This is literally the most hilarious promo picture of 2010. Just saying.

Take cover or invest in a trendy parasol, because those Chezza tears just keep raining down!

Here we have “The Flood,” the second single off of Cheryl Cole‘s impending train wreck of a sophomore album, Messy Little Raindrops.

Starting out with a wandering guitar strum not unlike Green Day‘s “Time Of Your Life,” the soggy mega-ballad quickly morphs into a signature Ryan Tedder-esque (Is this Tedder? Have we confirmed it yet? If not, I call blatant rip-off) slow-skipper in which Cole thinly croons a dozen metaphors involving water, tears, and “bringing on the floods.”

You know, I don’t actually mind this one. In fact I can confirm that the song has been stuck in my head after only one play! That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good song (nor bad), but merely that it has a sticky consistency. Plus, she sounds pretty decent in that shouty chorus.

I just wish I could make that sad girl smile again.

Messy Little Raindrops will be released on November 1. “Promise This” will be released on October 24. (iTunes UK)

In case you haven’t heard, the second single from Rihanna‘s upcoming album, LOUD, has surfaced…AND IT’S FANTASTIC.

Featuring an extended opening assist by former Degrassi star Aubrey Drake Graham, “What’s My Name” is a darker, island-inspired mid-tempo that plays like the perfect missing link between Rated R‘s “Rude Boy” and “Te Amo.”

Aside from the song’s delicious dark-synths-meets-island-groove beat, the lyrics are pure sass, thanks to the ever-unstoppable Ester Dean (“Rude Boy”; “Peacock”) behind the pen: “Hey boy, I really wanna see if you can go downtown with a girl like me,” the Barbadian beauty taunts during the track’s catchy chorus.

While perhaps not as immediate of a banga as “Only Girl (In The World)” or “Rude Boy,” “What’s My Name” is as thoroughly satisfying and repeat-worthy (and then some!) as the rest of the music Madame Ri has produced over the past few years.

Oh RiRi–you simply cannot do any wrong in my eyes!

LOUD will be released on November 16. Rihanna’s latest single, “Only Girl (In The World)” was released on September 13. (iTunes)

Nicole Prescovia Elikolani Valiente Scherzinger (can we take a moment for the name?) has a new song coming out called “Poison.”

You can call it a ‘comeback’ if you want, but…let’s face it: She hasn’t scratched the charts enough as a solo artist to consider this anything other than a FORMAL DEBUT.

“Poison” is:

+ Produced by RedOne, in a very obvious, repetitive banger-of-a-chorus sort of way.
+ Very noisy in the verses, in a mainstream M.I.A. /\/\/\Y/\ sort of way.
+ About deadly contagions, in a vastly-inferior-to-Britney‘s “Toxic” sort of way.
+ Somehow catchy, or at least this part is: “I got that poison (uh huh), I got that poison (uh huh), I got that poison, that poison on my mind!”
+ Not nearly as amazing as “Whatever U Like,” which remains Nicole Scherzinger’s greatest song of all time.

In conclusion: It’ll do, but it won’t do anything for her either. (Well, maybe in the UK…)

“Poison” will be released on November 29.

We as a society owe so much to Auto-Tune.

The audio processing equipment responsible for jump-starting the careers of such acts as the already irrelevant T-Pain and smelly pop sensation Ke$ha has granted us countless musical triumphs, including Cher‘s legendary comeback (“Believe”), Paris Hilton‘s shamefully good debut record, and of course, Heidi Montag‘s legendary feat in commercial floppery, Superficial.

It has also granted us a barrage of singles from blink-and-you’ll-miss-’em reality stars, especially from the truly delectable Real Housewives series on Bravo.

Following the success of her cautionary debut, “Tardy for the Party,” professional hit-maker Kim Zolciak has returned from the recording studio with another classic: “Google Me.”

Brave. Different. Iconic. All of these words fail to accurately describe the potential impact of Zolciak’s soon-to-be smash single.

“Click them keys and Google me,” the be-wigged mother of two implores of us in her electro-pop laced examination of the human condition as seen through the lens of a post-modern, post-prostitution whooah society.

At times, she plays coy; at others, she attacks: “Those other girls they want to be like me / But they’re just Barbies–all body, no brains.” At once, Zolciak both asserts her own independence as a woman while casting her own scathing criticism against those who put a premium on the impossibly artificial standards of beauty exemplified in popular culture.

While “Google Me” will no doubt go down as the “Imagine” (John Lennon) of our time, perhaps the most impressive part of Zolciak’s latest classic is the fact that the chanteuse’s vocal limitations actually manage to nullify the perfecting skills of Auto-Tune.

Yes, Zolciak’s half octave range defies the very capabilities of the vocal processor that has granted so many of the Black Eyed Peas‘ Bar Mitzvah stompers to pervade the popular music charts, proving once and for all that Kim Zolciak has literally the worst voice on the entire planet. Ever.

I’m afraid you’ve lost this time, Auto-Tune. There are just some atrocities that even your warbling robot settings simply cannot correct.

Kim’s management has been snatching down links to the song like mad at the moment, but you can currently listen to “Google Me” in full at Idolator.

(BUT REALLY, THIS SONG IS AMAZING.)

The Killers‘ frontman, Brandon Flowers, is about to unleash the first single from his upcoming solo effort, Flamingo. It is called “Crossfire,” and will be released to radio today, June 21 (with the album to follow in September).

While a little too U2 and a little less Pet Shop Boys than I’d like to hear from Mr. Flowers, “Crossfire” is just moody and brooding enough to whet my appetite.

“We’re caught in the crossfire of Heaven and Hell, and we’re searching for shelter,” Flowers cries out during the anthemic, arena-ready chorus, only to be immediately followed by the best parts of the song, the repeated angelic coos of “Lay your body down, lay your body down.” Mmm…

There is also talk of devils and fire, and who doesn’t like religious imagery in their songs these days?

All in all, an intriguing start to a solo campaign. I’m ready for more, please!

To hear “Crossfire,” click here to visit Brandon Flowers’ official website.