In September of 2010, the world (well, the UK) watched as a jittery Worcestershire-born girl named Cher Lloyd strolled across the stage–suited in a a fitted black jacket and shredded white jeans–to audition for the X Factor. After a brief grilling by the judges regarding her name and age (“You look more!” Louis Walsh exclaimed after learning she was only 16 years old), Lloyd announced she’d be performing (Keri Hilson‘s cover of) Soulja Boy‘s “Turn My Swag On.”

And then she opened her mouth to sing.

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INSERT DAMNING CHOIR CHANTS HERE.

Check out the first promo commercial for the ridiculously hyped, massively anticipated premiere of US X Factor.

It includes Simon! And Paula! And L.A. Reid! And Scherzy Baby! A brief flash of The Almighty Lloyd! Anyone can audition! $5 million prize! It’s all over the news! Greatest singing competition ever!

But most importantly of all:

CHEZZA!!!

GLAMOROUS GODDESS OF PERFECTION AND SPLENDOR.

Plus, they even show little snippets of her music videos! EEEE!!!!!!!!

We’re almost there! It’s the semi-finals of X Factor. Five acts remain–four will go on to the grand finale!

And now, we’re down to all four of MuuMuse’s favorites from the very beginning: Cher Lloyd, Rebecca Ferguson, Matt Cardle, and Mary Byrnes. Oh, and One Direction’s still going strong. THANKS A LOT, TEENS.

Tonight’s show has two themes: CLUB CLASSICS (perfect for MuuMuse!) and GET ME TO THE FINALS (desperation!).

And awayyyyy we go!

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It was “Rock Week” on X Factor tonight. FUCK YEAHHHH! Oh man—what’s going to happen?! Will Dannii rock a mohawk?! Will Cheryl Cole light her nipples on fire?! Will Katie Weasel not be impossibly grating?

No, none of that happened.

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So, since so many of my Muusers (three actual requests) have been demanding that I do a weekly wrap-up of the X Factor performance night. I’ve decided to fulfill those wishes/dreams/desires. The show was boring in spots, so I’ve decided to highlight only the moments I had things to say about. Makes sense, right? Good. We’re on a roll.

Treyc Cohen. Amazing. Oh my God.

I love the jailbait that is One Direction, both for their knack for life-threatening injuries (like when one of them hurt their foot playing in the ocean during the auditions) and their ability to elicit pantie-wetting shrieks from the audience (myself included) for merely standing on the stage. They sang Kelly Clarkson‘s “My Life Would Suck Without You” which is kind of genius for them, and the results were pretty good-ish.

Then came the judging, and Cheryl just couldn’t keep it in her pants. Seriously. So much so, that she forced Simon to restrain her from pulling a Paula right in the middle of a live show. It went like this:

Cheryl: “You boys are just so cute and I–”
Simon: “Cheryl.”
Cheryl: “Everyone loves you so much, and I–”
Simon: “Cheryl.”
Cheryl: “Don’t know what it is, I just–”
Simon: “Cheryl.”
Cheryl: “–just so cute, I just want to–”
Simon: “CHERYL.”

Brilliant.

And then came the announcement that Cher Lloyd was up next, and so the seas parted and surging claps of thunder rang out across the land and all of God’s creatures nestled together to watch the Almighty Lloyd perform.

In the now usual Lloyd fashion, the young Cherylita was both simultaneously shit and amazing in the most awe-inspiring of ways with her weird-but-great performance of Jay-Z‘s “Hard Knock Life”: The chorus–AMAZING. What pipes! The rap: Spot on! But the awkward moments in between…OH, THE AWKWARD, MEDIOCRE VERSES. I just don’t understand what’s happening there, but then the pretty dancers distracted my brain and then I start remembering how amazing her audition was and then the next chorus comes and she’s really good again and my brain just sort of goes “Well, I give up. YOO AH RAHYT UP MAY STREET.”

I love you, Cheroleeza Lloyd.

And then Diva Fever happened and they ruined music for all of mankind once again.

If the British public has any sense of decency, they’ll do away forever with this tragic mess of ‘entertainment’ once and for all. But if Jedward is any indication of a camp act’s staying power on X Factor then…oh, Cheezus Christo.

Then came Rebecca Ferguson, and everything in the world was right again. The judges were on the money in their critiques (i.e. Dannii describing her as making classic feel modern, James Bond theme, etc.). Rebecca delivered a chic, smart, tight performance of Nina Simone‘s classic “Feeling Good.” Loved everything about this–the look, the sound, the drama (not too much drama!) Everything was just right.

Then came Ellie Goulding Diana Vickers Katie Waissel, who proved to have a surprisingly strong night, stripping it back a bit for a pretty amazing rendition of Etta James‘ (one of my favorite classic songstresses!) “I’d Rather Go Blind.” To be fair, all I kept thinking about was how much she looks like a cross between Martina from Dragonette and Nelly Furtado, but in the fleeting moments where I actually listened to her sing, I found it to be v, v good.

And then–OH! Belle Amie! This is HANDS DOWN my number one favorite girl group to be named after a gay porn production agency.

They sang “You Really Got Me” by The Kinks, and it was somewhere between Girls Aloud at their least amazing and The Saturdays at their most amazing…so it was sort of very good! “There aren’t many girl groups in this country that are as good as what I saw tonight,” Simon remarked while sitting next to former girl group member, Cheryl Cole. Ahem.

On a similar note, in the too real moment of the night: Cheryl Cole, on Belle Amie arguing over lead solos: “Sometimes other people just sound better on other songs, and that’s just something you have to accept.” *Awkward silence* *Nuhdeen‘s Irish Mist Burger comes flying on screen and slaps into Cheryl’s face.*

But it was Mary Byrnes, faithful Tesco worker and beloved jewel of Britain, who graced the stage and proceeded to BLOW. ME. AWAY. Seriously, performance of the night by FAR. From the very first note, she had chills running straight down my spine. Spot-on performance, classic vocals. Insanely amazing. As Cheryl Cole so eloquently stated: “I GET GOOSEBUMPS ALL OVER. I RESPECT YOU AS A WOMAN.”

Oh, and Matt Cardle. You did rull good too–amazing, actually. I mean…you did it. You hit the High C!

And…that’s everything that happened that you should care about, really. Thank you for your time.

Title says it all really.

In a tweet today from a FOX affiliate station (KTXL FOX40 News), Simon Cowell and Cheryl Cole are confirmed as “two of three” judges on the panel for the US version of X Factor, coming stateside September 2011.

I swear to God, if Dannii crosses over as well, I’m going to be booking a flight to L.A. every weekend just to sit in the audience and gaze longingly at the impossibly perfect backs of these goddesses’ heads.

AMAZING.

In December of 2008, 19-year-old singer Diana Vickers was prematurely eliminated from the fifth season of the UK’s X Factor.

Within months after her departure however, the young singer was already creating a healthy amount of buzz around her debut–enough to nearly overshadow that of her former competitor’s efforts, Alexandra Burke and JLS.

The buzz was due to an ever-expanding rumor list of drool-worthy collaborators and musical legends, including Guy Sigsworth, Starsmith, Chris Braide, and Cathy Dennis. As the news trickled down, the promise of these recording sessions grew greater, as fans waited to hear what the quirky singer was quietly cooking up in the studio.

Then came the release of the singer’s debut single, “Once,” an instantly catchy, thrilling rush of explosive choruses and big bass beats. The single proved that Vickers’ odd, hushed delivery and near-broken vocals lent themselves perfectly to pop, causing the song to rocket to the #1 spot on the UK Singles Chart in late April of 2010. Her debut album soon followed on May 3, which also hit the #1 spot on the UK Album Chart the following week.

Songs from the Tainted Cherry Tree is incredibly solid electro-pop package, colored by an unconventionally raspy voice and a youthful spirit. Neither dance music nor torch song balladry, Vickers’ album is a refreshing blend of bright electronic hooks and classic crooning, refusing to be characterized in either direction.

With glittering, multi-layered electronica-inspired songs like “You’ll Never Get To Heaven,” “My Hip,” and “Remake Me & You,” Vickers follows in line with such artists as Ellie Goulding and Imogen Heap) in forging the somewhat newly founded genre of indie electro pop. The songs, which feature extensive production and wild, whizzing noises, mesh together to create a whimsical soundscape complimented by cheerful crooning and dizzying melodies.

“The Boy Who Murdered Love,” set to be the next single released from the album, is among one of the most immediate standouts on the record. In the song, Vickers recounts a love gone sour with the most biting of lyricism and pained delivery: “You’re the boy who murdered love,” she begins, “cold hands and a heart of stone. You’re a Midas in reverse, you’re the king of pain and hurt.” Everything about the song burns with broken-hearted anguish, resulting in one of the most delicious of the electro-pop confections on the record.

“My Hip,” which features Vickers herself taking a turn on the trumpet, is another highlight. Taking a break from the lush, ethereal electronic sounds for a brief foray through frantic, skipping beats and trumpet flares, the singer charms her way through a gleeful crush. It’s both adorable and addictive.

Vickers’ only cover on the album is also a delightful surprise for music fans, The Sugarcubes‘ song, “Hit.” Vickers’ version blends in effortlessly with the rest of the record, replacing the groovier original beats with bright, poppy synthesizers and swirling electronic beats. As it (unsurprisingly) turns out, the singer’s voice takes well to Björk‘s throaty yelps, making it sound more like an original selection than a mere karaoke attempt.

The ballads, however, are a bit more temperamental than the uptempo offerings. “Four Leaf Clover,” for instance, is an overly soggy misstep that, aside from the song’s lonesome verses, never fully redeems itself from a rather cliched chorus. The same applies to “Me & You.”

It is only with “N.U.M.B.” and “Notice,” two incredibly sophisticated slices of adult pop, that Vickers truly raises the bar for the rest of the album and firmly establishes herself as more than just a pretty voice. The proof comes three and a half minutes into “N.U.M.B.”, as Vickers tackles the final repetition of the chorus expert delivery, emitting a soaring, heartbreaking final note that comes crashing down. Chills.

Vickers’ debut is far more exciting and listenable than most of what’s come out of the X Factor/Simon Cowell hit machine as of late. Songs from the Tainted Cherry Tree is a highly listenable, engaging album of lush electronica that proves why Vickers is much, much more than simply a finalist on some reality show.

It’s hard to believe that Britain’s massively successful, ruthlessly campy talent show X Factor could ever get gayer than it already is.

Tonight however, the rainbow-coloured piñata that is the X Factor has truly been burst wide open, as gay idols Janet Jackson and Mademoiselle Gaga took to the stage and/or personal bathtubs to perform their latest hit* singles, leaving traces of glitter in every nook and cranny of the studio, including Simon Cowell‘s quiff.

*Only one of the two is an actual hit.

Decked out in a suit and sneakers combo, Janet wiped the floor for a questionably live, unquestionably fantastic performance of 2001 hit “All For You” and current single, “Make Me.” Cue the “She’s over 40, and still dancing like she’s 20!” comments. Cue the “Madonna did it better!” responses. Cue in-fighting and caps lock-riddled flurries of falsified record sales numbers and chart positions for the next three days, etc. etc. etc.

Anyway, it was perfect. My only complaint about the performance: Too much panning out! She looked fierce as all hell when we were treated to a close-up, so why were the cameras busy swinging around the studio?

Meanwhile, Gaga and her Bath of Haus (Or is it Haus of Bath?) charmed the audience with a rousing rendition of her current masterpiece, “Bad Romance.”

Having already hooked the gays, the hipsters, and the frog enthusiasts (although PETA remains dubious), Gaga is now clearly making headway into capitalizing upon a new gaggle of fans: Manga lovers. Oh, what? Did you honestly think those geometric sleeves and metal goblin ears slip by us, Gaga? Someone’s got to put a stop to your shameless pandering.

After the show, Jackson and Gaga were briefly spotted dancing in their dressing rooms together before sitting down to trade teacups and share a large, heaping bowl of Spotted Dick.