“For the love of God, please just stop moving. You’re spinning ’round in circles like a fool,” the director begs.
“HA!” the bewigged chanteuse snorts, whipping her head back over her shoulder and striking a pose. It’s #LotusPromo bitch, she thinks to herself with a smirk.
It’s been almost six cold, cruel months since Legendtina put down her crown and resigned from her oversized red throne at The Voice in order to bestow her gift upon the world–a gift so advanced that only few true music lovers can ever fully appreciate her teachings.
She’s been quiet from some time now, dormant–save for a nasty shade attack by the New York Times–but she’s been reawakened today, all thanks to an A-ha-sampling club anthem about bowel movements by a creepy Latino with a bulge larger than his bald head who visited her lair back in October.
Today is a new day: New beginnings, new wigs and, most importantly, new #LotusPromo.
“WOOOOOO! HELLO, UH YES? DALE!” Pitbull merrily cries out as picks up the phone.
“Desnudate,” a voice whispers into the phone seductively. “Así me gusta, papi. En mi reflejo. Solamente tú.”
“Eh?” he responds.
“JUST MEET ME IN MY LAIR, FAN–err, I mean, meet me at the hotel,” the voice purrs, now slightly agitated.
“I know you want me!” he smirks. If he wasn’t busy licking his lips and hip-thrusting the air in victory, he might have caught the nefarious cackle that pierced through the phone just before hanging up.
The video for Jennifer Lopez‘s soon-to-be smash on the radio “Dance Again” features just about everything that the song promises: Dancing, love (and/or love-making–or at the very least, copious amounts of foreplay), and then dancing again.
Clearly, Jennifer forgot to ask for flaws in her rider for the video shoot, because there simply are none to be found on her body–from the curvaceous lumps to the fan-blow friendly post-sex hair. And of course, Mr. Worldwide‘s on set looking charmingly pervy in his white tuxedo on loan from Baby Gap.
In order to really drive the song’s message home, J-Lo engages in the following:
1.) Levitates into a masquerade orgy/people pile of sorts a la Kylie‘s “All The Lovers” up against the ceiling (safe sex is gravity-free sex.)
2.) Rolls around in some of Ke$ha‘s leftover glitter that she upchucked last Tuesday after one too many bottles of Jack.
3.) Unleashes an absolutely mayjah dance breakdown with her newest boy toy, dancer Casper Smart, that keeps every pop chick in the game pressed. 20-year-old pop ladies, how come Madonna and J-Lo are out-dancing y’all? Oh right: ‘CAUSE THEY’RE LEGENDS.
But really, I must say: Choosing to release this video on the weekend the Lord has risen? Tsk tsk. Surely this YouTube commenter ‘soniadinoraportillo’ says it best:
Jennifer Lopez is promoting orgies and I dislike this video, she is a very promiscuous old woman trying to keep up with the teen ages, face it your are 42!.
VIVA LA LOPEZ!
“Dance Again” was released on April 2. (iTunes)
Legendary mamacita, Nicki Minaj side-eye shade thrower, and thoroughly free of all flaw Queen J. Lo just called in to On Air with Ryan Seacrest to premiere her brand new RedOne-produced dance floor banga, “Dance Again,” which will either be the lead single from her upcoming eighth studio album or from a greatest hits collection. She don’t know yet!
(Translation: If this one’s a smash, she’s going with a new album.)
Despite her jam-packed schedule working behind the judge’s booth on American Idol, it appears as though Jenny’s got a whole lot of other things she’d like to be doing with her time as well.
Her grueling to-do list, in no particular order:
3.) Dance Again.
The blazin’ hot track also features professional bulge Pitbull, who offers insightful commentary throughout regarding the one subject closest to his heart: His global reach. “Is he really worldwide? Uh, yes!” Mr. Worldwide decides aloud. Finally, the debate is over!
Also of note: The beat from Pitbull’s verse is lifted directly from Nightcrawlers‘ 1992 House smash “Push The Feeling On,” which Pitbull already sampled (in a different section of the song) for 2009′s “Hotel Room Service.” From this, we can deduce two things: 1.) Pitbull really fucking loves “Push The Feeling On” and 2.) We’re now entering the seventh circle of Reductive Hell.
Now, look: Is “Dance Again” sonically identical to “On The Floor,” “Papi,” and every other uptempo banga on Lopez’s quite amazing seventh studio album, LOVE? Oh, yes. Does Kat Deluna reserve the right to remain thoroughly pressed about the fact that Jenny is quite literally snatching song after song from her Belgium-only album, Inside Out? Indeed!
But you know what? It’s Jennifer Lopez! She can be as reductively derivatively generic as she likes, and I’m still going to go H.A.M. for whatever she’s serving. When the DJ bumps some Jenny up in the club, I lose my mind, my clothes, and whatever tiny shred of dignity that’s been hanging by a string from my bedazzled jock strap for the duration of the night.
Therefore, I do declare “Dance Again” a smash!
VIVA LA J. LO!
“Dance Again” will be released on April 2. (iTunes)
Havana Brown is a popular Australian DJ.
When she’s not serving as the opening act for some of MuuMuse’s top pop acts during their Australian leg of their tours–including Rihanna (Good Girl Gone Bad Tour), the Pussycat Dolls (Doll Domination Tour) and the Legendary Miss Brit Brit (The Circus Tour: Starring Britney Spears)–she’s busy mixing tracks for her successful compilation series, Crave.
Earlier this year, the flawless disc jockey released her first-ever single: “We Run The Night,” an off the charts, bomb-dot-com explosion of pulsating synths and gigantic beat breakdowns co-written and produced by Aussie singer Cassie Davis and producer Snob Scrilla. The massive club stormer (and one of the best dance tracks of the year) went on to go double platinum and earn Brown a #5 spot on the ARIA Singles Chart.
Due to her single’s major success overseas, Brown revealed to fans on her Facebook last week that the song was being prepped for stateside release. YAY! So what did the label heads over at Universal Music decide to do before shipping out to precious American ears? Why, hire Gaga hit-maker RedOne to slap on some extra beats and a verse by everyone’s favorite radio perv Pitbull, of course! …OH.
The newly leaked re-rub of the track is a (largely unnecessary) mix ‘n’ match of the original, including a few extra RedOne bouncy beats and a boner-killing restructure that sticks the first beat drop at the very beginning of the song–thus ruining the song’s original build-up. And as for that grating Pitbull verse? About as necessary as a cold sore. (Funnily enough, listening to any Pitbull verse usually results in the development of a cold sore.)
Now don’t get me wrong here: “We Run The Night” is still a supreme club cut, and I’m so excited to hear it blasting out in clubs stateside! This new version crafted for the States is just sort of, err…extraneous and overly commercial. Oh well!
“We Run The Night” will be released on September 27. (iTunes Australia)