rip has been leaked, thanks to ENVVY forums. It’s sort of like “Stay Right” intermingling with Britney’s “Piece Of Me,” yet maintains the dancibility of neither song. Though I have to say, it’s far from awful. In fact, it’s fairly listenable throwaway dance-pop. Except, it kind of goes nowhere. So it kind of sucks. Anyway, listen below!

DL: Paula Abdul – Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow

Just do us all a favor and don’t perform at the Superbowl, no matter how listenable your new track may be. It’s for your safety and our happiness.

SOURCE: TMZ, EnvvyCommunity