Britney. Jennifer Lopez. Katy Perry. Jessica Simpson. It seems as though every day another pop icon announces the release of their debut fragrance.

Yet much as with the Hot 100 Billboard Chart, not every pop diva will get her due recognition in the cluttered shelves of your local perfumerie. In fact, some will downright flop to the bottom.

Inspired by a tweet this morning from Kween Legendtina Q. Agholyiera in which she announced the (impossibly amazing) name of her upcoming scent Secret Potion, I thought it’d be beneficial to do a quick round-up of the lesser known fragrances set to hit the streets later this year at gas stations and health clinics nationwide.

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HO MAY LARD.

I’mma needa sit down for this one…

Irish living legend QUEEN NUHDEEN has just unveiled the premiere single from her sudden solo career revamp: “Sweetest High.”

It’s a glittering dance song with a throbbing house beat! It can be danced to while under the influence!

Alright, let’s cut the shit: “Sweetest High” is a cheap-ass, broke-down production that plays like a 2005 MySpace dance diva’s fledgling Billboard Bubbling Under dance single.

The mix is tinny and sparse, and the beats are embarrassingly dated, cheap and generic. It is, by all definitions, a tickety tack hot tranny mess from Transylvania that is not apologizing for it. (The reference on that one, if you weren’t aware.)

While I might have heralded this song as The Second Coming if offered up by a less notable chanteuse–perhaps a Heidi Montag or a Brooke Hogan type (maybe, as most of their discography still shits all over this)–the song is being sung by Nadine Coyle, an actual, verifiable singer of legendary pop songs.

And yes, she’s sanging! A lot! And of course she’s always amazing when she sings, but…oh, I just. I can’t. I can’t!

I mean, honestly: I don’t mean to throw so much shade (way too late for that one), but when Tila Tequila can jiggle her yum yums for a more noteworthy beat (“Hideaway”) than a PLATINUM-SELLING GIRL GROUP MEMBER, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

Nadine, listen–no, put down the stilettos and LISTEN TO ME: You’ve sold a lot of fucking albums! And YOU are the lead vocals on many of the Aloud singles! You should be doing better than this, and you DAYUM WAYHL KNOW UT!

HAD AY KNOWN THUS WUD HAYPUN, AY WUD HAYV JUST PRAYFAYURED ANUTHAYR SAYNGUL FROM UNSHAYSHABULL, NUHDEEN.

CRAYUNG UH MAYLYUN TURRS RAHYT NOW.

“Sweetest High” was released worldwide on June 22. (iTunes)

MuuMuse Approved Tracks for the Week of April 11, 2010

5. Tila Tequila – I Fucked The DJ
She may drag the term “fame whore” down to frightening new low, but this song is just too much filthy fun.
4. Alex Gardner – I’m Not Mad
Further evidence of Xenomania’s pop perfection. Unstoppably good.
3. Sophie Ellis-Bextor – Bittersweet
Yes, still. It’s my ringtone now, you know.
2. Sky Ferreira – Stand Back (Stevie Nicks Cover)
While everyone’s chirping about the buzz single “17,” I simply cannot get enough of her electro-touched cover of a Nicks classic. Sort of reminds me of Kelly Osbourne’s brilliantly overlooked album, Sleeping in the Nothing.
1. Natalia Kills – Activate My Heart
My anticipation hasn’t died at all to hear what Cherrytree’s latest artist has in store for us. Robot love and stuttering vocals…what else can I say? She kills it.

Oh, boy…I’m about to get in trouble for this one.

If you’re not already following me on Twitter (WHICH YOU SHOULD BE), you’d know that I’ve banded together a crew of Lady GAGa haters, known more affectionately as Team G.A.G.A. (Gays Against Gaga Alliance). We’re kind of like the Tila Army…but a little bit more homosexual.

However, I fear that I must be honest with both myself and my troops. After all, what use would a blogger offer that doesn’t keeps it reals?

This video is, in fact…quite decent. Coupled with the fact that “Paparazzi” is one of the best songs off of The Fame (which, as I will still contend, was one of the Top 10 Albums of ’08), a fun story line (even though the paparazzi plight has been exploited enough by the OG’s of Fame Whorery), and the costumes simply marvelous (aside from the borderline offensive Gimpy Gaga mode), it’s damn near unstoppable.

Sprinkle in a plethora of dead and dangling models to boot? Now that’s something I can truly sink my teeth into.

This is not to say that I think I will ever like Gaga. I just don’t care for her persona, plain and simple. Show me an interview in which she’s even slightly appealing–I defy you. I find she behaves like an oversexed Paris Hilton the night after a bender, except overly courteous and egocentric in the most exaggerated and bloated manner.

Still, she’s pulled it out, and a small part of me is nearly willing to deem her “quite smart.”

So what to do in this slippery situation? I don’t know…keep watching, I guess.

If the spirit moves you, click below for more tunez.

You’re not going to believe this one.

The girls of t.A.T.u. are going their separate ways according to a statement on their official blog:

Last December a “staff meeting” attended by Yulia, Lena and Boris took place. Parties had unanimously decided to cease the “operation of t.A.T.u. in full-time mode”.
This decision was not spontaneous, it was long-grown.
For the sake of ethics I will not mention the reasons behind it, I’ll just say that these have nothing to do neither with creative nor with economic aspects.

The message goes on to detail a large amount of forthcoming releases and information regarding the faux-lesbians’ next endeavors. To summarize:

+ Their third video will still be released at the end of March.

+ Promotional duties for the ceaselessly delayed t.A.T.u. movie starring Mischa Barton, You And I, will continue.

+ Special editions of t.A.T.u.’s latest Russian album, Happy Smiles, will debut on Amazon.com and their official website, featuring new covers and bonus remixes.

+ The English version of the “Beliy Plaschik” video will be released.

+ Production on the international version of Happy Smiles was stopped at the end of 2008 (NO!), though the label will try to make available the English versions of songs already recorded for the scrapped release.

+ No further public performances, aside from special events including Bacardi.

+ Yulia’s intentions are not known at the moment. She has disbanded from t.A.T.u.’s management after recording the English version of “220,” entitled “Sparks.”

+ Lena is continuing to work with t.A.T.u.’s management to pursue a solo career. The project is already titled and the website reserved, and production on the solo effort is expected to begin around late April, leadininto a single release at the second half of 2009 with an album to follow.

WHY. WHY DOES GOD ALLOW ACTS LIKE CASCADA AND SOULJA BOY TO EXIST, WHILE T.A.T.U. IS ALLOWED TO SIMPLY TO FADE AWAY?!

My foundation has been utterly shaken to its core. A small part of me has died, and I’m unsure how I’m supposed to move forward following this news.

And a solo career for Lena?! I mean–come on, she isn’t even the INTERESTING one of the two!

Most of all, I blame both Katy Perry and Tila Tequila making faux bisexual the new faux lesbian.

But seriously, they made some good Pop….I’m actually a bit gutted.

DL: t.A.T.u. – Ludi Invalidi (Dangerous & Moving Russia Version)

Click above to hear more from t.A.T.u. God knows, it may be the last you ever will.

While I’m not usually one to ride the Don Diablo rave wave, one mere mention of Tila Tequila in the subject line and it was all over for me.

That’s right, it’s the Don Diablo remix of Tila’s schizophrenia-friendly first single, “I Love U”! Mixing in a militant robo-voice effect and a ‘roid raging bass stomp, the chisel-chested chanteuse has never sounded more bitchy or bisexual!

Hearing the single again made me wax poetic, which led me back to Tequila’s “hot spot.” No, not her vagina (insert hot-dog-in-a-hallway reference), but rather her MySpace.

Lo and behold, my prayers may soon be answered!

Tequila’s still cooking up that debut album I’ve been simply craving, according to her latest blog post:

Trust me though….it is NOT what you will be expecting AT ALL! I am beyond excited! Everyone is going to be so blown away because you are all going to be SHOCKED once you hear what style of music I am working on now, and yes, I really want it out by this summer and definitely going on tour.

Yes, I’m sure there’ll be a lot of blowing going on here. Any bets on the new music style? I’m guessing klezmer.

The sensual seductress goes on to mention that her upcoming music tour will be amazing, wonderful, and stunning, including the terms “mindblowingly sexy” and “classy” all in the same sentence!

Ain’t a damn bitch classier than Mizz Tikki Tequila.

DL: Tila Tequila – I Love U (Don Diablo Remix) (Sharebee)

Click above to hear more from Fun Bags McGee.

What I’ve been told is that this the new Pussycat Dolls album cover for their upcoming album, Doll Domination, but my eyes are simply telling me otherwise.

In order of appearance on the sleeve, is this or is this not: Sarah Harding, Dannii Minogue, Tila Tequila, Kimberley Walsh, and Carrie Underwood?! And look, Dannii even stole Kylie‘s body. She’s always been so impossibly jealous.

…That would make for a killer girl group, now that I think of it. Nevertheless, there is no trace of Pussycat Doll ‘flava’ happening on this sleeve! Except for the logo. Have the airbrushers no mercy anymore?

Move over, Whitney. Piss off, Beyonce. There’s a new A-list release coming our way this winter, and it’s of the faux bi-sexual persuasion. That’s right, ladies and gentleman, it’s the first full length release from Tila Tequila, everyone’s favorite milk-tittied money maker. So far, each one of her song releases have been guilt-liciously fantastic, and her latest leaked song may be one of the best yet. “Hideaway,” a thumpy, glitchy uptempo plea to flee is a brief moment of breezy, addictive pop fun. It’s a song that could have been conducted from the likes of anyone Disney, from Ashley Tisdale to Hilary Duff, so who would know that the lyrics actually feel from the filthy mouth behind “I Like To Fuck”*?

*Note: Brilliant song, but filthy nonetheless.